Thursday, August 25, 2011

Computer Death Lunch No. 1

Today for lunch I enjoyed a delicious Lobster Roll from a local organic food store and cafe. Lobsters and I have had a long and jaded history. Much of my life has been spent despising them, and the fact that I watched a drunk and high gang of them rape and murder my Great Grandmother may have something to do with that. Ever since that night, I vowed to eat as many of these little monsters as I could. You are being avenged Great Grandma Ann! Slowly but surely, they took one of my family members... I will take thousands of theirs. In the words of DMX, if "You think this is a game? You think it's a fucking game?"... It is. A game called, I'm eating you!!! Anyway, in truth my sweet Grandma Ann was not raped and killed by Lobsters, it was old age or a stroke or something, I don't know, I was young. BUT lobsters are delicious and my first experience with the east coast famed "Lobster Roll" was a delight. It was $15, being independently wealthy and having no concept of the value of money, that means nothing to me. I don't know if that's cheap or expensive. The portion was healthy and served in a soft toasted bun with truffle mayonnaise. Get one if you can!

Here are some unknown facts about Lobster's:

  1. Most of them do not speak Spanish.
  2. Steve Jobs replacement as CEO will be a Lobster.
  3. Lobsters usually can't wear pants.
  4. The Sun is actually made entirely of Lobsters.
  5. If you put a Lobster under your pillow at night, a huge Lobster will take it and replace it with an iPad. (I have 14 iPads if anyone wants to buy one, they're 1stGen tho...)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Movie Pitch Monday (Wednesday Edition)

I had this idea a few weeks back and put these quick poster mock-ups on I Shark Hearts, which is my other blog with an awesome name and bullshit content, that I made to basically RSS feed it to my "professional" website...

But CDS5K is where this MPM should be, along with the others.

So here's my pitch:

The current owner of his deceased father's once successful seafood restaurant is struggling to keep his business and himself alive. He's in over his head with the local Yakuza boss in loans and needs to find a way to make good on his debt. Yamaguchi (the Yakuza boss) throws Daitaro (the Restaurant owner and protagonist) a bone by arranging a meeting with some of his associates at a remote fishing cove. Yamaguchi assure's Daitaro that they can provide him with the quality fish his father would be proud to serve to his patrons, at a fraction of the cost. The Cove is located near an old WW2 restricted military base, which makes Daitaro hesitant, but is left with no other choice. After an agreement is made with Yamaguchi's shady connection, Daitaro can't believe the size, price and quality of the fish he will be serving in the restaurant. Over the next month, the restaurant has never been so busy and Daitaro is begining to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everything is going great, until one night a costumer returns a few days after dining at the restaurant extremely ill. The man is almost incoherent demanding that he need more of the fish he had the other night to make him feel bettter... but he is too far gone and after a struggle at the front door, sinks his rotting teeth into the hostesses face, thus beginning the onset of a horrible plauge and the DAWN of the DEADLIEST CATCH!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cryptid Vineyards

Here is an idea I had for a wine series branded through Crytozoological creatures, like Bigfoot, the Lochness Monster, El Chupacabra, etc. This is the first little play session I had. But these have the potential to be so Fkin tasty I think. Just need some polish and TLC.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Angry Letters No. 2

Dear Smug Bitch Who Wrote This,

How do I know you are a she? It's all in the handwriting. And you know what bitch, fuck you for judging me, my answer is yes, yes I AM. Clearly you're the one why can barely stand the person you're becoming. Don't drag me into you're negative bullshit self-help exercises. Next time you roll your fat ass outta bed to go through the trouble of making something like this, maybe you should just jump in front of a train and deal with the inevitability of personal failure. And I know this is short n' sweet, but I think I've conveyed my main point, which in case you forgot fatty... kill yourself.

MJ and the CDS5K team

Friday, August 19, 2011

Angry Letters No. 1

Dear H.S. Cross Country Coaches,

You can Imagine my frustration when I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM to the sound of obnoxious clapping and unconvincing attempts at masculine screaming. At first when I looked out my bedroom window I thought, "well, those cool-ass Oakley's are probably preventing them from realizing what time it actually is". But as the unwarranted bravado and screaming continued, so did my growing rage. It's Cross Country dudes.. You guys are pussies, through and through, those little shorts and even smaller upper torsos are excellent indicators of this fact. You can run far huh? Great, you'll be able to use that as a metaphor for the rest of your life, running from everything. I guess I can understand why you'd be running at 6:30AM when triple sessions for football practice starts at 8:00AM. The fear you must feel from the kids and coaches that actual own a pair of testicles, would be more than enough motivation to get your run and beta male (click link for def.) tasks out of the way while I'm trying to sleep. Also, to illustrate MY own masculinity and no non-sense attitude I'm gonna take with this issue, listen up... So help me God, if you should dare wake me from my slumber again, I will not hesitate for one second to contact the village and file a formal complaint. Take notice mother fucker's you've been warned.

