Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-06b

I shot this "little" monster as I stepped out of the house this morning. He was huge and gross... and I think he called me a dork as I walked away. I don't know what kind of beetle this is but shit man... I got home late last night and I think I saw these things flying around too! Unfortunately I can't find my camera right now so pics are gonna be from the iPhone for a minute.

Casting Right Now!!

For the movie I'm making about myself, that's right douche rainbow, I'm making a movie about myself. Why do I feel this is something that needs to be done? Because of what I'm about to do, you stupid sons of bitches. Here are my plans for the weekend: 1. Take my recently engineered time machine one month into the future. 2. Video tape (VHS) me destroying the earth with mad science and futuristic type shitz. 3. Right before the planet is toast, get back in the Time Raper 5000, zoom back to the present. 4. I'll show my VHS tape of what I've done and what I'm capable of doing to the world, and demand that the make a movie about me. 5. Hop back into the Time Raper 5000 and steal William Zabka a.k.a. Johnny from the set of The Karate Kid, to play me in my upcoming movie: Earth Raper Unleashed.

I dunno, I was thinking long and hard about who I could cast to play me and I think Zabka (have a look below) is the winner, lemme know if anyone has any other suggestions tho. Lates!

New Broken Lizard Movies Coming Soon!

I like these bitches (Broken Lizard) a lot, they brought us such wonderful films like; Super Troopers, Club Dread and Beerfest. There is one movie before all of these called Puddle Cruiser, I tried watching this one a while back but found it kinda hard to sit through, it's really indy and dated, but I'll give it another shot if I can find it. Despite heavy critiscm from my peers and people in general, Club Dread is my favorite to this point, it combines over the top violence with laughter, two of my all time favorite things. I recently found out they have THREE new movies we should be seeing in the near future, one called Slammin' Salmon, another called Freeloaders and finally, wait for it... Super Troopers 2, like it's been confirmed n' erythin'. Dudes have been keeping busy I guess. I'll give you an idea as to what each film is about with a very short (one sentance) synopsis below.

Slammin' Salmon:

The owner of a Miami restaurant (Michael Clark Duncan) indebted to the mob institutes a contest to see what waiter can earn the most money in one night.

Freeloaders*:

A group of slackers who are living for free in a rock star's mansion find their sweet lives threatened when the musician decides to sell his pad.

Super Troopers 2*:

More shennanigan's from the Super most funnest state Troopers ever... 2!

*There are no production shots for Freeloaders or ST2

WOW... They're Talking About Blow Jobs!

Okay, So the McDonald's thing was a joke, I just thought it was a funny picture. BUT, this is actually a "for real" print ad for a new sandwich at Burger King. McDonald's is gonna have to start showing boobs to keep up. If you can see it look at the copy on the bottom, not a whole lot of subtlety in there.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-06a

Pulled into parking space in the garage this mornin' and the Sun (please don't explode anytime soon) hit the front of my car just right, reflecting the VW logo back onto the wall.

New MCD Ad Campaign

I Wanna Time Travel Now...

So I did... in my journal... god damn it I'm such a fag... sigh... I'm gonna put my head down for a moment....

Okay, so here is where I time traveled to:
July 24th 2008
I'm sitting at a bar in an airport, it's morning time, I'm drinking a Jameson and soda, and writing in this journal like a weirdy. There is a song playing that I'm finding really entertaining, the chorus is "French Kissing in the USA", I assume this must also be the title. The Asian bar maid makes a comment about smelling burning, I suggest that it may be a brain tumor, she laughed but I don't think she thought it was funny.

That's it... Gunna go beck in time-ah!

UPDATE!!!

Thoughts on a Movie No.6 (En Español)

I realize the poster implies that this movie falls into the horror / slasher genre, but it doesn't. Time Crimes is more like a Sci-Fi Thriller, also it's totally fucking sweet. The story is about a couple who has moved into an new house and are trying to get settled in. Hector, the husband see's something curious out in the woods while Carla (wife) runs out to the store to get some dinner. He decides to go investigate and is attacked by a bandaged man with a pair of scissors. After eluding the man he wanders into a nearby home and the "Time Crimes" begin! I don't wanna give away too much of this movie because I actually like it a lot and I think if you have any interest in watching a pretty solid moving picture, you should check this one out.

I am giving this movie a 4.5 out of 5, the only thing that some may take issue with is that it's sub-titled, so you gotta read a little. The film is really not very dialogue heavy so it's not bad. Just read it you lazy fuckers.

