Friday, December 23, 2011

Dia in the Vida No. 3 - Death

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Professionally and Personally...

"Distracted" you might say?... BUT if you, Monster, didn't think I had time to notice that you've been busy making other flavors of your "Rehab" product line, you're sadly mistaken...

Rojo Tea you say? fine... and well done, an abreviated 4.21 Death Marx out of 5

And "Green Tea" you now offer, 3.83 out of 5 Death Marx.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Hipster Cop!?

I was driving home tonight and found myself slightly too high... I had a thought, and I really don't know where it came from, but the words and image of "hipster cop" popped into my brain head. I thought about it for a minute and tried to imagine that this must be a real thing. So, I typed into google the search for "Hipster Cop" and there were (as I suspected) some legit hits. And... As it turns out is a real person or thing. see pic below...

His name is name is Rick Lee and he recently appeared scoffing aroung the "Occupy Wall Street... (Revolt?, Haha!)" protests. Rick is a 45-Year old community affairs detective and all he needs to do to prove it is sarcastically lift his anchor embroidered cardigan to reveal his badge and crocodile skin belt... Anyway, This guy is one of 2 things, a homosexual who has miraculously infiltrated the esteemed NYPD, or a Marketing plant from the NYPD to act as a buffer between the NYPD and the protestors. Here are some ridiculous pull quotes from his recent GQ interview:

GQ: What are your duties down at Occupy Wall Street?

Rick Lee:
Just to give you some background: I do Community Affairs down at the First Precinct. There's basically one of me—not as smashingly dressed, in every precinct. It's my job in general to be the liaison between the precinct and the community we serve. We serve, oddly enough, SoHo—big fashion area, TriBeCa, and Battery Park City. Basically from Houston St. down to the Battery. My specific job being down here watching the guys who bang on the drums is to keep the peace. Between not only the police and the protesters, but also the protesters and the community.

GQ: Do you think the way you're dressed helps with that?

Rick Lee:
Yes. Absolutely. I've been doing my job for 12 years and I learned early on that the way I'm dress, or the way anyone dresses affects things. You have to know your audience. The people that I serve in this community are a lot like me. I don't necessarily fit the stereotype of the word "cop." So when they see that I dress kinda cool, wear thin ties, look trendy, it breaks a lot of walls down initially to get the bridge building started. It actually works. People go, "Wow! You wear Burberry. You wear Ralph Lauren. That's cool."

(HA! I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!)

Ultimately, you can make your own assumptions about what "Rick Lee" (Nice Fake Ass Name BTW) actually is but I doubt it is anything good.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Kyle Bean's "Soft Guerrila" Series

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Angry Letters No. 3

Of all the miserable, faceless, soulless, just all around fucking horrible corporations on planet earth that deserve so much worse than an angry letter... It is you AT&T, who gets one today. The motivation to contact you came upon me not long after recieving a txt message from "753-5" (i'm thinking that something like "HAL" from 2001: Space Od.) saying... "Your data usage is among the top 5% of users. Data speeds for this bill cycle may be reduced...."

I responded with this, to which I have not received any response:
"Really? Well fuck me then I guess! My internet browser is basically useless. Insanely slow page loads... You think I have time to sit around my house and not masturbate? Well I don't, I no longer have the imagination of a 13 year old. I need to see such a specific thing at this point in my life... there is really no place other than the internet to get what I need to feed my dogs in the bone zone... you know what mean "753-5"?"

If you pussies over there at AT&T, have the tit's to sic your robo-thugs on me with some kind of passive, "Don't Shoot the Messenger" tactic of letting your customer know he is being butt fucked by you guys. At least figure out a way to get back on some kind of follow up. Sure, you gave me a number and some website (useless at my current speeds), but I prefer to deal with you "753-5". CongratuFuckinLations! you are my official nemesis and I'm about to open up a good damned personal Hezbollah on your fuckin' robot face!

By the way I figured out your little scam in the shower this morning (while I wasn't masturbating, thx again!)...

So I'm part of the top 5% of data users on your network, and my data package plan is grandfathered in to an unlimited package, which I pay $20 extra a month for, compared to the people who are not on the unlimited plan. The statistic I saw online claims that being part of that 5% means that I use 12 times more data than 95% of AT&T customers. That's a lot more data (12x) and a lot more of you (95%), who are not getting enough data! I'm like mother fuckin' Johnny 5, you stupid fucks! People who are not on an unlimited plan will pay fines if they go over their allotted data. So, what I theorized is this, You've got the extra $20 out of me no matter what, even now that you've bumped my signal down from 3G to 2G. Because your bandwidth is so shitty in the states, you aren't advanced enough to provide all your customers with the same service quality!? So, what should you do? Keep the extra $20 from the unlimited subscribers that consume a lot of data on your network, fuck them over by slowing the speeds of their service...AND THEN, figure out a way to suck more money out of the other 95% of your customers, by speeding up their service in the hopes more people will use data on a speedier network, probably, definitely increasing the amount of people that come in over there data plan, forcing them to pay an additional fee. It's pretty smart right? With 95% of your customers running on a slightly faster speed, while simply fucking over the remaining 5%, by slowing theirs, you have the potential to gain some serious returns on over limit fees.

