Thursday, July 25, 2013

Thoughts on a Movie No. 23


That's right, muFuckin' Sharknado...

All jokes aside, this is a really good fucking movie, I mean REEEEAAAALY good. Like, scary good. Better than any other kind of art I've ever seen in my entire life. I think that would be it.

I guess this thing has caught pop culture's eye with all of the great art it shit all over the screen with itself. I heard people who had no business talking about sharks or tornadoes, let alone both of them together!? A newscaster said some shit about it when I was getting ready for work even. However, SyFy has been doing this shit for a while people... Why does SHARKNADO resonate with all of us? There was MEGASHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS... Then a year after that they consolidated to SHARKTOPUS. But I guess it's Sharks going crazy on people in a flood/twister/hurricane that we wanted to see the whole time. I'm as surprised and not surprised as they were in the movie when the Sharknado broke land... and cinematic history!

Where to start? Ian Zeiring or "Steve Sanders" from 90210, plays a former "world champion" surfer who owns a bar, on what appears to be the Santa Monica Pier and pals around with his best bro, some Australian dude. At first I thought these guys were lifeguards or something, but I think they just unconvincing shred waves and "bang beav" (each other). The scenes of Steve surfing are hilarious, it's shot from mid-torso up, and he's literally doing like the 1950's wobble back and forth thing like fucking Gidget! Then out of nowhere all these hyper-agro sharks show up and start ruining everyone's day, big time. Biting, Chopping and straight Gobbling down all the 90210 extras! I feel like they may have just purchased stock footage from 1998 and edited it in for the beach scenes... AND I know they used stock footage, because there was literally a shot of a flood in Japan. It's quick, but from the looks of the signage... It was nowhere near Santa Monica. WHICH IS WHERE ALL THESE SHARKS ARE NOW REMEMBER!!!

Everybody seems pretty chill the next day in Ian Zeiring's bar, considering they just saw the D-day equivalent of a shark beach storming! A drunk bar patorn (played by the dad from Home Alone) suggests that it's kind of unusual for these sharks to be so crazy. Zeiring's like, "Nah, no big whoop brah, storms just driving them in, stay outta the water for a couple of days, be fine." (No one ever listens to the drunk guy who is always right) Within just a couple of minutes the waves on the shore get crazy and CRASH, a Fucking Shark rides a wave right on through the window of the bar! Zeiring's "presumably badass" hot, bartender chick (who has a scar, clearly from a shark attack, that she never talks about) jumps over the pool table and spikes a cue right into the brain box of a Mako/Great White looking thing. I guess we presumed justifiably (sounds weird). 90210, Bar Babe, Aussie Friend and Drunk all decide to join up and head to higher ground. I should mention, there is no Sharknado happening quite yet, more like a "Sharknami" or shark flood if you can't visualize from that.

Ian Zeiring and his ragtag crew are rolling through SoCal trying to avoid sharks and floods. This is where the hilarious stock footage flood/disaster montage begins, the scenes they are trying to pass as LA are ridic... Oh and by the way, soundtrack for this movie sounds like a Pearl Jam* tribute band put it together, it's fucking terrible... The sharks are now just being complete assholes and attacking cars and people everywhere. The Drunk guy gets Kilt and they are all sad for like a second and the journey to Zeiring's bitch ex-wife's house so he can get his daughter and keep her safe from the shark floods continues! The situation gets even more devastating when we find that his ex-wife's new BF is living in the house that 4-time surfing world champion Ian Zeiring built! Oh, and his ex-wife is Tara Ried, who crushes acting as usual in this one. There are some great lines between Zeiring and new douche BF, until CRASH, a Fucking Shark rides a wave through the window of Zeiring's house and eats the fuck out of new douche BF. These sharks are so mean I'm beginning to think they are in leauge with the devil... Zeiring* may be as well. It's revealed that there is one more member of the Zeiring clan that needs saving, Zierings son, who is at flight school in Van Nuys... Classic! He was supposed to be in Tampa visiting friends.

The rest is for you to watch, I can't even get into it anymore. The Sharknado is finally birthed into a three headed monster. There are choppers, bombs, flying Great Whites and chainsaws. It's simply fucking epic. I'll leave you with some screen caps so that you get the rest of the picture... But, not too much!

I'm giving this movie... the first ever... 5.00 out of 5.00 deathmarx

Quote of the Movie:
 "They took my Grand Father, that's why I really heat sharks."
-Nova, the Bar Babe

*Pearl Jam: They played a show at Wrigley Field this past weekend. I fucking hate the Cubs, I hate PJ too. I decided this event could be called CargoCon next year. In honor of the exorbitant amount of Cargo Shorts that graced Wrigley that night (even more than usual). OR in the vein of Sharknado, maybe Cargopocalypse!

*Zeiring: I'm thinking that if Zeiring was in league with Satan, and had mind control over the sharks, it would have been a better way to do things.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

New (Old) Vans / (And a) TEST

Holy shit, this app is jankier than shit. This is an attempt once again to make blogging more convenient for me. But these mobile apps just don't seem to cut it. Oh well, more of just nothing from CDS5K for a while. Prolly sorry bro, because I'm out shredding AD/ED. Summertime in Chicago is a reason to step away from your jag box or crank station (it may seem like I'm making video game console refs, but I'm talking about my computer where I masturbate), and this is my excuse for never posting. Rest assured depression will kick back in and I'll be back behind the monitor come winter 2013-14. I'm thinking about titling this winter, "CHIWINT13/14: 'Sgonna be a Shit". 

Prepare to launch mobile test post...

¡Go fu uselves!