Only an Asshole, Wouldn't have These...

Or is it the otherway around? Did Ray Bay release an Uday Hussien tribute series!? He was the worst though...

Also, the only real reason I know anything about this demon is because of this movie, which you should watch!

Super Rad Sub-Zero!

Microwave of the Future!

Yep, you're looking at the microwave of tomorrow, innovation at it's peak... Also it says "FAGOR" on it, so... pretty cool. We might end up saying things like, "Hey Honey, why don't you just FAGOR me some of the Thai food we keep ordering our fat asses from GrubHub?" It cost this much monies £179 and it is only available in the land of... you guessed it, the Red Coats and the Tyrant King George III! ENGLAND! GREAT BRITAIN! THE UNITED KINGDOM! Jesus! How many names do you guys have over there. Anyway, I want this and will do almost anything for it...

Get the Red Coats (No Offense, Too Soon?)...

Revolutionary War as explained by nerdy ass 8-bit artist and t-shirt makers... It's like Donkey Kong idiots. Mario is the O.G. G-Dubs aka, G. W. aka, George "MuFuckin" Washington, aka Cherry Tree Choppin MuFucka... Donkey Kong is played by King George III, aka KG3, aka The Tyrant (they say). Finally the Princess Pauline is played by Lady Liberty. USA! USA! USA! The 4th of July is right around the corner shit-diglers... Buy it here for $23... American BUY >

Someone Wants to Kill Me!?

So, I was checking out some stats for CDS5K today and I stumbled upon this little nugget of a thing that happened. Someone got to my blog by way of googling "januska murder". Above you see a portion of my site views that came by way of keyword search. i.e. 3 people ended up here because they googled "nut shot" and my blog came up... and one person, apparently my future murderer, googled "januska murder". I think I know who you are future killer... the pre-cogs have revealed you!

I dunno, thought it was weird. I guess it's not that weird right?... It's weird.

Another iPhone Post Attempt, AKA: Worst Movie Review of All Time

Lets see how this goes. I really need to find a way to blog on my stupid blog as much as I can. Otherwise, what is the point. May as well just drink a little bit, pop on some porno, and remove yourself from this plain of existence. What else is there?... So much more my friends, so very much more. Like this movie "Special" I'm watching right now. Michael Rapaport is the main character who is selected for a drug study to help with his depression sourced through his mundane day to day... Geez, who can relate to that!?! It was new in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section of Netflix... I just wanna go on record and say I'm here mostly for the Sci-Fi (Fantasy Shit ((except for GameOT)) is for nerdy bitches).

ALSO!!! What is going on outside my house right now? It's super windy and things are hitting it. Please stop.

Side effect of the drug is that he can like levitate. And run thru walls. And hear people's thoughts. And teleport. And time travel. But only in his own mind. Or is it? Haven't gotten to the reveal yet. This post can also serve as the worst movie review of all time! "Special" is actually pretty entertaining so far tho (40 minutes in).

Kind of similar to that movie "Super" I was all obsessed with a while back, with Rainn Wilson. Why do you think Michael Rapaport talks the way he does. It's kinda like Long Islandy (I know nothing about NYC), and back in the day it was way "urban". He's definitely dialed it back. Was Michael Rapaport ever a rapper? I've always wondered that, but it might only be because of his last name and "urban" cadence. We'll never know...

Actually this movie was meh, I've just seen too much like it recently. I've seen so much better movies lately, like Looper! I'm sorry you had to be here for this one. Also, I have no idea how these photos will post to my blog. It's given me no options. I added text with InstaFont. There is no Photoshop app. There is, but it's just got a bunch of crappy filters. This whole post has been done on iPhone. I'm sure I will be displeased with how it looks... Here goes!

I'm Going to Blog Today...

I am. But, I have a couple things to do first.

Thanks.

Truely, truely, truely, outrageous,

M to the J and CDS5K

p.s. I think Bruce got a nose job before shooting Jaws (4): The Revenge.

This Week or So in Photos...

Duncan Trussel @ Zanies in Old Town. He liked my sweater and told Jefe that he had an amazing radio voice. Also closed the set with his demonically possessed puppet Lil' Hobo. Art in it's highest form is constantly unfolding before my eyes. I've also made the executive decision to cover my own horrible face in this photo, being on the lamb as I often am, occasionally I'll need to tweak my appearance to remain unknown.

A very special lollipop, procured for relaxation and/or recreation. I still haven't eaten it yet. But I'm told they are "pretty good", edibles are so wishy-washy when it comes to potency, you never no what you're gonna get with these things. Maybe I end up just feeling a little loosey goosey, maybe I end up crying in the bathroom over a repressed memory... Maybe even from another life, like the one I got stabbed to death in. I hope that's a trend I will be breaking btw... In my jumping off point from life cycle to life cycle. It's a real bummer way to go.