Anyway, I hate your fucking guts, you guys are miserable cock sucking devils and I hope you all rot in fucking hell. Suck my dick!

Super Pissed,
MKY and the CDS5K Team

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Burger Wrap!

I get a lot of grief from people in the world when I don't post anything for a while... Sorry, I feel like every other post is me talking about how I'll post more. But I will. I recently had a Computer Death Birthday on Thursday Dec. 1st, it was pretty good, I got a voice controlled R2D2 Robot, that I still haven't really gotten around to fully penetrating yet... with my penis... but I will, and when I do, I'll put the video up here for all you sickos! I also got one of those Kuerig Coffee makers, it's one of those ones that you use the "K-Cup" thingy... Anyway, I love both of the gifts, my only concern is how much coffee I've been drinking, at this rate my teeth will be black in a month. Oh well, that's life I guess. Anyway, I love getting presents and will hope that I continue to get them often... In this kind of wrapping paper!

Dia in the Vida No.1 - FrstPersPOV

Friday, November 25, 2011

What are You Drinking?

Dudes, there are things in the universe that create a noise that no one really hears... Maybe it's a ripple in time or the fabric of the universe itself, being fluffed over a freshly made bunk bed? Or maybe it's the little creatures living inside of your iPhone, tiptoeing into your soul as you purchase the rare VOL. II book you were wanting from Amazon? Perhaps it's ME, walking past you on the street, locking eyes and imagining myself tickling you until you pee a little? Later, we share a laugh as we clean up the mess you've made of your Anne Klien pant suit. Surely it seems like you should hear it, but we simply cannot. Here are some Computer Death Texts from another anonymous fuck party that is my Friday night?

*Christian, I blurred out your name as to keep you safe from internet predators.

*Catie, I also blurred out your name as to keep you safe from internet predators.

**Kevin and Finn, I hope you both get physically assaulted in your bathing suit areas by internet predators
, What are you drinking? You need to stop and go to church!

Black Friday is More Evidence...

that most of us are stupid.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

iPhone Screensaver of the Week! (No. 2)

It's one of the three magical words that still seem to make most Americans squirm a bit, Cunt, Love and Nigger. I don't know why we've given these words so much power, then again I'm not a black guy. So it's not my place to speculate on that one... But Cunt is the theme for the next week or so on my iPhone!

Monday, November 21, 2011

White is the New Black

Computer Death App No. 1

Here's what I made myself last night in celebration of Alaskan Salmon Independence and Gay Pride (ASIGP) day, which we all know is November 20th... Furthermore what's all this "Movember" shit? Knock it off, the irony of growing a novelty mustache has exceeded being passé at this point. But in case your are reading my blog and are doing it, it's totally hilarious bro! So, what we're dealing with in the Computer Death Food Department here is, Crispy Wontons filled with Red Salmon, Cilantro, Scallion and Goat Cheese. I can't confirm if any of the Salmon I ate were free or gay... But they did kinda smell like dick while prepping, so...

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Chicken or the Egg?...

MJ and some members of the CDS5K team were discussing Kim Kardashian and basically how it is she became a household name, without a body pillow. It turns out, we had it all wrong... You have to make yourself the actual body pillow, and only with famous black dudes. "singers" are a good start, but you ultimately have to upgrade to athletes if you really wanna drive the fame bus all the way home... We theorized further about whether or not her fathers defense of OJ (Black Guy/Pro Athlete) had anything to do with that. I dunno, but we jotted down some of our ideas on this cocktail napkin in true cliche Mad Men style... See if you can make any sense of this...

Computer Death Journal No. 2... Please Order a Body Pillow!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Computer Death Journal No. 1 REDUX

Referees Die All the Time...

So, I'm sitting here riding the couch on this fabulous Sunday, watching NFL RedZone and they cut to the Cleveland / St. Louis game. Right after showing Steven Jackson bust a 20 yard run, they hard cut to the image below. There is a moment of dead air, nothing is said and they immediately cut back to game coverage. I was like, "what the fuck was that!?"

