Master The Internet

A lot of you out there might be wondering; How can Mikey be so awesome at "the Internet"? What can I do to also be great at "the Internet"? I swore I would never give my secret away but just like the law and promises, swearing to do something isn't worth a shit. So here it is, order soon because my blog has been getting a TON of traffic, I am at 863,972 views and the whole CDS5000 team couldn't be happier about our wealth and success. Rest assured we will have something special planned for our 1,000,000th view, maybe a live web cam party or something, not sure how big our budget will be because CDS5000 is still looking for corporate sponsorship...I've been busy lately so sorry again for inconsistent posting of greatness. Good Day!

Gods of the World (No. 4)

Satan (aka Lucifer, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, Bill Paxton)

The original "bad boy" of gods, at one time he was pretty tight with Christianity's "The God" (old Mr. Whitebeard), until one day he was like, "fuck all y'all, it's time for a revolution in this clouded city". You see, Lucifer was tired of bowing before God with all the other angels, he wanted to be the ruler of Heaven. Obviously things did not work out for Satan (then called Lucifer), God was like, "who the fuck do you think you are fuckin' with? bitch, we're done, you are dead to me now!". After a battle that lasted like, a minute, God cast Lucifer and his army of fallen angels down to a lake of fire where he would suffer for all of eternity. It's been a long time since all of that, and Satan has been pigeon-holed as a really bad dude, not necessarily the case. After getting to know a few things about him, you start to see genuine, sincere, human-like emotion and compassion. One thing for example that many people might not realize is that Satan is a Homosexual, I didn't even know what this was until I looked it up (so if you don't know either it's hyperlinked...actually sounds pretty cool). A gentleman I heard talking on his Bluetooth was saying how Satan is heavily involved in organizations such as; The Peace Corps, The Special Olympics, Food Not Bombs and NAMbLA. These are just of few of the things this "Prince of Darkness" is involved with, the list goes on and on! So next time you hear someone talking about what a jerk Satan is, remind them that he is a chairman for an organization that seeks legalization of sexual relationships between adult males and under-aged boys. They won't have much to say after hearing that...will they!

Omnipresence Is Our Selling Point

You see our insignia everywhere you go. It is on your clothes, on your television screen, on the walls of every street, in the pages of every magazine. It is branded upon your mind. You see it a thousand times more frequently than you see our nation's flag; you see it at least as often as you see you mother's face. We don't invest in communication to inform you about our products; we aim to promote ourselves. That's why we give you slogans and symbols instead of facts. We are not sharing information so much as we are spreading mystification. We are the deities of the new age; you accept us as all-powerful and all-knowing because you see our power and our presence everywhere. Your friends work for us, your smaller companies are owned by us, your politicians answer to us, everything is sponsored by or dictated by us. We seem to control everything, to stand over humanity like eternal gods. When you purchase our products, it's not tennis shoes or jeans or soft drinks you are really after; it's the aura of power. To children in the ghetto of the United States, Nike represents the wealth and status they long for. To shoppers in Italy (who have a heritage of much healthier and tastier food), McDonald's symbolizes the modern age they so desperately want to participate in. We rule over you because we have persuaded you that we are Divine. But all gods have a secret vulnerability: we cease to exist when people no longer believe in us. We seem to be invulnerable, but we could be dispelled as absolutely as the gods of ancient Greece if you recognized us for the phantoms that we are. We work around the clock, filling the world with our temples and our images, because we know that one day humanity is bound to wake up from this long nightmare.*

*Sorry for being so heavy bitches, more ridiculousness coming soon!

Pasta...At Pizza Hut?

Was watching TV, (weird right?) and saw a commercial for Pizza Hut, in which a bunch of white suburbinites keep saying things like "Pasta Hut?" or "Pasta... At Pizza Hut?" So, you guessed it, in addition to their iconic, authentic and delicious pizza they will now be branching into the world of authentic and delicious pasta. Through tiresome and meticulous research I have found that Pizza Hut's reason for this is a result of higher cheese and flour prices, making pizza a lower margin product. The other reason is that pizza sales have stagnated with sales falling to $5.2 Billion from $5.3 Billion the year before. Overall, I was pretty upset by this, leave it to the pro's! I thought, everyone knows if you want authentic gourmet Italian, you go to Olive Garden, not Pizza Hut. My advice to Pizza Hut exec's would be, try and make a pizza that doesn't taste like poison and doesn't kill you (all of you vital organs will liquify and will leave your body through the closest orifice 42.09 min. after you eat it), once you can do that, maybe look to the OG for authentic inspiration in your pasta dishes. Anyway, I couldn't find the spot I saw but here is a different one where a bunch of New Yaahkas are duped into thinking they are eating authentic pasta prepared at the hands of a prestigious chef.