Finally getting around to making my home habitable again, I feel like I've been living like a god-damned homeless over here! The decks I've had for a while and since they are way too beautiful to mess up riding, combined with the fact I have more skate decks than one could ride for the rest of their lives, turned them into wall art! Most mornings I'll wake up on the floor around 3 pm look at the decks and become overwhelmingly emotional at the sight of Jaws, Warhol's Mao and the Rob Roskopp old school radness.

I thought long and hard about how much better my life would be if I got a Rolex. It would be. This is about 30 minutes from a crippling pot brownie extravaganza in which Wes Anderson movies were watched and $120 worth of Tapas were delivered.

Took a shot in the dark on some new paint for the kitchen, it did not pan out. The green itself is a really great color, not for a kitchen though. Wait, chairs like that aren't supposed to be in kitchens either... Just what the hell is going on here?... I will go back to my original color idea which is like a dark earthy mustard yellow. I can't wait to see what that color name is on the swatch. Whoever makes up the names of paint colors has got it made. The grey color I did in the living room is called "Anonymous".

Longman strikes again! Maine Lobster Parfait, Honey-Parsnip Puree, Smoked Bacon, Red Wine Sauce, Crispy Parsley

 And again! Some kind of crazy duck thing, duck trio, confit, meatloaf, pumpkin ravioli, all that shit...

Computer Death Screen 5000 / Bad Guy #1 - Action Cinemas! / 10.27.2012

Some Bonzai Trees are not coniferous or evergreen, this beautiful deciduous Bonzai example has begun to hear the soft whisper of fall on it's extremities (leaf dicks). I've decided to name this one Orgot, he is 699 years old and is constantly pissing his tiny tree trunks.

More decks up on the wall! 3 of the same Vision Mark Gonzales decks from '86. I caught Cobra's old man trying to throw these things away a while back and saved them from certain death. Phew! that was close. Now I can look and them and remember when me and Cobra were 6 years old and Big Cobra and his punk friends would make us lay down in the street an ollie over us. It was terrifying. He also used to take the needle out of the syringes for his insulin and through them at us. But, now I have his skateboards so... WORTH IT!

More home coming togetherness after the new hat got put on...

Color number 2 in the kitchen... That mustardy, yellowie goldish color I was talking about earlier... This is it. And that chair is back in the kitchen again. There is a solid chance that what I'm dealing with is a Windigo. I gotta put yet a 3rd coat on there. That green color I was covering was electric!!

Mmmmm, MmmmHmmmm. New Monster, it's white and delicious. I know you might think these things are bad for humans, but, for me it's a lesser of two evils scenario. I need to be jacked up at all times otherwise I would never get anything done. So, It's Monster or Meth for me, I think I'm making the right decision. Meth has got to be awesome though. Think about it, I would get so much done if I had some Meth, sprinkle in some Alpha Brain and Aderol (sp?)... And we'd be talking like limitless type shit!

Okay, that's about it for TWOSIP... This shit it boring son. NWOSIP will be much more exciting... Because I'm going to commit murder* and photograph it.

*I'm not going to commit murder.

No One Likes Blogging... All is Lost...

Clearly, no one 'round here likes to blog. Since I don't reckon I see anyone else occupyin' the room... I must be talking to you! (self...) Not to mention... We don't take too kindly to your types coming 'round these parts neither. Now go on, get the fuck on!.. Sorry about that. There have been a lot of fuck puddlers hanging around my living room.

Anyway, more big news about burgers by way of Japan, the BK Pumpkin and the Pumpkin Bomb!

Just Under a month after the Black Burger, BK Japan hits us with another bomb. These are available starting this Friday until November 11... If you happen to be in Japan and near a BK in that time of course. Both of these lil delicious looking burgies come with a beef patty, bacon, a special secret sauce containing: sesame seeds, peanuts, almonds, cashews, and hazelnuts. Finally, fried kabocha pumkin slices (10 slices if you got with the Bomb). Pretty cool, once again Japan you've caught us with our pants down and our dicks in a hornets nest. All this Pumpkin stuff though... I'm not sold that pumpkin has any kind of tastiness to it. Yet, every year around this time people are forcing us to eat pumpkins, when none of us want them. Keep your pumpkins on your porch and out of your mouths this Halloween! Also, to all you pump-humpers and jack-o-jackers out there, keep your dicks out of our pumpkins. Thanks!

Gentleman... Start Your Headbands!

