GRAVITY (SPOILERS... Lite Spoilers)
Or, as I have decided to call it, "Contact 2: Zero Contact, Wit Cloon Doggy and Sandy Bux Y'aLLZJ!"
I knew I was getting myself into a pickle by choosing this anxiety attack neatly packaged into a sweet 3D movie. When I was a kid (12-13humanyears) I was snorkeling off Cozumel and as the day went on became more and more brazen with my distances from the shore. I found myself at a drop off point at the end of the 30 ft deep crystal clear water I had been surfacing on. The water went from clean and clear turquoise blue to murky deep blue sea. Once I realized the depth and mystery of what was beyond me, it was too much for my brain to process. I swam my ass back to shore as fast as I could. The feeling of claustrophobia, with a kind of inverted stimulus manifesting the same sense of hopelessness. Agoraphobia, I think... An idea I've explored before, and experienced. To take things up a notch I "Smidged" (Smoked) myself retardo! Here we GO!!
Old Sandy Catz (Bullock) is some fancy doctor type who has no business being in space. Mainly because it seems like she's one of these "computer doctors", and not a "space computer doctor"... Not to mention a woman... I've said it a thousand times: "Space is for MAN! It says so in the bible."
So, the movie opens on a trio of astronauts playing around on the space station like it's fucking spring break. I swear, I was waiting for Clooney to throw a Nerf football at the "Crazy Russian Cosmonaut", who is space dancing to outdated American pop music. In fact, of the three, the only one getting anything done was Ole' Miss Sandy Catz (Sandra Bullock). Ha! and you see!? You thought I was being misogynistic with my, "women have no place in space" propaganda. But, I just brought it back around on you're ass... So you're sexist.
So, Sandy Catz is working on this microchip wing thing coming out of the side of the ISS (International Space Station), when CloonDog, jet pack farts his way over to her. Sandy Catz is having a hard time with whatever it is shes trying to fix. CloonDog reassures her with his stunning voice work. They share a laugh about puke experiences from the past space week, and CloonDog moves his way directly into the "I'm going to have sex with you" zone on Sandy Catz.
HOUSTON comes over the radio (paraphrasing of course):
HOUSTON: Uh, so I guess the Russians blew up one of their satellites a minute ago... Like a missle test or something?... We're not sure... Just found out... But Uh... There is like some debris from it flying around... probably won't be a problem... carry on...
CloonDog: Uh, copy that Houston... Keep us posted... Over.
SandyCatz: Should we be worried?
CloonDog: Let our boys down there do the worryin'! (wink, charm, giggle share)
HOUSTON: Oh Shit!!! Hey Guys, that thing... All the space debris... Yeah, It's coming right for you... Our bad... We thought it might... Abort Mission Y'all!!!!
Now, all fucking hell breaks loose, the Space Station and Shuttle are getting peppered with debris from the Russian "satellite removal project"... And, by the way... Nice job guys (writers)!! Go ahead, throw the Russians under the bus... Let's be honest... We (America) did it!
SooooOoooo, ISS, getting pelted with super fast flying metal space garbage, ripping this bitch apart, when BAM! The dancing Cosmonaut takes a deathblow from flying space trash! (rad... I whimper to myself under my breath)... THEN BANG the whole fucking ISS comes bursting apart in glorious 3D action (ak-cion), and Sandy Catz is unfortunately connected to this arm thing flying around, so it looks like she's on some crazy carnival zipper ride or something. Oh Yeah, This is all in 3D by the way, so again, pretty cool. Uuuuhm, Right, So, Sandy Catz is attached to this arm thing that she was working on the "space computer doctor" stuff on and Cloon Dog is telling her, like, "You have to unlatch your ass from that thing or you're done!" She does, he space farts his way over to her and he nabs her ass.
So, where are we now? Deep dark, disconnected space mother fuckers! NO LIFE IN SPACE! Your atmosphere is the fucking outfit you're wearing homie!!!... The dust settles and we got a CloonDog carabinered to a Sandy Catz in space.... That's where I'll leave it...
There are spoilers, but not like total plot ruining, experience ruining spoilers... I mean.. If you read this and then go to see the movie... You'd have a pretty bangin' ass time still. So, that's all. Go see the movies! I'm going to drink more of this amazing vodka... See in next post... when bottle is empty. jk jk jk.
I'm going to grant this fil(e)m:
4.21 deathmarx out of 5 (3D is a major factor)... ((Also, IMAX))
Quote of the Movie:
"I Hate Space!"
-Sandy Catz
Now, for some screen caps:
