Thursday, April 29, 2010

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10f

My beverage station...

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10e

I'm broadcasting (that's not the right term) my posts from the Bellagio in Las Vegas, NV U.S.A. I'll probably post a decent amount of shit over the next couple of days because there is nothing o do around here. It is really fucking windy though which is pretty bogus.

Computer Death App No.1

Or in this case Computer Survival App! It is in the polar opposite hemisphere of the CDS5K world far away from death but still very important. The only downside to this amazing app is that if you are really in a situation where you may need it, there is a good chance that you iPhone's battery is dead, wet or being digested in the stomach of a gigantic anaconda. BUT, if you familiarize yourself with some of the methods this app teaches you'll be ready to go and know how to react to whatever pickle you've gotten yourself into... and knowing is half the battle.

$6.99 available at you local App Store

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Vocabulary Piracy

What if you created a catch phrase or saying so powerful and so perfect that everyone just needed it? Imagine if you had a patent on that word (or saying) and got paid every time it was used. Even though it cost $0.99 per usage, people are still willing to use it early and often in every conversation they have. How would you collect the $0.99? That's easy asshole, iTunes... duh! So, what is it that occurs when someone uses the word without coughing up the $0.99? They get shot in the head, execution style for the crime of vocabulary piracy, immediately after the word crosses their lips. There will be field agents everywhere monitoring and enforcing the terms and conditions of the word (also provided by Apple).

In other news> I will be in Las Vegas, NV in 15 hours. BOOM! (that's the word, btw, "BOOM", don't use it unless you pay $0.99, or have a death wish.)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Keeping it Healthy During a Blackout

It's refreshing to know that even in the midst of a drunken blackout some part of my brain reminds me to keep it healthy when late night binge eating. I came to this notion upon discovering a bowl of egg yolks on the stove when I woke up Saturday morning. So, at least they were egg whites I devoured probably standing over the sink like some kind of fucking animal! What is it about my brain, that after a night of gradually poisoning myself with bourbon an beer (not together, in separate drinking vessels), I will still make the effort to remove the fatty and cholesterol packed egg yolk before I cook it? Whatever it is is it's not DVDA... that's something all together different.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Jewish Masturbation Theory

So, I just heard comedian Ari Schaffer describe this story to help detract Jewish men from masturbating. The story is basically that when masturbating you're fucking a demon and impregnating her, then when you die before you get into heaven you are confronted by all these monstrous demon children that you have created. How terrifying is that!! You mean to tell me that, by Jewish standards, I will have to confront, and I don't know, potentially battle my way through like 30,000 demon bastard children before I get into Heaven. That's actually a pretty cool story, I like it, I'm thinking "Movie Pitch Monday" content here!!

I case you were wondering, I saw/heard this on Joe Rogan's Live 4:20 podcast yesterday. Pictured below is comedian Ari Schaffer (Left, with vaporizer bag HA!), comedian/UFC commentator Joe Rogan (Center) and Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu wizard/genius Eddie Bravo (Right). The show is really funny and interesting check it out on Ustream for video or iTunes for audio feed only.

Computer Death Virus

This is the second virus I've gotten on my new(ish) Dell XPS laptop purchased (by work) in October. For the last 5 years or so, I have been a strong Mac advocate, but recently I started thinking Windows 7 was... okay. I'm really not sure exactly how I'm getting these little guys, porn/torrents/working on my associates degree in general studies from University of Pheonix Online, I guess any of these things can be giving me a virus. The first time I fixed it no problem, with a free scanner program called Malwarebytes. But this lil' guy is worse because it detects when you run a anti-malware or anti-virus scan and makes it crash. The virus itself appears as a windows security window, but right away, you can tell its not legit because it looks kinda shady! But there is a new program called rKill I'm running right now that blocks the malware from blocking your anti-malware... Hopefully this works... 30 minutes in and it's already detected 24 infected objects!! So, stay safe and wear a condom if you are computing with a PC, but if you have a Mac compute freely and condomless!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Thoughts on a Movie No. 13

