Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Thoughts on a Movie No. 24

GRAVITY (SPOILERS... Lite Spoilers)

Or, as I have decided to call it, "Contact 2: Zero Contact, Wit Cloon Doggy and Sandy Bux Y'aLLZJ!"

I knew I was getting myself into a pickle by choosing this anxiety attack neatly packaged into a sweet 3D movie. When I was a kid (12-13humanyears) I was snorkeling off Cozumel and as the day went on became more and more brazen with my distances from the shore. I found myself at a drop off point at the end of the 30 ft deep crystal clear water I had been surfacing on. The water went from clean and clear turquoise blue to murky deep blue sea. Once I realized the depth and mystery of what was beyond me, it was too much for my brain to process. I swam my ass back to shore as fast as I could. The feeling of claustrophobia, with a kind of inverted stimulus manifesting the same sense of hopelessness. Agoraphobia, I think... An idea I've explored before, and experienced. To take things up a notch I "Smidged" (Smoked) myself retardo! Here we GO!!

Old Sandy Catz (Bullock) is some fancy doctor type who has no business being in space. Mainly because it seems like she's one of these "computer doctors", and not a "space computer doctor"... Not to mention a woman... I've said it a thousand times: "Space is for MAN! It says so in the bible."

So, the movie opens on a trio of astronauts playing around on the space station like it's fucking spring break. I swear, I was waiting for Clooney to throw a Nerf football at the "Crazy Russian Cosmonaut", who is space dancing to outdated American pop music. In fact, of the three, the only one getting anything done was Ole' Miss Sandy Catz (Sandra Bullock). Ha! and you see!? You thought I was being misogynistic with my, "women have no place in space" propaganda. But, I just brought it back around on you're ass... So you're sexist.

So, Sandy Catz is working on this microchip wing thing coming out of the side of the ISS (International Space Station), when CloonDog, jet pack farts his way over to her. Sandy Catz is having a hard time with whatever it is shes trying to fix. CloonDog reassures her with his stunning voice work. They share a laugh about puke experiences from the past space week, and CloonDog moves his way directly into the "I'm going to have sex with you" zone on Sandy Catz.

HOUSTON comes over the radio (paraphrasing of course):

HOUSTON: Uh, so I guess the Russians blew up one of their satellites a minute ago... Like a missle test or something?... We're not sure... Just found out... But Uh... There is like some debris from it flying around... probably won't be a problem... carry on...

CloonDog: Uh, copy that Houston... Keep us posted... Over.

SandyCatz: Should we be worried?

CloonDog: Let our boys down there do the worryin'! (wink, charm, giggle share)

 HOUSTON: Oh Shit!!! Hey Guys, that thing... All the space debris... Yeah, It's coming right for you... Our bad... We thought it might... Abort Mission Y'all!!!!

Now, all fucking hell breaks loose, the Space Station and Shuttle are getting peppered with debris from the Russian "satellite removal project"... And, by the way... Nice job guys (writers)!! Go ahead, throw the Russians under the bus... Let's be honest... We (America) did it!

SooooOoooo, ISS, getting pelted with super fast flying metal space garbage, ripping this bitch apart, when BAM! The dancing Cosmonaut takes a deathblow from flying space trash! (rad... I whimper to myself under my breath)... THEN BANG the whole fucking ISS comes bursting apart in glorious 3D action (ak-cion), and Sandy Catz is unfortunately connected to this arm thing flying around, so it looks like she's on some crazy carnival zipper ride or something. Oh Yeah, This is all in 3D by the way, so again, pretty cool. Uuuuhm, Right, So, Sandy Catz is attached to this arm thing that she was working on the "space computer doctor" stuff on and Cloon Dog is telling her, like, "You have to unlatch your ass from that thing or you're done!" She does, he space farts his way over to her and he nabs her ass.

So, where are we now? Deep dark, disconnected space mother fuckers! NO LIFE IN SPACE! Your atmosphere is the fucking outfit you're wearing homie!!!... The dust settles and we got a CloonDog carabinered to a Sandy Catz in space.... That's where I'll leave it...

There are spoilers, but not like total plot ruining, experience ruining spoilers... I mean.. If you read this and then go to see the movie... You'd have a pretty bangin' ass time still. So, that's all. Go see the movies! I'm going to drink more of this amazing vodka... See in next post... when bottle is empty. jk jk jk.

I'm going to grant this fil(e)m:
4.21 deathmarx out of 5 (3D is a major factor)... ((Also, IMAX))

Quote of the Movie:
"I Hate Space!"
-Sandy Catz

Now, for some screen caps:

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I Should Just Start a New Blog... And a New Life... As a Woman...

Just kidding... I would never give up my penis, I'm sorry, they're just way better... to own... when used on vaginas... (no homo) Weird place to open... with penis talk... Sorry, that's not really my style. I don't think it is anyway.

But really? Why do I have this blog anymore?.... BECAUSE IT IS THE BEST... worst!... And maybe, my only chance to digitally store snippets of my meat body's life, thoughts and memories into this brewing storm of a human life experience digital cloud we are building... That one day may be able to strike a ballzworth of lightening into our immortality... like a beta version... I hope to at least make it to a beta version... Bound to live forever as an obsolete piece of technology, tossed away for the next annual version. Each year becoming more and more useless... Or vintage maybe... an upside!!

I think that... I'm talking about the idea of being able to live forever by uploading our consciousness into a computer. This tech is obviously not directly around the corner where lemonade is made... But, at the exponential rate of technological growth being as it is... You better grease up you and your loved ones assholes because... They're bout to get fucked by terminators...

Hold that though Im bot to go shred right quik...

Friday, August 16, 2013

Amazon Prime Rulez No. 1

I will show you what I've purchased. BOOM. This is it! Above. See. It comes to the door. Way fast!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

33 Minute Post!!

I was watching on Some Shark Week last week. Saw a program about a rouge shark that roams the Louisiana bayou know to the French Hillbillies as "La Requin Fantome"... The Phantom Shark!! But that's practically the same as a Ghost Shark... Which is also what I am. Simply incredible breakthroughs occurred. 

Shortly after that, I was schooled up on some sinister 100ft Nazi Megaladon! This picture is total bullshit, if you need me to say it.

I decided to head up to my friends beach house in Indiana to see if any Nazi Magaldons were in the area... No. But I did figure a way to shoot a pic through my iPhone with BiNocs!! More breakthroughs...

Outside of sharks, this is a big reason for my not posting or doing anything computer related this summer. 29er! Much faster!

This is fucking awesome.

More awesome.

Remember people used to get shot for their sneakers? Or at least it was strong urban legend for a young suburban kid walking around Chicago in his new Jordans! But, what if people shot people for their sneakers with sneakers?... A SNEAKERSPLOSION!... coming to SyFy next month.

This was one of my favorite movies as a kid. Almost forgot about it until I saw this poster. Two movies I must re-watch; Critters and The Gate, with like 10 year old Stephan Dorf. DO IT!

Magic Blue Screen yields Xanax.

Okay that's it. 33 minute post.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Thoughts on a Movie No. 23


That's right, muFuckin' Sharknado...

All jokes aside, this is a really good fucking movie, I mean REEEEAAAALY good. Like, scary good. Better than any other kind of art I've ever seen in my entire life. I think that would be it.

I guess this thing has caught pop culture's eye with all of the great art it shit all over the screen with itself. I heard people who had no business talking about sharks or tornadoes, let alone both of them together!? A newscaster said some shit about it when I was getting ready for work even. However, SyFy has been doing this shit for a while people... Why does SHARKNADO resonate with all of us? There was MEGASHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS... Then a year after that they consolidated to SHARKTOPUS. But I guess it's Sharks going crazy on people in a flood/twister/hurricane that we wanted to see the whole time. I'm as surprised and not surprised as they were in the movie when the Sharknado broke land... and cinematic history!

Where to start? Ian Zeiring or "Steve Sanders" from 90210, plays a former "world champion" surfer who owns a bar, on what appears to be the Santa Monica Pier and pals around with his best bro, some Australian dude. At first I thought these guys were lifeguards or something, but I think they just unconvincing shred waves and "bang beav" (each other). The scenes of Steve surfing are hilarious, it's shot from mid-torso up, and he's literally doing like the 1950's wobble back and forth thing like fucking Gidget! Then out of nowhere all these hyper-agro sharks show up and start ruining everyone's day, big time. Biting, Chopping and straight Gobbling down all the 90210 extras! I feel like they may have just purchased stock footage from 1998 and edited it in for the beach scenes... AND I know they used stock footage, because there was literally a shot of a flood in Japan. It's quick, but from the looks of the signage... It was nowhere near Santa Monica. WHICH IS WHERE ALL THESE SHARKS ARE NOW REMEMBER!!!

