Ninjas, Vikings & Pirates

That's right what could be better than Ninjas, Vikings and Pirates, honestly, nothing! Ninjas are sneaky assasins, Vikings are plundery rapists and finally, Pirates are drunky plunderers (in many ways Pirates and Vikings are pretty similar in their motives, the both love to plunder, but as you can see from the picture they look and taste very different). There are not many of these guys around anymore, mostly because of taxes, boarder control and global warming. The few that remain are probably really depressed, one minute some Ninja is scaling walls and disappearing in smoke clouds, the next he's living paycheck to paycheck busing tables at Applebee's, I've seen it a thousand times. A Viking who used to spent his days and nights doing squat thrusts and fucking shit up throughout the greater european coastine, is now calling your house to tell you that your copy of "Big Mamma's House" is way overdue. Pirates who sailed the seven seas robbing merchant vessels while getting shitfaced on rum, sadly, are now strolling the street corners giving handjobs and other types of jobs (that you haven't even heard of...it involves lifting up an eyepatch), to pay child support. So, the next time you go to Applebee's, Rent a movie or A guy you know visits a prostitute with an eyepatch and a peg leg, remember this isn't your everyday hooker, blockbuster employee or bus boy. Treat them the way you would treat a bus boy, blockbuster employee or hooker, that used to be a Ninja, Viking or Pirate, with Mad Crazy Respect! because if you don't you could find yourself at the business end of a Poison Dart, Axe or Rapier*.

*type of sword, not related to any kind of rape, including sword rape!

Nouveau Antichristos

This girl pictured is part of a group of people that are helping destroy life on this planet as we know it. Her name is Lauren Conrad, and she is famous for being young, dumb and rich. The only reason I am talking about this girl is that she is everywhere right now, anywhere I look, I seem to see her face, she must be trying to get press for a sex tape or something that is coming out. She is important for you to know because she is part of a super secret organization know as the "Nouveau Antichristos". The "NA" are a group of attractive, young "reality" television stars, who are directly controlled by Satan and will ultimately bring forth Armageddon and the end of our existence. There is really nothing you can do to stop them, they can't be killed or hurt physically, the only thing you can do is renounce them and try not to pay attention to them at all, it will be hard because their likenesses will appear everywhere and be all around you, but be strong and resilient and you will survive their wrath. You will know when she transforms because she will no longer be a hot girl but a seven-headed, ten-horned, soul-eating beast, which you will want to avoid. As for when this transformation will occur, all we have to go off of is that it is post-millennium, basically it can happen at anytime (as we are currently over 1000 years into post millennium times). Based on the omnipresence of these "NA" members in magazines, newspapers and on TV, I fear it may be soon. According to Nostradamus there have been two Antichrists, the first Napoleon Bonaparte and second Adolf Hitler. In their time these blokes were leaders of the most powerful countries in the world, so this seems to be an Antichrist prerequisite. The young people of the "NA" are not quite leaders of the U.S. of A., but with the help of the mindless masses here they may soon be. Repent bitches!

Fight Night: Monks vs. Commies

Let me try to put this in perspective for you, Osama Bin Laden is to America as the Dalai Lama is to China. Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao and His Holiness The Dalai Lama are totally pissed at each other and might be featured in an upcoming no-holds-barred UFC style face-off. Several major networks are looking to capitalize on what could be the fight of a lifetime. The whole thing started because of a recent protest on March 10th, the anniversary of a failed 1959 uprising against China. In 1950 after a long time of Tibet being independent of them, Chinese troops showed up at their front door and said "we own you now bitches", and Tibet was all "your the ones who are bitches, bitch", and this went on and on, and is still going on to this day. The main focus of the monks is "Shut up about the Olympics in Beijing and look at all the fucked up bad shit ya'lls is doin". Unfortunately, early reports say that up to about 100 people may have died in these recent protests in Lhasa, The D.L. has stated to China and Tibetans "stop committing violence". Wen Jiabao is convinced and claims that they have evidence linking the violent acts directly to the "Dalai Clique". In the end the Dalai Lama has offered two solutions, either he steps down from his position, or they have it out in a man-to-man, one-on-one, pay-per-view bash. It seems like Wen is negotiating the stipulations of the fight with his agent and is close to inking the deal. Early numbers are Looking like this:

Dalai Lama -2000

Wen Jiabao +1300

Gods of the World (No. 3)

Raijin (a.k.a. Nippon Rudeboy)

This God is from Japan, to the people of this great country he represents thunder (rai 雷), and lightning (den 電). The most common form of depiction is a scary looking red demon beating drums. Raijin has a reputation of sneaking into homes during thunderstorms and eating the bellybuttons of children, this actually happens a lot more than you think. (see Patricia Heaton). So, if you are caught in a thunderstorm and your bellybutton is exposed watch your back, because a muscley-armed demon could be right around the corner waiting to eat it. Although, it's not like your bellybutton does anything, he can have mine if he wants, I don't need it. Next time I hear thunder I'm going outside to see if I can get his attention by taking my shirt off and rubbing my belly, maybe be get a good look at him. Raijin is BFF with a guy by the name of Raiju, a cat/monkey/weasel/wolf whose body is made up of fire. When lightning strikes trees, it is actually the mark of Raiju's claws, not an atmospheric discharge of electricity like they said in earth science. If you want to avoid contact with Raijin or his friend Raiju, place duct tape over your bellybutton or sleep on your stomach.

You Guys Got Any Blow?

I have recently decided to start using cocaine on a daily basis, why? cocaine is not as bad as the system makes it seem. Research I have been conducting shows that no one has ever died from using cocaine, furthermore none of the “infamous” Columbian drug cartels have ever harmed anyone in the diplomatic process of international drug trade. There are a lot of misconceptions about cocaine that people should probably become aware of. Rumors of addiction are blatantly false, I can stop anytime I want, and it’s just that, the stuff is so awesome I don’t really want to. C17 H21 NO4, is the chemical make up of this powdery white wonder, and if you look closely at this scientific data, more undeniable facts about the harmlessness of cocaine are found. The parts more specifically are as follows; C17 = Cool, because you look cool doing it. H21 = Hot, because only hot people do cocaine. NO4 = New Opportunities, with the combination of looking cool and being hot there will be tons of exciting new opportunities for you. Don’t take my word for it, next time your out to eat, ask you waiter for some of the coke he/she is undoubtedly on. Once you get your hands on some coke and do a lot if it, you might want to experiment with some new ways of ingesting it. After acquired the deviated septum it’s not a great idea to continue with the nose, try making some crack out of your cocaine and smoking it in a glass pipe. Another fun and interesting way, is called “free basing” this involves vaporizing the coke and sucking it through a straw or something like that. Have fun everyone, and remember do as much as you want, sleep will come later.

An Inconvenient Truth...

Pope Benedict is a total hippie, I knew there was something off with this guy, PJP2 (Pope John Paul 2) was the man, and when he passed, I was very unhappy with the decision to go with this guy. Basically, I'm a little peeved because the Pope-ah, made a new list of "bioethical" and "ecological" sins, so hippies and Al Gores of the world, breath easy, you now have the power of the vatican at your disposal. Some of the new things we should fear is, (1) Poluting (no shit), only now instead of destroying the gay ass earth you also go to hell. (2) Genetic manipulation, I'm fine with this being a sin, because the last thing we need is a bunch of "Island of Dr. Moreau" type shit going on. (3) Drugs, maybe he's not a hippie after all. (4) Social and Economic injustices, I don't know what this means but I think it has something to do with facism, which in the end is actually a good thing (see "Mein Kampf"). So whatever Pope, you can come out with new new fancy rules and all that, but that doesn't make you cool, it makes you a total poser.