I wasn't too excited about this movie at first because all the early marketing seemed to paint it as a sort of goofy, Spy Kids-esque bullshit super hero comedy. As the movie drew closer to it's release and I heard some positive reviews (comedy film nerds), and it was revealed to be a way more intense, violent, dark comedy. There was a coin toss situation yesterday afternoon between seeing this and Hot Tub Time Machine, and I'm really happy that fate chose Kick-Ass. Recognizable actors would include Nick Cage, and the kid who will forever be known as "McLovin", see I don't even know his real name! Also, you might recognize, Clark Duke, I believe his name is?... who is also in Hot Tub Time Machine. I'm was not familiar with the graphic novel that the movie is based on but, the story is pretty good. Basically a teenage dude who is an avid comic book reader, starts to wonder why no one has ever tried to actually be a super hero. After getting mugged one afternoon he decides to make a go at it and become the super hero vigalante known as "Kick-Ass". His first attempt is less than successful when he confronts his muggers from the previous day, only to viciously get the shit kicked out of him, stabbed in the gut and brutally hit by a car. He has to undergo major surgery and rehab time, but the injury has left him with metal plates and screws throughout his body and a bunch of severed nerve endings, leaving him to feel little or no pain. There are other super heroes along the way, the father/daughter duo "Big Daddy (Nick Cage), "Hit Girl" also "Red Mist" (McLovin'), all of whom "Kick-Ass" has alliances with. That's all I really wanna talk about because I dont wanna give away too much... and I don't wanna write any more.

This one shakes out a 4.67 out of 5, for me, a very high score because this movie is awesome.

Quote of the Movie: "Okay you cunts... Let's see what you can do now!"
-Hit Girl (played by 11- year old actress)

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10e

I've been Doggin' it lately with the posts, I will get some shit going here at the tail end of April. Jesus! two dog puns in the first sentence... amazing! This is a picture of Oscar I took while I was cutting the grass.. while smoking grass... ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free. I used a cool "Tilt-Shift" filter app on my informationPhone.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Masthead - 04/08/10

Hey, here is a lil' bullshit UFO masthead I just whipped up. The lazers kinda look like the ones from "LazerTits". The photo is legit by the way, thats a real UFO!

Movie Pitch Monday (on a Thursday)

I'd like to start by saying, I'm not one of these Star Wars nut jobs. I enjoyed these movies when I was a child and never really sat down to watch the newer trilogy. These movies are not for grown-ups, that's why you waited in line for three weeks, and after seeing Phantom Menace you were disappointed. BECAUSE you're 40 now, AND you work at Kinko's, AND you're stupid, even though you think you're smart (take that). I think that's a nice little segue way to the pitch...

"Man of the Hoth"
In this Crazy, Sexy, Cool, Single Camera ("Office-style"), Rom-Com-Dram, you'll find yourself laughing, crying and sailing all the way to the bone zone (sexually aroused). A century after the epic battle we witnessed in Empire Strikes Back, the Planet Hoth is a pretty quiet place. There are small bands of nomadic tribes spread across the frozen terrain. After being captured then brutally raped and abused by a Yeti in a cave for like three weeks, Luke (our hero) has found solace and safety in Roman Catholicism. So, after slaying the Yeti, he went online with his light sabre (yes, those things have WiFi) and became a registered intergalactic space priest. Luke travels though the tundra attempting to enlighten the bands of weary travelers... but to no avail. There is one memory that has haunted Luke for years, the one where he sliced open the belly of that ton-ton and used it as a sleeping bag... that memory. As a form a personal redemption and a gift of giving back to the ton-ton community of Hoth, Luke begins to teach the word of God specifically to these creatures. Luke becomes very close (think gorillas in the mist) with the Ton-Tons, he lives in the heard and is treated as one of their own. He believes he is the only person in the universe who can communicate and teach the good word to the ton-tons. After further examination however, it seems this is all part of a delusion because he's been slowly losing his mind after contracting Yeti Syphilis from all the Yeti raping that he endured earlier. (Here's where I drive the pitch home!) This is a beautiful coming of age tale that has it all and will make your studio hundreds of millions of dollars, maybe even Billions if we do it in 3-D... Sooooo, come on, let's do this. I already made the poster art at the beginning of this post!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I... Love... This...

Sorry if you're trying to view this on your iPhone or something, I'm not sure if Vimeo vids work on it. But watch this on one of your old fashioned computers!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10d

The expression on this lamb cake... it's as though he is fully aware of his fate, but he's trying to appear happy-go-lucky.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10c

Easter Dinner: Kugelis (Lithuanian "flat potato dish"), asparagus with hollandaise, green bean casserole and some delicious ham.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10c

As I stumbled into the bathroom Sunday morning I was shocked at what I found.... Based on the can of PBR that was left in there the night before, it would seem as though there was hipster scum in my bathroom at some point!

In all seriousness PBR has great full bodied flavor and for the price you can't go wrong. It's just unfortunate that so many bearded Jason Swartzman types have embraced it as a default beverage.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10b

This terrifying shack is actually my garage, it was raining on Sat. morning and it just added significantly to the creepy factor.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10a

There is this huge Chinese restaurant on Ogden Ave. that has been closed down for a while. I coulda swore that it was re-opened, but I tried to go there with my sister yesterday and unfortunately... still closed, the building is awesome and I can only imagine how cool it was on the inside when it was open.