So if Pizza Hut insists on bringing its own sort of Frankenstein to us in the form of pasta, Learn from the master's the OG:

I Say Osama, They Say Usama

Apparently the FBI wanted to put a little "USA" into the name of the #1 Most Wanted Terrorist, Osama Bin Laden. Now I just don't know what to do because I talk about OBL like 24 - Sev, should I be saying Osama or Usama, I am freaking out holmes! It seems to me that everything I have seen since them towers came down says Osama, but the frickin' FBI, says Usama, I guess they are just fucking morons, the fact that they can't even spell his name right explains a lot! FBI should stand for "Fucking Bumbling Idiots" instead of "Female Booty Inspectors", you know what I mean! According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, it can go either way, but come on how often do you see The Director's name ("The Director" is alias of his apparently) spelled with a "U", get your shit together FBI, assholes! The reason there are Sliders next to OBL's face is that the blue and white reminded me of White Castle...I wonder if OBL has ever had White Castle, if he did it probably wasn't a Bacon Chee! But who know's maybe he has had White Castle, and maybe he loves it, I doubt it though. What was I even talking about...I don't know anymore, I really don't

Awesome Shit of the Year 1980 (No. 1)

I vaugley remember wathing this move when I was a really small child, and had pretty much forgotten all about it until I was able to rewatch it last night. Just happened to be flipping through the guide at about 11:00 last night when the title "Alligator" magically appeared on Sci-Fi or something along those lines. If you are into watching a movie about a baby pet alligator who gets flushed down the toilet, then grows into a 36-foot freak of nature terrorizing the Chicago underground (yeah that's right movie takes place in Chicago too!), then you should probably find a way to see this movie. You can get it on Netflix, at your local video store or if you are rich like me, you can purchase it on Amazon for as low as $9.00! This is definately not everyone's cup of tea but, if you like movies like "Manequinn" or "Schindler's List" you'll definately love "Alligator". I have also provided a video of the original trailer, so if you don't have the Juevos to go out and watch the movie at least check out the trailer, oh and there is a special cameo in this trailer too I won't give it away but...Okay! it's M. Night Shyamalan, if you don't know who this is, his line is: "Alligators..in the sewers?" and he is talking to a nurse in a hospital. Have fun and don't drink and drive!

Obama is Mexican Sabertooth Half-Breed

Presidential Candidate Barack Obama claims to be half black guy and half white guy. It has recently been brought to my attention from a very reliable source* that this is not true. If you will examine the photo on the left, you will clearly see that Obama is actually half Mexican, half Sabertooth Tiger, and fully HOT!! (jk, i'm hetero) But seriously its pretty clear from the evidence that we as a nation, as the people of the world have been duped by this freaky (hot!!) mutant. The question now is, how do we feel about the possibility of having a "Sabexican" as our next president? And why is he ashamed of his actually origins? Perhaps because both Mexicans and Sabertooth Tigers became extinct around 9,000 years ago. So this inturn would also mean that Obama himself is roughly 9,000 years old, also making him somekind of immortal witch, or warlock I should say. Damn this just keeps getting better. So what we are dealing with is barely even a human, an Immortal Sabexican Warlock, that's a mouthful. We will have to just wait and see how this all works out, so get out there and vote whenever your supposed to. Remember that when you vote it doesn't fucking matter, your not choosing a fucking thing, representative democracy preserves the illusion of participation and consent. Whoever you vote for, we are ungovernable. But I guess it would be cool to see a Sabexicann win the contest because they need a moral boost.

*image provided by Petey the Mind Robot

Jitter Juice Review

Red Bull Sugar Free -
Solid energy beverage, it was the original so that’s got to say something, it pretty much set the standard for how all of the other brands would look and taste. The taste can be described as otherworldly, so if you are an idiot, that means I can’t seem to relate to anything of this world. When I drink it I feel like an angel has just spit in my mouth, slapped me across the face and gave me a tittie twister.
Monster Lo Carb -
This was probably the second major energy bev, to go all out on the marketing, and the sweet thing is that it was half the price and double the size, not the case anymore. This sugar free version has a sort of weird cotton candy taste and an oaky finish. When I drink it, I feel like a beast is growing inside of me and I want to eat a person.
Amp Sugar Free -
Extreme drink specialists, Mountain Dew produced this energy drink for people who love being totally extreme in everything they fucking dew! The taste of this drink is pretty sour and a bit tinny, vaguely reminiscent of Mountain Dew, kind of a blood or irony finish. When I drink it I’m urged to kidnap someone and do the whole ransom thing, or maybe just an armed robbery or something.
Rockstar Zero Carb -
This m f’er has 50% more caffeine than the original Rockstar, so you can expect you pee to be 50% more weird smelling. This stuff like the Amp is pretty sour but has a blueberry flavor to it that’s actually pretty good. When I drink this stuff, I definitely don’t feel like a rockstar, I don’t want to party like a rockstar, basically nothing involving a rockstar comes to mind. Fuck rockstars, and their stupid fuckin’ pants!