I've recently been building a supply of jars around the house here, mostly contributed by the fact that I like to keep things fresh. Both in actual freshness and the way a rap singer might use it. I like rap music sometimes, but you should never really call it rap music. "Hip-Hop" I suppose would be the term you'd use when having an intelligent conversation about the genre. BUT! If you're trying to have an intelligent convo about Hip-Hop, you (I), should probably just stop. Who the fuck wants to hear anyone talk about rap music?... See, that's what I mean, I can't even do it right. Hip-Hop. Instaed I wanna talk about the hard hitting issue of jars and how they can make your life so much better by putting things inside of them, particularly food.

*ALL of these images are "found" material and not the property of CDS5K. ;)

This is Not Photoshopped...

Shitty Basketball Hoop Update...

This is why we don't have nice things Michael... You may remember a missing milk crate hoop from the last "This Week or So in Photos"...

5 Years in Japan!

We did it! It feels like only yesterday that I helped broker the deal to bring Burger King to the Land of the Rising Sun. I made a lot of money in the process too. It was a rainy night in the Roppongi District of Tokyo and I was drunkenly disoriented on my surplus of flame-broiled BK goodness I had smuggled into the country. A polite and sympathetic Japanese Burger Chef Satoru Mukogawa, helped me out of the streets and my own mess I had been festering in for the last 48 hours. Upon arriving to his Dojo Satoru-San asked what had been the origin of my current state... I weakly pulled the last BK burger from inside Pikachu, my albino tea-cup Pomeranian (aka my cheeseburger smuggling "mule"). Satoru-San, questioned at first, but I encouraged him to eat. His eyes turned black with joyous intoxication, no less black than the wings of Satan himself. He knew at that moment that Japan had been missing out on what may be the most important culinary success of the last 5000 years. We spent the next month perfecting the craft of the Burger King flame-boiled chemical meat patty, both knowing our lives would never be the same. That's how it all began, a serendipitous meeting between a cheeseburger junkie and a universally renowned burger chef... We were crushing it. If you were eating a cheeseburger in Japan in the late aughts of 2000, there's a 95% chance you were eating one of ours. We laughed our way to the bank on this one and there are no signs of slowing down. So to commemorate the fateful night in which we got completely black-eyed on cheeseburgers, we've collaborated once again to bring you the Kuro Burger (Black Burger) hitting your local Japanese Burger King late last night for a limited time only.

We've used fresh bread blackened by mixing bamboo charcoal into the dough. Then we took it another step further by adding our black flavored ketchup, which is a traditional ketchup blended with garlic and squid ink along with a special secret blend of spices. We've priced these things out at 790¥ (US $10) for the value meal and 450¥ (US $5.75) for the sandwich alone. Please do yourself a favor, fly your gaijin ass to Japan and eat one of our delicious Kuro Burgers!

This Week or So in Photos...

So in continuing to apologize for my lack of posting, what better way to catch you up, than a "This Week or So in Photos..." Post!? Also, this entire series has been brought to you by Instagram, official sponsor of CDS5K. Thanks a lot Instagram!! Immediately following this post though... I don't want you as a sponsor anymore... We had a good run.

I had to clear out my kitchen and living room before departure for CDS5K operation: MDS5K. I had that whole, ceiling collapse and destroyed roof to deal with, remember? It did make for a different, minimalist feel I've never had in my place. Open spaces... there is something to be said for you... and you Louie.

72 hours later... and I still haven't moved, eaten or spoken to anyone... My Roomba did most of my errands for me in this time... My beard is huge and I am in and out of consciousness. I can't for the life of me remember what I was watching, but it looks really... good.

Ahhh finally, this is what I was looking forward to... Welcome to the Venice Beach CDS5K headquarters...

Upon receiving specific instructions not to put anything on the table in the upper left-hand portion of the picture... We immediately placed our dicks on it. Sorry GB, but now you gotta think about that every time you sit to have your bangers and mash! Also, if you act in one more RomCom. I'm gonna throat-rip ya...

Every morning after clearing the place of prostitutes and other slags that glommed on to our fame, I walked around Venice trying to see if someone made the fatal mistake of leaving a door latch undone. Turns out no one does anything in LA before noon. It's a ghost town, exactly how I like it. I even did a night version, drunken 3 am boardwalk stroll, solo, looking for a bit of trouble... I was rolled up on by a pair of LA's finest telling me how dangerous it was at night and that I should "go the fuck home", in so many words... Yeah, yeah... I walked around for another hour and made my way back. I'll decide when it's time to go home, fascists.

Graf piece, right off the boardwalk... It was commissioned I'm sure. Part of some kind of "beautify Venice beach with art" project that seemed to be going on. This guys stuff was in a few spots scattered across town.