Here are some jams to obtain this film:

• mininova
• netflix
• amazon

...I'm thinking about bringing back morning shower beverages... also food... I'm hungry.

Germophobes Beware!

Tripadvisor.com recently put out a "Top 5 Germiest World Attractions" list and here it is (#5 is the dirtiest in the list but not in the picture above...Shut up!):

1. Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, California:
   It's kitchy and touristy but I'm guessing a shit load of people go here and see if there hands are the same size as Steven Segal or Danny Glover (Who's gettin' too old for this shit!). But, you've gotta put your hands on the ground to do that, the dirty ass, gross ass Hollywood ground. Gadoosh!
   Death Toll: 704*


2. Piazza San Marco in Venice, Italy:
   It's large and beautiful yes, but it's super duper dirty too. Pigeons are to blame for that, the winged rats have totally infested St. Marks Square. I remember walking around trying to enjoy the sights and those little fuckers were just puking, shitting and boning down all over the place, completely ruined Venice for me... Actually now that I think about it, Tomas actually got shit on, no lie, that in turn, made the day glorious (Tomas is the worst, you see). Pow!
   Death Toll: 1,144*


3. Oscar Wilde's Tomb in Paris, France:
   I'm totally unfamiliar with his works, I don't really know why... Probably cause it's stupid. If you're unfamiliar, not good at or don't understand something, it's stupid, okay. I guess it's how people are attempting to show adoration... to kiss his tombstone, it's actually just super unhygienic, so don't. Also, I think he was gay... Zoom!
   Death Toll: 87*


4. Wall of Gum in Seattle, Washington:
   This is a great example of how G.D. gross people are, especially up the in the Pacific North West, I've had a particularly strong hatred for people in this region of America for a long time. It's become a tradition to put your gum on a wall while waiting in line at Seattle's Market Theatre in Post Alley. Ping!
   Death Toll: 69*


5. Blarney Stone in Blarney, Ireland:
   The tradition here is to place your lips upon the stone and you will be rewarded with eloquent speech (the "gift of gab"). I've also heard that jerks have peed and done other bad things on it, so you basically tounging the comforter at a Red Roof Inn. Kacooow!
   Death Tool: 400,000*

*number of people who die each year because of this germy place

New 2012 Trailer

This is the reason I don't give a shit about anything anymore, we'll all be dead in 3 years. Nah, that's a bunch of hog wash, but we are doomed I'd say maybe another hundred years or so and THEN we are totally fucked (2100 ABC). This movie does look neato though, Cusack it up motherfrickers.

Computer Death News 5000 - June 19 2009

Here are some stories that news people are telling right now:

Twin brothers, okay hold on right there. I've never trusted twins, they freak the shit out of me, plus they are all crazy! Every time I'm in a room with or am introduced to some twins I say to myself, "tonight's the night... I'm gonna die at the hand of one of these twins." Anyway the twins were caught on camera mugging a 14-year old boy, by a van taking photos for Googles street view. The weird thing to me wasn't this serendipitous street justice, it was the fact that the twins stole 165 euros from the 14-year old, what was this little man doing with that kinda money (play money or not)... I did just get a report in that the twins were also just raped and beat up with a pillowcase full of bars of soap by a google camera van in a Dutch prison.

A lady got in trubs (trouble) for illeagally downloading music from this place you are at right now (the internet). Personally, I feel for her, I really do, $1.92 million dollars is a lot to pay for 24 songs, but you know, mess with the bull... They ended up charging her $80,000 per song, or something like that. Uh... Hey RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America), are you fucking retarded, she doesn't have $2 million fucking dollars you fucking asshole motherfuckers. Everyone in the world (except me) is downloading shit from file sharing sites, but whatever, that's why I don't break the law. So, if you want to make an example out of someone, make it yourselves, put a gun in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger, because you died the minute the internet showed up in his leather jacket, smoking cigarettes on his motorcycle.

Lindsay Lohan twittered a topless picture of herself, but you can't really see her boobs, but who cares. CNN's... that's right "CNN's", headline was something like "Lohan's Downward Spiral". Hello CNN, yeah hi, my name is Mikey, Shut the fuck up please. For Lindsay, I don't know what you're dealing with in your life, I'm sure your fine, just stop being a lesbian or whatever, because you're hot and I would "take you to the movies" anytime please, and thak you.

Also there was a ring of smoke at an amusement park in Lynchburg, Virgina that some dumb fucks thought was a UFO... you guy's are being fags.

These are the 4 very most important news items I could get my hands on this morning, that is all.