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Computer Death Lunch No. 4

Today I continued to impress Computer Death Self with my own culinary prowess... Spicy Gnocchi with Peppered Chicken Breast.

In other news, I have decided to pull down the original Computer Death Journal entry, mostly because I wasn't happy with the content and my own babbling foolishness. But I'll put up a CDJ No. 1 REDUX soon...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Computer Death Lunch No.3

Whole Wheat Capelleni with Chicken and assorted Fingerling Potatoes in an Asian Sesame Ginger Soy Peanut sauce (Frankenstiened together by MKY). Deliciously placed into my food hole.

Copyright 2011 CDS5K All Rights Reserved (Boomshakalaka)

Computer Death Socks No.1

Get it together feet!

Monday, November 7, 2011

I Told You I'd Get it Done!

So, you're probably like, "I thought you had work to do?, and you're jaggin' aroung talking about fancy wines"... But guess what. DONE! Fell asleep until 3:00am, woke up from an intense fever dream in which my spirit animal... The BearSharkTopus, provided me with inspiration to complete the task at hand. At least now I can sleep in a bit today as opposed to waking up around now (5:30ish AM) to get it done! Good Night internet, stay cool.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Computer Death Wine Review No.1

So, I should be working right now... Computer Death Studios is a busy place. But, there is always more time and the work always gets done so, I might as well put a "CDWR" up here. I decided that I'm going to put some effort into becoming a wine snob, if for no other reason but to be more pretentious and dickish in social situations.

For CDWR No. 1 I will be interpreting some of my experiences with this Argentinian Malbec in blog form to see if it's something you should end up pouring into your drinkin' hole.

Bodega Elena de Mendoza 2010 Argentinia Malbec MSRP $69.00... er Around $10 I think

First things first, I noticed that the liquid is a deep red color, not like the "white or yellow wines", I believe is the way a sommelier might say it. Which leads me to believe that since I am a man, I've got the right color liquid in my drinking vessel. Men never drink yellow (or cold wines), that's for chicks only, something else you might hear from a world renowned sommelier. To chill your red a little, the proper etiquette would be to place one or two ice cubes in the glass, preferably from store or gas station purchased bag of ice... welcome to Fancyville Mayor McWinepants, you did it!

Here's what the label says:
"Bodega Elena de Mendoza is named after our family matriarch, Elena Napoli, whose parents emigrated from Italy to the heart of Argentina's wine country in the nineteenth century. Our bold, beautiful wines take full advantage of the altitude, eternally sunny skies, and mountain water unique to our home at the foot of the Andes. This Malbec is full of dark, intense flavors and pairs perfectly with grilled steak."

Not bad, but really it just sounds like you are bragging Bodega Elena de Mendoza. Here's what I'm getting from this Spicy Latina Vino. Right off the bat, I'm getting a strong taco bouquet as I breath in through my smelling tubes. It makes sense, because as you know the taco is the national symbol of Argentina... What else...? It basically tastes like a taco too... to be honest guys.. between me and you... I think it's just mushed up tacos in a bottle... don't drink this stuff, just go get some tacos.

I'm giving her 4.15 deathmarx out of 5. (You translate that however you'd like, it's your life Netherlands, we are simply a squirrel that is trying to get the proverbial nut to move your butt on the internet's dance floor)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Memories of a Maniac

I have a specific memory from childhood in which I was eating Planter's Cheese Balls sitting on a plastic covered couch and watching Maniac Cop on television at my Grandma Boomer's house on 42nd and Campbell on the south side. All it took was this super sweet rap to bring it all back, I can practically smell those cheese balls...

My favorite line from this rap is as follows:

"You can set him on fire, or shot him with an Uzi, but he'll show up in your jacuzzi!"

Dear Sweat God and Jesus, Why Would You Ever Subject Yourself to this Lifestyle?

I just about did a spit take with my Pomegranate Pizazz Tea and Diet Caffeine Free Cola when I saw this. I really can't figure out on what specific kind of crazy level this commercial is... There are about a hundred of these "Real Date" spots on the YouTube page, I'm going to watch as many as I can tolerate and fuel my misanthropy... (Update, I made it through about 4 before I simply could not take it anymore)

AND furthermore... is that true? Probably, iPhones are defiantly sexier than Androids, Steve Jobs did make some sexy looking machinery didn't he? Okay, before I start sucking Apple's dick here, let's get back on track.... It would appear that she is right! Here is a link to the study results with charts and everything! >>>

Even More Updates!!! (Longest Post Title in CDS5K History btw)
So, I scanned that cNet article about the iPhone Sex study and the study was conducted by OkCupid!?!? Seriously! In case you don't know OkCupid is itself a free online dating company, or so you would think OkCupid users. Apparently in addition to trying to get you idiot's laid, OkCupid is conducting experiments and studies on you. Congratulations online dating community, you're fucking lab rats!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thoughts on a Movie No. 18

I'm gonna start by saying flat out, WATCH THIS MOVIE!!! Seriously here is a link to a DL:
GO NOW> or simply type " Super (2011)" in your iTunes which is what I did of course!