One should not concern themselves with how things get from point A to point B... but they get there. And nothing is placed in any orifices... just saying. This is what I call the "Pre-Float Assist".

These are the baddest sensory deprivation tanks ever and can be yours for about $35,000!

A guy by the name of "Crash" has been building these things for years out of Float Lab in Venice Beach. We had an... interesting conversation with him pre-float. He's out there man... I mean somewhere else. Also, surprisingly devastating capitalist morals. "Just run'em outta business, take over..." he whispered or screamed and laughed. Above is my portal...

And now I am entering...

Now that we've connected with the deep, dark recesses of our subconscious. Let's start getting drunk!
Surprise, surprise, this is an IPA I've decided to pour in my body, a delightful one, in 16oz. tall boys... and slick packaging. Good Job!

I've never made Carne Asada... I know, I know, what kind of an asshole must I be? But, I took a stab at it and it came out pretty good. No true gentleman can deny himself an occasional Dia de los Tacos. A couple nights later I had a full on meat rage at like 4 or 5 am... Woke up naked, had eaten all the left over meat. WereMikey LivEs! OOOoooOOOOooo!

This is strange. It reminded me of Stanley Kubrick kinda... When I was there, in the moment, it had a total 2001: Space Odyssey vibe. I was even listening to classical music... and also totally baked. You'll notice that as a theme for this "Business Trip". Also, don't try to look at my dick in the reflection dudes... don't do it.

Outside of the one in my house, this has to be the rape(y)ist bathroom I've ever been in. I almost raped myself actually at first.

Checked out the Venice Beach skate park... I woulda totally shredded, but I didn't have my shit with me, plus like, my back has been acting weird and stuff lately... and like I don't have health insurance and stuff... But, otherwise, I woulda totally shredded that shit. But yeah, as you would expect, it was fucking amateur hour out there.

Having a little breakfast sandwich here, with the most ridiculously branded energy drink maybe ever. Seriously, look at what they're doing. That my friends is art. It's communication through confusion or something. I only bought it and drank it because I assumed it would kill me.

Next time, instead of paying you, we will take that approach. Thanks for the tip assholes!... No, but seriously guys we loved your place. We went to the farmers market on Abbott Kinney... bought some gourds... dried and hollowed them... and screen printed vintage typography on them. We really hope you guys like them. Because we like them.

 The Smoking Gentleman's Travel Kit... Pretty banged up at this point... Runnin' Low.

GhOst ShArk kinda made an appearance... But, regret not taking advantage of how deserted Venice becomes at night... :(

Went to "Undefeeted" in Santa Monica and bought these little buddies. I really like them. There was a mint green pair I REALLY wanted, but they were out of my size... It was a crushing blow. Had about 10 minutes re-evaluating my life as I watched these little fucking French brats run around the store, literally wreaking havoc! One even almost knocked over a huge mirror. Meanwhile the mother half-heartedly said, "sit down"... and said some shit in French to them... As they continued to destroy, I think one of them even made fun of me! But then I snapped back into it and was like, "Okay, I'll take the yellow ones".

You literally cannot fake the funk on this nasty dunk! Somebody took the OG Venice Beach Gold's Gym and made it their fucking house! At least you know what you're doing! Again, Good Job!... Don't think for a second I was gonna let travel get in the way of fitness btw... We pumped, and we pumped hard... At the new Gold's Gym in Venice... Jefe had a breakdown about his lats looking weird...

It may be hard to see, but all those little orange spots you see are embers of the wildfire that was raging through the hills earlier that day. In the early afternoon, I looked over out the window and saw smoke pouring into the air and watched the flames rage fer a minute. Later, I may have made a major miscalculation about how hard and expensive it might be to get from Venice to Sherman Oaks to Studio City to Pasadena... back to Venice... All in a black, tinted-out Prius... Los Angeles you are a caricature of yourself, knock it off!...

 Okay, see you later, like in a couple months...

Looks like I'm back in Chicago here. "Linas Rutherford Weatherfink's" Tim Bierdron (I think) leg piece... Is there a band playing right now?...

NOFX... Fine. Riot Fest business at hand! Fat Mike went ahead and called a dude in a wheel chair lazy... I'm now wondering if he was a plug... because no shit, he was crowd surfing all retarded later! They literally put a dude in a wheel chair up it was great, contrived or not.

To Gogol Bordello, who I accidentally managed to see twice in the past month... That sounds bitchy right? I still like them though...

The Latin Kings are not impressed btw... Sorry for taking over Humboldt Park for a day or three, and making sure no one gets raped, robbed or murdered!


We kept talking about how nice all the basketball hoops were in L.A. compared to Chicago... Just more evidence of truth pictured...

That's it, I gotta go to sleep.