UpShot -

This is one of those little 2.5oz. things you see at the counter of a 7-11 or something. This shit sucks, imagine emptying the contents of an ashtray and some Nyquil to a blender and this is what you would get. It says “pomegranate” on the little bottle, there is no hint of this fruit at all. When I drink it, I feel no energy, only the smell of death and the plague, avoid pouring this stuff into your mouth.

Living With Mind Robots

So I’ve got this Mind Robot, I just found out about him, I’m not sure if everyone has one, but unfortunately I do. At first I was like, this is awesome, I’ve got a robot in my head, this is gonna change my life forever. He’d be up there doing all this awesome robot stuff, we could hang out and basically be buds. Then I thought what is “robot stuff” what do robots actually do? Well, this one does nothing, Petey (that’s his name) just sits around in my mind, gets high and when he is not asleep, he is watching TV. No, I couldn’t have gotten a useful Mind Robot like one of those Roombas who can vacuum all of the nonsense out of my mind, instead I get a lazy piece of shit that perpetuates it. Anyway, if you find out you’ve got a Mind Robot, don’t freak out, hopefully yours will be useful for something. It looks like I am stuck with Petey for now, I have commissioned a team of Bulgarian scientists to research and explore possible Mind Robot extraction, but I’m not gonna hold my breath (Bulgaria is the only place I could afford a team of scientists). I haven’t found any reported cases of Mind Robots on the internet, but i did stumble upon a couple of things that seem like they could actually be Mind Robots mistaken for something else, the first is something called “schizophrenia” and the other is called “multiple personality disorder”. After reading about these “psychiatric disorders”, I’ve come to the conclusion that these are indeed mind robots, not some type of neurological chemical imbalance.

MexiCAN or MexiCAN't

This is what the lower half of North America looked like before the 1848 Mexican-American War, Mexico was way bigger back then, but I feel that Mexico's land loss had more to do with Banditos and Chupacabras than the this little skirmish in the mid-1800's. Anyway, this is a recently released ad by Vin & Spirit, the makers of Absolut Vodka, after recieving many complaints from offended Americans, the ad was pulled and the marketing team was shit-canned. People are way to F'in sensitive, we live in a world full of pussies and complainer's, one American Absolut drinker said, "I have poured the remainder of my Absolut bottles down the sink". Yeah fuckin' right dude, you definitely did not pour perfectly good vodka down the sink, but if by writing that you did on a blog makes you feel better about whatever it is your trying to accomplish than more power to you pussy! This ad was made for Mexicans by Mexicans, so whats the BFD, do you think that by running a Swedish Vodka ad in Mexico, some kind of new Mexican Revolution is going to occur...it might, there is already what Mexican immigrants are referring to as the "Reconquista" occurring in the American Southwest. So go ahead and build your Bajillion dollar sheet-metal wall, and pull any "offensive" advertisements, it won't prevent this inevitable invasion...wait a minute...maybe they are right, maybe this Absolut ad is exactly how these things start. I have officially, flip-flopped, advertisements like this one are exactly the type of dangerous thinking that will bring this great country to its knee's. We need to build the wall higher and stronger, do what you can to get as many illegals back to Mexico...as it says every day as I get off the train, "if you see something, say something" (this is referring to terrorism, another demon we must battle and fear, but can be applied to the Mexican invasion). Win or lose, we have to fight to prevent the evils of Mexico from infiltrating and corrupting the American way, I will die defending this land if I have to. In closing, I would not advise wasting good vodka, even if it is Absolut, everyone knows that your a way tougher and a way better fighter when you are drunk. So if times are desperate, they might call for desperate measures, drink down whatever Absolut you have and fight until you can't anymore. Viva Estados Unidos!

Camping Trip Gone Wrong

I saw this sketch and thought it was pretty funny, I have been pretty busy doing actual work to pay the bills and shit so I haven't had time to write much lately. Soon enough I will get back on the ball and worry about the things in my life that actually matter like this blog, so go F yourselves, and I will see you soon.