Mr. Giggles

Benjamin Button Stiller....

What have you done? One of the funniest things I've seen in moving pictures was the gasoline fight scene in Zoolander. Recently I have taken a liking to a comedian by the name of Jimmy Pardo who has made my work day much funnier via his podcast (pardcast). A few times I had heard him reference a certain disdain for Stiller (or the writers of Zoolander) for ripping this scene off of a short Pardo and Todd Glass made quite some time before. Please excuse the jorts (jean shorts) and the 1992 Mercury Cougar, have a look and see what you think, but it's pretty clear to me. Shame on you Mr. Stiller, shame on you so hard.

Japanese Sea Devil

Why am I constantly being stalked or preyed upon by something fucking crazy like, Shadow People, Demons, Sasquatches's, Aliens, Big Brother, Demon Dogs, Zombies, Hot Chicks, Hot Dudes, Hot Chick/Dudes, The Apple Dumpling Gang, Noodled Soups, Nazis, The Impending Doom of Humanity, Cruise Ships, East Bay Catalogs, Masturbating on International Flights, PreCogs, Dancing, Energy Drinks, Latinos, Jokes, Poverty, Pills, Booze, Hookers, Blow, Capitalizing and using Shit Grammer.... Whoa, whoa... It started getting a little too real for me at the end, like, I'm in therapy and shit I gotta keep my head in the right place... So I am also afraid of the Japanese Sea Devil.

Thoughts on a Movie No.5

Hey Dorks!
(Spoiler Alert!)
This movie starts out in a high school parking lot and two “Dudes” ditch to go explore an abandoned mental hospital. After poking around they discover a naked girl who is bound and gagged in the boiler room or something. She appears to be dead until they start to see her chest moving. Main Dude’s “Fucked Up Friend” decided he’d like to stick around and have sex with her, Main Dude protests and leaves hospital. “Fucked Up Friend” returns to school the next day and tells Main Dude he must return to the hospital to see what kinda of shit is happening. As it turns out “Fucked Up Friend” tried killing her a bunch of times and it didn’t take. “Dead Girl” is basically some kind of zombie that “Fucked Up Friend” is keeping as a sex slave. I’m bout half way into it at this point and will admit that I’m mildly disturbed... Okay, now “Fucked Up Friend” is making new holes in the girl to make love with (I am so very sorry!)... this is approaching “too much for me to handle”...Side story, Main Dude has crush on “Sweet Innocent Girl” with “Jockey Boyfriend”, who beats up Main Dude.... “Jockey Dude” gets lured to “Dead Girl” by Main Dude, where “Jockey Dude” gets his penis bitten off by “Dead Girl”... Flash to a little bit later “Dead Girl” gets loose and kills everyone including “Sweet Innocent Girl” , except for Main Dude... who now keeps “Sweet Innocent Girl” as zombie sex slave.

This shit was super fucked up and I don’t suggest you watch it, the only reason I didn’t turn it off is that I cannot, once I've started watching something I have to finish it. Actually, scratch that I did turn off Be Kind Rewind.

I decided to put this movie at a 3 out of 5, only because it was a really creative and nontraditional take on the beaten to death zombie genre. But, again kinda fucked up. I'm gonna watch a RomCom tonight (Ghost of Girlfriends Past perhaps) to get my spirits up.

Computer Death Site 5000: June 2009

Hey, I wanted to put this gem up yesterday but for some reason the site wasn't working. Anyway here it is, the official Computer Death Site of June: Explosions and Boobs!

There's not a whole lot to it, but that's what I love about it, it's simple, just hit refresh in your browser until you've seen enough.

Death Proof

Introducing the world's first "Stab-Prof" knife... Wait? does it still cut?... Of course, it's just as sharp as a regular chef's knife just no point at the tip, see... so, you can't stab someone... But, I could still cut your throught or cut an artery and kill you that way... Oh, shit you're right, never mind guys, let's shut it down, this is dumb, were not making these anymore.

This is how the conversation in the board room at "New Point" SHOULD have gone, when the came up with the idea for a stab-prof knife. Whatever though do what you want... I'll just keep sitting here at my desk... sans pants.

