Lifetime Original Movies...

Everyone knows what Lifetime is, right? Well if you don't, you might as well put a pistol in your mouth and paint a Jackson Pollock with your brain matter on the wall behind you, or jump in front of a train... but not during rush hour, that fucks everyone else's day up. So Lifetime is great, it's kinda like the FUBU of television networks, except for women. I was thinking of potential titles for original Lifetime movies, this will also give you an idea of the type of shows the produce. Here is a title I thought of the other day, well I can't take total credit it was a collective brainstorming session that produced it. If you think you have one, please go ahead and post it in the comments.

"My Deaf Sister's Husband, Raped me and Killed My Baby" (the mini-series)

staring Rob Lowe as Deaf Sister's Husband/Rapist/Baby Killer

Asterisk* - Day 5 of 365

This morning I walked out of my house, camera in hand and saw this, and liked it alright, so I took a picture of it. Now I am putting it on this blog, about 5 minutes ago I drained my bladder into a porcelain bowl of water. I drank too much water today so I am peeing a lot, hopefully you all out there aren't peeing so much, it can be an inconvenience. If you wanna do a cool experiment with your pee, asparagus is a great tool, both for smell and color testing. Sorry if that's gross, but everyone pees, so it's not gross, unless you one of those people who gets in the bath tub and has someone pee all over you for sex... that's gross! you know what I mean jelly-bean. Back to the picture though, it is below.

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Baby-V 13

Here is the vampire, not much else to say about that. You know, if I had the choice to become a vampire I would definitely do it, no hesitation. All they do is, live forever, basically party all night, have sex and sleep all day. I'm like 90% there already. It's just the fangs and the living forever part I need to figure out, then I am golden. Do you remember Eddie Murphy in "Vampire in Brooklyn", God, that was horrible, I would rather dance than ever see that movie again, and I fucking hate dancing. What the hell happened to Eddie Murphy anyway? He hasn't been in a decent movie for like 15 years, since the last Beverly Hills Cop movie. Maybe one day he will get of his high horse and make a movie where he doesn't play all the characters, what a damned asshole. You broke the hearts of children everywhere born and unborn. We are coming for you Eddie Murphy and we are gonna getcha, so watch your back you penis pump.

Mark of the Beast - Day 4 of 365

Page six hundred and sixty-six, in "The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe", which is where one of my favorite stories begins, "The Cask of Amontillado". The touching tale of of a man who bricks another man in the wall of his wine cellar for talkin' shit, that's some pretty gangster ass shit right there, you know. A harsh punishment for verbal slandering but really drives home the point that you are not to be fucked with because you are completely insane. Another macro shot here, most of them probably will be to start because you can create better compositions.

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Baby-W 13

Here is the next little guy in the "baby monster 13" series, if it isn't obvious this is the werewolf. I guess he can be considered the "bad boy" of the group, since he is wearing a cutoff flannel and all, also he totally somkes Newports and drinks Busch. I have decided not to make dildos out of these, production is just not gonna end up being cost effective, and it was a bad idea. So, sorry if anyone had their hopes up for getting one of these baby monster 13 dildos, but that's the way it goes. So yeah, just kind of doing this out of boredom, this past week has been kinda slow at work so my A.D.D. has kicked in hardcore and am doing a bunch of random shit. Yeah, I still wanna do the mummy, vampire, zombie and frankenstein. That will make an even six and then I will make some cool prints or something. Also, do yourself a favor and have a good cry every now and again, it's better than resorting to physical violence, plus you can't get arrested for crying.

Bento Boxed Lunches, Best Thing Ever!

I am losing the battle with insomnia this evening, but I did stumble upon something pretty great. It's called "Bento" and it is a Japanese box lunch delicately prepared. I am hoping that between the Cabernet and Vicodin I will be getting to sleep soon but until then I will talk about this shit. A traditional bento consists of rice, fish or meat and one or more pickled or cooked vegatables as a side dish. Containers range from disposable mass produced to hand crafted laquerware. Here is a photo montage of some of the cooler looking Bento that I saw on flickr.

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Crab Cakes but with Salmon and Jalepenos

I haven't done one of these recipe things in a while so here we go. A while back I made some salmon cakes and they were really good, and pretty easy. I went to a wedding last night and they served a crab cake with the fillet, and last weekend I had a crab cake at this restaurant we went to. Why all the crab cakes, you might be wondering, and the answer is, I don't know, it just feels right. They are all around me everywhere I look there are fucking crab cakes, on TV, on bicycles, in the coffee shops, smoking cigarettes outside the methadone clinic in town, everywhere. I wonder who would win in a fight between a Crab and a Salmon of equal proportions, let's reflect on that for a moment..... nice, yeah I agree they would both die from injuries sustained in the epic battle. Good show Crab and Salmon, good show. What the fuck am I talking about here, oh yeah. Since, I've never really cooked or fucked with crab all that much, salmon is easier to work with and easier to find. (1) Get some salmon, one of those 7oz. metallic packages and put it in a mixing bowl. (2) Make sure it is all separated and flaked, add some diced jalepenos, about 1/2 cup of bread crumbs, one beaten egg and some dill. (3) Mix it all together until consistency is looking even, now for balls of the mixture and flatten them out on a plate. (4) Throw these little mothers in a skillet or wok with olive oil and fry them up until the are looking good and goldeny brown. That's it. Wait what?