Gangs of Downers Grove

This morning I was drinking my iced espresso waiting for my train when I saw something scribbled on the side of the train station. What I saw was a 5 pointed crown, with an upside down pitchfork and the letters L.K. At first I thought this was a tribute to Rev. Dr. Marting Luther King Jr. because the pitchfork kind of looked like an "M", but I remebered something from my grade school D.A.R.E. class and a red flag went up. This was none other than a symbol for the infamous N.Y./Chicago based gang known as the Latin Kings. Just then I realized how "hard" Me and the neighborhood I grew up in actually are, I immediately switched my PSP from Cake to Ghostface Killa and got on the train. Downers Grove is about as hard as life can get in the burbs, half of my friends were either dead or in jail before my sophomore year in high school, but it was the only life I have ever known. Gang life was a constant temptation in the school yard of St. Joseph Catholic School, i'm talking; 4-square and kickball verbal arguments that never got physical, pixie sticks and jolt cola goin' down around the corner, serious shit. In the midst of all that choas you had the opportunity for protection and brotherhood with gang life, for people like me gang life offered all the things I never had. In the end, I lost a lot those friends to the Gangs of Downers Grove, but their spirit lives on in my 4-square/kickball/jolt cola inspired tattoo on the small of my back.

disclaimer: this article was in no way intended to offend any members of the actual Latin King gang. It is simply a reflection of my life experiences and what went on in my backyard growing up, thank you.

Gods of the World (No.2)

Jesus (aka Joey's Boy)

It's Sunday so it's time to talk about Gods again. Jesus will be the topic of GOTW No.2, there is a bit of a problem though. Is Jesus a God? I mean God is God, right?, Jesus is his son. But what about Joseph wasn't he...oh yeah, they never "did it" did they, Immaculate Conception and all that, hey, whatever you say Mary. For the sake of this article let's just say Jesus is a God, but God or not I bet he has some daddy issues. Jesus is definitely one of the cool kids in the world of Gods, Like if the world of Gods was a high school, Jesus would probably be the quarterback that got straight A's and still had time to get loaded with his bros. Let's just run through a few things here, full name: Jesus Christ or Jesus of Nazareth, nationality: Jewish, hobbies: performing illusions and getting blitzed on grape juice, sworn enemy: Roman Gov. Pontius Pilate. Jesus is about 33, and the basis of his teachings include; love thy neighbor, don't kill, don't steal, my dad will send you to a land of eternal suffering in the afterlife if you are bad, et-cetera, et-cetera. If you haven't seen it there is a pretty interesting documentary about religions, part 1 anyway. check it out if you've got some time, really interesting stuff.

zeitgeist>

鯊魚氣味喜歡猴子...If You Can Read This

Your probably a little confused, and rightly so because how in the world could someone say that a Shark smells like a Monkey, that's just crazy talk, because most Sharks don't even speak English. Which brings me to my next point, which brings me to my next point, which brings me to my next point, whoa! sorry I was skipping. As I was saying I am getting real sick and tired of all these Sharks comin' to OUR country, taking OUR jobs and speaking THEIR Language, you take everything else you sons of bitches why don't your learn the speak damn it! French-Canadian Sharks need to get out of here, all they do is walk around in their stripped shirts, sporting their berets, eating their fancy baguettes, acting everything out like they are in a fuckin' silent movie...pricks! Sorry, I'm just venting here, everyone complains but no wants to do a God damn thing about it, hell, if I see one today I'm gonna straight up, Badger Slap his ass then take a pee on him that'll teach'em. Join me in the revolt against yet another thing I hate with a passion, asshole sharks from Quebec. The Monkeys are fine though so let them be. Oh, and the best way to kill a French-Canadian Shark is probably with a hammer, any hammer will do just bludgeon them until their brain hemorrhages or something, I don't know.

Little People That Can Kill Your Shit

No, I'm not talking about midgets, or as I like to call them, "long torso's", the people I am talking about do not have un-proportionally short arms and legs. These guy's proportions are closer to what the Greeks referred to as the "golden ratio", I better reel myself back in before I get lost in my own thoughts. Anyway, tomorrow I get to train (for 5 hours) with two Thai Boxing legends, I was leaving my gym last week and saw a flyer for a training seminar at Team Toro in the burbs. Samart Payakaroon and Saekson Janjira are two relatively small people, roughly 5'7ish" 135ish lbs. but they could kill the living shit out of you faster than you can say, "I think that hooker in Bangkok was a man". These two dudes have the reputation of being possibly two of the best Thai fighters of all time, so I'm pretty excited to have this opportunity to train and if I play my cards right, kiss with them. below are links to something called youtube (??) with videos of these rediculously bad motherfrickers killin' it, little person style. Enjoy.

Samart Payakaroon Highlight>

Saekson Janjira Highlight>

Teen Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

I'm not really trying to make any profound statement with the title, it just sounds good, maybe. I'm talking about the "Teen Wolf" movies, but you probably gathered that from the posters above. There's really not a whole lot else to say about these movies, other than they are a good rewatch if you haven't seen them in a long time or ever in the case of "Teen Wolf Too". Michael J. Fox and Jason Bateman paved the way for their careers with these roles, and you can pave the way for a suceessful and happy life just by watching them. The issues of these movies are much deeper than the surface allows you to see. They deal with important issues like; tolerance, prejudices, peer pressure, and many other things America's youth has to deal with on a daily basis. To give just a taste, here are some links to the trailers of "Teen Wolf" and "Teen Wolf Too":

Teen Wolf>

Teen Wolf Too>

Bluetooth or Crazy? You Decide.

I was walking to work this morning and I walked past an old man dressed in urine stained rags. He was also mumbling something unintelligible to himself, but I figured he was probably just talking to someone on his Bluetooth. About another block down, I walked past another man, he was dressed nicer than the last (no stains), typical middle-aged business man, but he was doing the same thing, again babbling to himself. All of the sudden I was scared for my life, I didn't know if this guy was gonna try and rape me or stick me with a dirty needle or what, so about five feet in front of him right before we were about to met, I juked to my right and then sprinted to the other side of the street, no one's raping this guy today, I thought. With the added confusion of Bluetooth technology, it has become really hard to tell the difference between a schizophrenic psycho and a normal regular person. In the following two pictures I tried to illustrate the difference for you; Figure A, no problem here, I'm on a Bluetooth, Figure B, Watch out, I've got a pocket full of dirty needles with your name on them.

Gods of the World (No.1)

Ah Puch (aka Hun Ahau)
This is a Mayan God I stumbled across while looking for information about different Gods of the world. His job was to be the God of death and the king of Mintal, which I learned was the 9th sector of the Mayan underworld, the lowest and worst part of it. So, if you use your imagination it's probably a lot like Gary, Indiana (although I think Michael Jackson was from Gary so it can't be that bad). The Mayans decided to have this God look like a skeleton or corpse that was sporting some bells. Typically, he was depicted with a human or owl head, apparently mayans looked at the sound of an owl screeching as immanent death. Many Mexicans and Central Americans still feel this ways about owls. They hang out a lot and always say: "Cuando el tecolote canta, el indio muere", (when the great owl sings, the indian dies) it's actually become a pop culture catch phrase down there. Go get an ice cream cone and think about it.

Zombies and What You Can Do

Yeah, it might sound crazy and you'll laugh now, but I'll be the one laughing when I'm blowing these bitches away with my Remington 870 pump-action shotgun. The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, covers in great detail, what to do if and when you run into one or many zombies. For a long time I had an irrational fear of the undead, but after scanning the pages of this book I learned that my fear was not so irrational after all. Not only that, but I no longer live in fear because I know how to react in a zombie or any zombie related situation. Max Brooks covers everything, weapons and combat techniques, defending your home, zombie-proofing vehicles and even how to start over after a Class 4 outbreak. I obviously can't go into everything this book covers but I feel obligated to give some advice, So here are the top ten lessons: (1) Organize before they rise. (2) They feel no fear, why should you? (3) Use your head: cut off theirs. (4) Blades don't need reloading. (5) Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair. (6) Get up the stair case, then destroy it. (7) Get out of the car and on to a bike. (8) Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert. (9) No place is safe, only safer. (10) The zombies may be gone, but the threat lives on. I think these are some simple things that will help keep you safe.