Well you've got a little bit of time while you wait for this to download, and good job for taking that step! The Summary is as follows:

After his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer, an everyday guy transforms himself into Crimson Bolt, a superhero with the best intentions, though he lacks for heroic skills.

I know you may be thinking this is not a "new" concept, but I must remind you, NOTHING IS! I really loved Kick Ass, like a lot, I even blogged about it (see "Thoughts on a Movie No. 13) > But this was a similar concept much more well executed, on what I imagine was a much smaller budget. AND that's not to take away from quality talent: Rainn Wilson (The Office), Ellen Page (Juno), Liv Tyler (Big Mouthed Rock Star's Daughter) and of course "The Baconator" Kevin Bacon (Hallow Man and Footloose Pt. 1, sorry Kevo). Yeah... they are all in it! Kick-Ass was great on every level I didn't expect, so when I stumbled upon "Super" I was like, "well I'll just smoke some weed and watch it", little did I know that I was about to fall in love. Maybe it's just the emotional state that CDS5K is in, but this thing nailed it on every level for me. That's right "The Netherlands", over there in your ivory towers making wooden shoes and building some of the baddest kickboxers in the world! Sometimes CDS5K gets sad. But tell Bas Rutten we said hello. Mainly, I'd like to not give away anything that may ruin this for you but it manages to be much darker and real(er) than "Kick-Ass" as far as a "John Everyman" (I've really gotta stop using this term) Superhero movie can be. That's all I have to say as far as the movie itself goes. It did remind me of a news story I saw as I was getting dressed for Computer Death Sister's wedding a couple of weeks ago...

So, I was putting on my tuxedo for my sister's wedding and a news story happened on the picture screen, it was about a real life super hero! Phoenix Jones has apparently been macing hippies outside of Seattle bars after having one too many IPAs. There is a way to do it, and there is a way to not... Phoenix Jones... after targeting closing time bar shenanigan's, I do not respect you as a superhero. Really guy?, you're gonna dress up and put on this whole show to mace wasted people!? At least do what a superhero was meant to do, which to steal a line from the movie is: " All it takes to be a superhero is the choice to fight evil". Not be a muscley black guy in a costume and accost drunk (sheltered) white people outside of a micro brewery, are you out of your tits sir?! What's the reaction you'd expect? anyway the story to this asshole can be found here >

Bottom line is the movie was very good, and watch it , if you can squeeze it into your insignificant life.

I'll say 4.76 death marx out of 5... which is better than "Kick Ass" btw.

Quote of the Movie: " You don't butt in line! You don't sell drugs! You don't molest little children! You don't profit off the misery of others! The rules were set a long time ago! They don't change!"
-Frank "The Superhero" (after being accused of being a psycho upon caving in the skull of a man who cut in line for a movie)

It's late... good night internet, welcome to November here are some screensavers for the month. Calenders are a great way to remind you that time is actually passing, don't let that shit pass you by pussies!


Monday, October 31, 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

Computer Death Dinner No.2

That's right, even people with perfect bodies can eat like chubby sluts! Pulled Pork Cheeseburger FTW! Consumed at Revolution Brewery along with beers and stuff!

Real Life Lichtenstein!

Amazing Halloween costume from CDS5K's biggest fan in the Netherland's, Babarella Albertina. Wow, you look amazing Bab's! Sorry I'll call soon. Nice job on bringing the Pop Art icon Roy Lichtenstein's work to life!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Computer Death Dinner No.1

They (Abraham Lincoln) always say, blog about what you know... Apparently all I know is food right now. Computer Death Food Screen continues with what I ate tonight: Fish / Salsa / Potatoes. I can probably start thinking about retiring "tilt-shift" too eh? No. Never mind I like it still.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Computer Death Injury No.1

This is what I get for deep cleaning my bedroom.. It's so clean now btw, I can sleep under my bed if I wanted to. But, I don't know if it's just a clumsy thing I have or what, but I feel like I bleed more often than the average person. Basically, the interesting story that caused this injury was a candle votive I knocked down broke and tried to kill me as I was cleaning it up. Fascinating.