MJ and the CDS5K team

CDS5K Prapaganda - 20XIc

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Thoughts on a Movie No.17

I heard about this movie and had the good fortune of being able to see it all in about the span of a 7 day week, or as I like to call it an "Earth Week". This hidden British gem was opened as a limited release and despite the attachement of "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz" producers is technically considered an indie. So unless you have the luxury of living in or around a legitimate city, you'll probably have to wait for the Blu-Ray or DVD (if you're poor) release, sorry small town Suzie's! Here is the synopsis as I recall:

A group of young thugs in South London gots to defend they spot from an Alien invasion that for whatever reason seems to be taking place in the projects... I'm going to digress a little here, but I must admit, British ghettos seem to be way fancier than those in the US of A, I don't know if it's the accents, crumpets of reversie steering wheels but it IS fancier. Let's get back on track though... What starts as a typical night, of smoking jazz cigarettes and jackin' fools for these young blokes, becomes a fight for their life when mysterious comet like flares begin to fall from the sky. The fearless leader and younger British Denzel Washington doppleganger Moses, slays one of the beasts after being attacked. This sets off an all out war between glow toothed warewolf-esque Aliens and our young rag tag group of (fancy) miscreants. There is just the right amount of violence and tongue-in-cheek shennanigans to make this movie worth seeing to anyone who is tired of RomComs about best friends fucking each other and falling down as they try to put on their pants and wants to see something original.

Overall I'm gonna give this across the pondy thriller-diller a 4.02 out of 5 deathmarx.

Quote of the Movie:
Sam: "What's Ron's Weed Room?" Pest: "It's a room, filled with weed. that belongs to Ron"
-Sam and Pest discussing the semantics of a local gangster's grow room

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Cut Loose?...

I'm definitely ready to! For those of you who know me, it may not seem like I'm that much of a "dancer" per say. The thing you don't know, is that for the last 10 years (give or take) of my life, I've meticulously been rehearsing and choreographing the "pissed off Kevin Bacon dance" from the original Footloose movie daily in my garage. It's basically become part of my morning ritual, along with bloodletting and ancient Sumerian stone carving. I'm nipping at the bud, for this release. Please, please give this trailer your undivided attention and chase it down with the accompanying aforementioned "pissed off dance" clip to get your motor going for Footloose (redux).

Now for the OG clip

CDS5K Prapaganda - 20XIa

Friday, August 12, 2011

Familiarity of Danger

I was scanning through fffound and saw this picture. It occurred to me that I may have been there once before. I think it's one of the Cinque Terre villages but I feel like a lot of the sea side towns look alike. But the undying reason as to why I saved the image is to point out how stupid this woman is! Why the fuck would you go in the water when you know THIS IS COMING!!! >

Cell Phone Pic - 081211AD

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Newish Blog...

So, it's a little silly that one of the last posts I have up here was a bit braggadocio saying how CDS5k is coming back in a big way!... That was in April. But this time I really really mean it, I've nailed down mobile posting from my iPhone and everything. My only excuse to this point is that there is a lot of "questionable" material that I have put up here over the years, and in an attempt to have my digital footprint be a little bit cleaner, I created a blog called "I Shark Hearts". So in closing, I am gonna continue to put new CDS5K stuff up, BUT come see the new one too, especially you guys and gals in the Netherlands that stumbled here, don't tell any of the other countries from my stat page, but I like you the best. JUST KIDDING other countries! ;) I love you all the same amount. You are all my children! Everyone of you, please send me some blood samples when you can. The CDS5K labs are currently very low. Also, you guys all look really hot in those pants... I mean, like real hot. Also, all of the CDS5K readers are totally good looking and intelligent...

Is that enough, are you back on board internet? Because you better be ready to suck the digital dick that is CDS5k on a daily! BAM!... Expect the next post in a couple of months. Loves ;)