Everybody seems pretty chill the next day in Ian Zeiring's bar, considering they just saw the D-day equivalent of a shark beach storming! A drunk bar patorn (played by the dad from Home Alone) suggests that it's kind of unusual for these sharks to be so crazy. Zeiring's like, "Nah, no big whoop brah, storms just driving them in, stay outta the water for a couple of days, be fine." (No one ever listens to the drunk guy who is always right) Within just a couple of minutes the waves on the shore get crazy and CRASH, a Fucking Shark rides a wave right on through the window of the bar! Zeiring's "presumably badass" hot, bartender chick (who has a scar, clearly from a shark attack, that she never talks about) jumps over the pool table and spikes a cue right into the brain box of a Mako/Great White looking thing. I guess we presumed justifiably (sounds weird). 90210, Bar Babe, Aussie Friend and Drunk all decide to join up and head to higher ground. I should mention, there is no Sharknado happening quite yet, more like a "Sharknami" or shark flood if you can't visualize from that.

Ian Zeiring and his ragtag crew are rolling through SoCal trying to avoid sharks and floods. This is where the hilarious stock footage flood/disaster montage begins, the scenes they are trying to pass as LA are ridic... Oh and by the way, soundtrack for this movie sounds like a Pearl Jam* tribute band put it together, it's fucking terrible... The sharks are now just being complete assholes and attacking cars and people everywhere. The Drunk guy gets Kilt and they are all sad for like a second and the journey to Zeiring's bitch ex-wife's house so he can get his daughter and keep her safe from the shark floods continues! The situation gets even more devastating when we find that his ex-wife's new BF is living in the house that 4-time surfing world champion Ian Zeiring built! Oh, and his ex-wife is Tara Ried, who crushes acting as usual in this one. There are some great lines between Zeiring and new douche BF, until CRASH, a Fucking Shark rides a wave through the window of Zeiring's house and eats the fuck out of new douche BF. These sharks are so mean I'm beginning to think they are in leauge with the devil... Zeiring* may be as well. It's revealed that there is one more member of the Zeiring clan that needs saving, Zierings son, who is at flight school in Van Nuys... Classic! He was supposed to be in Tampa visiting friends.

The rest is for you to watch, I can't even get into it anymore. The Sharknado is finally birthed into a three headed monster. There are choppers, bombs, flying Great Whites and chainsaws. It's simply fucking epic. I'll leave you with some screen caps so that you get the rest of the picture... But, not too much!

I'm giving this movie... the first ever... 5.00 out of 5.00 deathmarx

Quote of the Movie:
 "They took my Grand Father, that's why I really heat sharks."
-Nova, the Bar Babe

*Pearl Jam: They played a show at Wrigley Field this past weekend. I fucking hate the Cubs, I hate PJ too. I decided this event could be called CargoCon next year. In honor of the exorbitant amount of Cargo Shorts that graced Wrigley that night (even more than usual). OR in the vein of Sharknado, maybe Cargopocalypse!

*Zeiring: I'm thinking that if Zeiring was in league with Satan, and had mind control over the sharks, it would have been a better way to do things.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

New (Old) Vans / (And a) TEST

Holy shit, this app is jankier than shit. This is an attempt once again to make blogging more convenient for me. But these mobile apps just don't seem to cut it. Oh well, more of just nothing from CDS5K for a while. Prolly sorry bro, because I'm out shredding AD/ED. Summertime in Chicago is a reason to step away from your jag box or crank station (it may seem like I'm making video game console refs, but I'm talking about my computer where I masturbate), and this is my excuse for never posting. Rest assured depression will kick back in and I'll be back behind the monitor come winter 2013-14. I'm thinking about titling this winter, "CHIWINT13/14: 'Sgonna be a Shit". 

Prepare to launch mobile test post...

¡Go fu uselves!

Thursday, June 27, 2013


Everyone who has been patient enough to wait these last couple months for just a little even peep from the CDS5K team.... I thank you.

The last season of Game of Thrones was Cray as fuck, wasn't it? I literally puked all over my wiener during the Red Wedding scene... To make matters even more slippery and bitefull, Shark week will be back (Obvi) soon... Shark Week is like the Sun and the Moon. Shark Week will always be there for you... Until it's not... Then what? Let's just hope it never stops biting things and being slippery.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Thoughts on a Movie No. 21


It looked pretty good, it looked really good... It wasn't until after the movie I realized the makers of TRON were involved in the production of this movie. It definitely came through in the visual and soundtrack, which is a good thing to me. A lot of the time, I felt like I was actually Tom Cruise or, I'm sorry, "Jack Harper"... Only, In my taller, younger, more athletic frame. It's set in the year 2077... Jack Harper and his old lady are living in this super rad Jetson's sky house pictured below!

Sixty years earlier Aliens invaded Earth, there was this crazy big battle... They blew up the Moon which fucked up all the natural order of things, geographically devastating the planet. Other spots suffer from radiation from Nuclear weapons used in the defense against the alien attack. Jack and Victoria, his wife or partner or GF or whatever she was are the last two people remaining on Earth. Jack flys down to the surface now and again to repair damaged drones that patrol the surface, eradicating the few remaining Scavs (aliens) that are roaming caves and shit.

They've got 2 weeks before their term of service is ended and they can return to "Tet", the huge space station and jumping of point to "Titan" one of Saturn's moons, which is a new colony being settled by the survivors of the war. The drones actually are pretty menacing looking, which is calculated, since obviously they go "rouge" and try to kill our little buddy in his silver moto-cross outfit!

All in all, I'm trying to not give away any major plot points of this thing. The story does take a few predictable turns during the visual effects fest that is carried out before you... I expected that though. Morgan Freeman (or as I believe it to be pronounced, "Morgand Freedmen") makes a silky-voiced appearance... Oh! and so does the guy who plays Jaime Lannister on GOT (Game of...), he's in it to win it as well. I dunno, this is the worst movie review I think I've ever put up here, but there are lots of pretty pictures, which Oblivion also has a lot of. I think if you're able to enjoy the ride and not scrutinize the details of the story too much, you'll have a good time.

I'm giving this movie a rating of 3.99 out of 5 deathmarx.

Quote of the Movie
"Oh no, Come on, Not my God-Damn Bike!"
-Jack Harper, after his motorcycle he was contractually guaranteed to ride was stolen by Scavs...

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Just GoT Home....

It's ben a kinda crazy week/ where does one begin. there were floodz.. I think I'm on dugz... here we go..

#classic #drunk

Friday, April 19, 2013

I Was Gonna Start some Dishes...

But I remembered about this blog that I have, that you see before your eyes... But I still have to get these dishes done... I'm just starting this post now to remind me to write on this thing today, and not be a fuc-kin looooooser...


Just taking a little break from the dishes... 1/2 way there... Chicago is flooding!

Oh, the North American Inland Sea! That's what I was thinking about, that and Pad Thai..

So, When I last left this post, I was balls deep in dishes. Since that time I had gotten half the dihes done and gone for a 2-hour jaunt on bike that lead to the best adventure ever of the day! There have been torrential down pours sweeping the chicagoland area, providing us with some sweet floodz to check out, and also some dead animals... One of which was almost me.

In the midst of the great bike adventure of April 18th, at the very end actually, I wrecked Haaaard. It's actually fine, because as it turned out I'm okay, didn't hit me head er nuthin! I did slide on my side for about 15 feet or so, through the parking lot of a funeral home. What you see in the distance is where I peeled myself off the bike, and where my body must have hit the ground, popping my specs off my head! You know that super slick black tar they pave driveways and parking lots with sometimes? Well dumb dick, they are even slicker when they're super wet. Basically, I came in on a corner too hot and fish-taled into a bodyslide. I'm just thankful, head was not bounced off the ground (it was probably closer than I like to think), longsleeves, jeans and moto gloves were worn! :) All good, probably feel it tomorrow... But there are a great many things left to see from this bizarre trek I took today...

Here you see, I just crossed over the bridge to a wooded area with a lil' kinda pump track I like to shred bikes sometimes and pretend I'm 14. Normally the bridge clearance is at about 3.5 to 4 ft and the width of the creek is maybe... I dunno, 15 ft. Compared to now clearance of 0.0 ft and widths of 75-80 ft, maybe more, now. Pretty crazy, some kids actually showed up with inner tubes but I think they ended up bitching out. Prolly a good idea, because there was a lot of debris, and a crazy industrial flood dam down the way, that could have killed one of them. 

Found this little buddy in the same set of woods. I kinda find myself interested in taxidermy, not the process, but the finished product is a pleasing aesthetic to me. This thing (Coon?) was only partially decayed, I flipped it over and I think the tongue was still there between the space of the, what is it mandible?... I don't know... What I do know though, it was fucking gross, and it smelled pretty gnarly too. I found a spot to hide it and hopefully let nature continue to run it's course, for week or so, leaving me with a lovely new piece of home decor (penis accessory).

That dam I mentioned earlier that could have merc'ed one of the kids, this is it. Picture doesn't really do the water fury that was happening full justice. The clearance of the bridge it ran under/into was minimal, a foot at best, normally Its 9-10 feet, we used to walk under it when we were kids.

I have no idea exactly how this happened, but somebody fucked up. This is in kind of an industrial park area. I just don't get how this happened. Next picture shows better.

It wasn't even in the lot, it settled in a retention pond thing. My only guess is it got picked up and floated in there. Sucks though!

One of the many unpassable streets I came across on my ride...

That's it I think, I'm beat, it's Midnight:15 now, started this post with dishes and look where it ended up...