Back from "Sabbatical"

So I had to take some time away from CDS5000, because well... that's none of your God damned business, kiss my butt!... Okay, let's just all cool out, sorry. I don't really have to much to talk about right now, I just woke up. Let's do one of those bullet point list things of what I think is worth mentioning:

• I plan on watching episodes of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here on hulu or something, but I don't know why.
• Had a dream about Zombies last night that had something to do with tainted Jelly Bellies (they were like the eggs of the zombies), ultimately the living (humans) lost. :(
• Detroit is in pretty big trouble right now economically, but I figured a huge indoor waterpark will solve all of their problems. (I was thinking we could call it like "Crocodile 8 Mile" or "I'm An Indoor Waterpark in Detroit...Get Me Out of Here".
• Recently heard about a cocktail called an "Incredible Hulk", it is: 2 parts Hypnotiq, 2 parts Hennessy, intrigued even though I'm not drinking booze liquids for the foreseeable future.
• Last night a group of us watched a man get burned alive then we shared the meat and ate him.
• "Muppet" is the equivalent of the "N-Word" to puppets.
• Found out your pee is completely sterile so no germs, bacteria or whatever in it.

YES! This is Awesome!

Things are looking pretty good for me today... even though I showed up at work at 11:45. It's okay I worked like an 18 hour day yesterday. But who cares because Peeps from Africa and the UK are practically throwing their money at me. I wonder how they got my email... They'll probably explain all that after I give them my social and my checking account number.

The Manhattan Project

I stumbled upon this and I like it... Will I do it? Probably not, because I'm not 13, I just occasionally have the mind of a 13 year-old. So yeah, scratch that, maybe I will do this at some point.

1. Buy the ingredients at your local convenient store: 2 liters of Diet Coke (warm), one pack Mentos candy (mint), and some rum (cheap).

2. Fill an ice tray with water and stick it in the icebox. Just before the liquid solidifies, drop one candy into each cube. Freeze.

3. Combine four cubes and 8 oz. of Diet Coke. Top with 2 oz. of rum. Garnish with a naive smile and serve. Wait five minutes.

4. When the ice melts enough to expose the dense candy's gum arabic to the cola, it'll erupt like a fifth-grade science project.

Sorry...

I can't look at those freaking gypsy eyes any longer, I needed to offset with something. Now that I look at this, I may be inspired to write another "Puppies Are Great" jam up in this bitch. Here u go:

Thoughts on a Movie No.4

Tonight, or yesterday night, I saw a movie and I'm not sure if my insomnia is coming back or I'm still awake because I don't want some kind of crazy ass demon to Drag Me To Hell. Either way, fuck that demon, and that bitch of a gypsy who cast it on that nice young girl in the movie. Per the usual, I was excited to see this movie, as I am for most movies that would appear to be ridiculous piles of dog shit to the general public. I was even more excited when I found out it was a Sam Raimi picture, the same dude that made Evil Dead and more importantly, Army of Darkness, which probably ranks somewhere in my top 20-25 movies of all time. The most recognizable actor in the film is Justin Long or the "Mac Dude" from all the Mac commercials. I'm gonna go off on a tangent here but I started thinking about Apple computers and came to the conclusion the Justin Long is the new Jesus... Which makes Apple computers the company and machines God/Gods... But, what does that make Steve Jobs... I guess some kind of crazy ass gypsy like from the movie. I dunno... It's too much to figure out the religious hierarchy of Apple computers. Okay, so Justin Long is Jesus, that's been established. Drag Me To Hell was fucking sweet, I suggest you peep it.

This movie stacks up at a 4 out of 5 in my mind sandwiches.

Damn, I'm off to a solid month here, June 1st and I've already got 2 posts up, things are looking pretty good, on a side note I killed a bee in my house today the size of a GD pick-up truck... I put it in a Ziploc bag and placed it in my freezer, but I'm not so sure what I'll do with it. Maybe I'll dress him up like to look like Paul Shaffer, and we'll have a nightly talk show for my stuffed animals... Maybe.

James Gunn's PG Porn

Hi, everyone loves a little porn right? Whether it be Japanese school girls throwing up in your mouth in a bathtub of white zinfandel whilst wearing a panda outfit, or just straight up one on one "relations" we all love it... we do. When I say "we" I specifically mean you. For me porno is pretty good, but I just hate all the gross naked bodies having sex, it's so, so very gross. My one wish has always been to have porn that contained all the brilliant structure and storylines without the nude... lovemaking... I guess. Well, thank you baby Jesus, my prayers have been answered because apparently James Gunn feels the same way I do. He has been working on a new show for Spike TV called PG Porn and it is exactly what I have been looking for. They're pretty funny, each short stars some real porn actresses and then one mainstream actor like Graig Robinson from The Office. Here is the link to the site with the vids, the are perfectly executed and exactly what "porn" should be. Keep it fucking clean America, keep it totally fricking clean. Love.

PG Porn