Chinese Soup - Day 3 of 365

I made myself some old fashioned egg drop soup, just like mom used to make growing up in Xi'an China... where I was born. Unfortunately, I had to flee my homeland after killing a man with my dangerous Kung Fu. After I came to America I married a white lady and acted in martial arts movies, with dudes like Kareem Abdul Jabar, it has been pretty cool being me, so just sayin. Here is a picture of the soup, it was pretty good too, I bought some mix, added water, one egg and there you have it. pee-pee, poo-poo, weiner and butt.

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Famous Salad Dessing Maker Passes @ 83 :(

Paul Newman, who is famous mainly for making great salad dressing, past away after a long battle with "the man". Nobody really knows much about the life of Paul Newman... just salad dressing, that is his legacy... a ton of salad dressing. actually the Newman's Own company started making other food products too like; lemonade, pasta sauce, marinades, popcorn, salsa, and steak sauce, all types of shit. Newman's death was untimely, he was just getting ready to break into acting, he had begun posting videos of people getting hit in the nuts on youtube. A hollywood person saw these videos and offered the kid a shot in the upcoming movie "Tyler Perry's: Madea goes to jail". This could have been the break Paul needed to fufill his dream of becoming a famous actor but there just wasn't enough time. Rest In Peace, a legendary food product manufactuer. 1925-2008.

Fantastik G2 - Day 2 of 365

Bought some groceries after the "asian" massage parlor today, Its somewhat disturbing to me that the Fantastik and G2 are the exact same color. Some people out there may know that I am basically an idiot and there is a very good chance that I will meet my demise by accidentally drinking the cleaning chemical instead of the electrolyteyish beverage goodness. fuck beans.

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Baby-G 13

Here is Baby G 13, I had an idea for a series of paintings or prints of baby monsters, you know with Halloween coming and all. Here is the first, a little ghost, I wanna make a werewolf, vampire, zombie, frankenstein, mummy and i think that's it, just the classics you know. Actually I think maybe even t-shirts could be cool if done the right way... or glass dildos with these things printed all over them... yeah fuck everything else, these are getting printed on dildos, glass ones, and that's the final decision. So once I find a place to make said dildos, I will let you all know where you can purchase and then enjoy these fine dildos... dildos.

Hamilton - Day 1 of 365

I have seen these on the internet and thought it would be a cool way for me to post at least one thing on CDS5000 everyday. Basically, I will take take one sweet picture everyday for a year and post it up here, starting today. Don't think that this means I won't be posting other very important things here, this is just an addition to the content up in this muuuuthafuka. So here it is:

Day 1 of 365

Macro shot of a twenty dollar bill held up to a light so you can see Hamilton's stupid face shining through over the white house. Just thought it looked cool, like it was all photoshopped up but it wasn't, I also like how "In God We Trust" folds out across the top.

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Ballcatch coming soon to DVD

I just got home from a little weekend "bro" trip down in Florida and it was a pretty sweet time. The cool thing is that something really great came out of the trip too, a movie. It's called ball catch and it's part documentary, part action / adventure and even a little gay porn in there. The bulk of the movie is basically drunk dudes throwing a ball back and forth in a pool, usually only one of the people involved in "ballcatch" is actually in the pool. Some of the other stuff in this sweet movie is: doing beer bongs out of swimming noodles, cannonballs, angry blow jobs and mimosa abuse. Pretty sure this thing is gonna be fucking huge and everyone will probably be taking about ball catch, like at work, or at the mall, or at the bank. Don't look like an asshole in these situations, figure out what "ballcatch" means to you and join in on these conversations. If you don't you will probably get your ass kicked and be publically rediculed or you might get punched in the dick really, really fucking hard. That would suck bad! So for the last time, ballcatch it up you motherfucking fruitcakes. I'm out.

New Album Coming Soon

The previous "Blizzard Man" post reminded me that I have had a rap album in the works for about 5 years now. You have probably see the cover pictured above I made, well about 5 years ago (was first learning photoshop). But Recently I have come up with a track list and started writing lyrics to the first song entitled "Murderboner". So here is the working track list I have so far:

1. Murderboner (Killing Sexually Excites Me!)
2. Fancy in So Many Ways
3. Grind up on My Penis
4. Summers in Nantucket
5. I Fucked a Dead Chick
6. I don't particularly care for the Po-lice
7. Hassle free checking
8. Addicted to Porn
9. Pterodactyls, Stegosauruses and One Triceratops

Blizzard Man...

You may or may not have seen this before, I saw it for the first time today and think it is something good so watch it... oh, and uh, go fuck yourself too. Sorry for the Saturn ad, they are not an official sponsor of CDS5000. So I have to tell you if you buy or ride in a Saturn, you will definitely get AIDS.