Amber Alert!!

Hello, I haven't established communication with "C-Note" since I left Madrid on 06/06/08 and am becoming a little concerned for his well being. Now, I know that CDS gets about 400,000 views per day (at this point), so if anyone out there has seen this fellow please tell him to call or e-mail "Papa Bear" (Me). Or hey, actually hombre if you, yourself actually see this post send me an electronic message or hop on Skype for a minute I haven't seen you on there since I have been home, I hope you didn't get mixed in with some kind of underground necrophiliac porn industry, because I can totally see you going for their pitch. Or maybe you sold your Mac so you can quench your insatiable thirst for vintage Care Bear dolls. Whatever the case let me know because these deals aren't gonna be around for ever.  

Total Recall

This is usually the first thing I think of anytime someone says something about Mars, not Red Planet or Mission to Mars, but Total Recall the best Mars movie of all time. Anywhozzle, NASA I guess accomplished something of note for the first time in a while to justify the asinine amount of government funds they devour. They found water, and the thing about water is that when it is present there is usually life to accompany it, even if it is as minimal as little tiny little stupid ass microbes, it's no four boobed women like we saw in Total Recall, but I suppose we can chalk this up as a significant discovery. What does this mean in the end? Unfortunately not a huge payoff here, following space exploration is about exciting as being in church or paying bills. Ultimately researchers plan to use this as a potential launch pad to answer to the question, "Was or Could Mars be capable of providing a habitable environment for different forms of life beyond microbes? First of all, are these dudes fuckin retarded, there is totally life on Mars, I don't even need to be all smart and sciencey to know that. I feel we can just assume there is at this point, actually scratch that. I'm gonna flip-flop here, I actually don't think I believe in space and the universe and all that anymore, it's all a bunch of B.S. created to make us all crazy in the hopes, they can later emit a mind-controlling "space" signal from Mars that makes us all kill each other. I haven't seen "The Happening" yet, so if this is what the movie is about, I am smarter than M. Night, but I have seen a movie called "The Signal" that's kind of like that... so I am a poser :( ... suck it!

The Cobra Organization

It recently occurred to me that there is an evil in the world that no one is doing a damn thing about. Sure there are the evils that FOX n' Friends cover, like: North Korea, Iran, Al-Qeada. But, there is an organization more deadly and secretive than any other on the planet, Cobra. The Cobra Organization has been around for almost 30 years, and next to that stupid bitch from VH-1 "New York", are the biggest threat to humanity right now. So, take off you pants light a cigarette and let's get to know some things about Cobra's members. 

No. 1 Cobra Commander

He is the leader and founder of the Cobra Oganization. His face is almost always covered because of a terrible tricycle accident as a child, in which a space cougar that was waiting in a nearby bush mauled his ass as he peddled by. He hates everything, but bruchetta and jalepeno poppers above all. Only The Baroness and Destro have seen his face (a lot like Tom Cruise in "Vanilla Sky").

No. 2 Serpentor

The Cobra Emperor, he was created through cloning research and the thing you do a 7-11 where you put one of each flavor in the same cup (suicide), Cobra Doctors used DNA from the most ruthless and effective military leaders in history, including Ceaser, Napoleon, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, Genghis Khan and Maury Pauvich. He also is addicted to Sudoku.

No. 3 Destro

A Scotsman who smells of Haggis, never wears a kilt, but always wears a shiny metal mask. He is a sneaky prick who keeps trying to take over Cobra. He got his start on the pole (Scores, NYC) and somehow ended up as an arms dealer. The only redeeming qualities are that he recycles, drives a Prius and his hideout has been approved "green" by the EPA. Oh! I almost forgot he was born without the ability to poop.

No. 4 The Baroness

She is the daughter of European aristocrats, and serves as Cobra's Director of Intelligence. The Irony there is that she is really quite dumb, I mean nothing goin' on up there. The Baroness is romantically involved with Destro but their relationship is often on the rocks, because she kind of acts like a slut when she drinks. Her other main duty is to act like the "house mom" for this fraternity of bad dudes.

No. 5 Zartan

The leader of the "Dreadnoks", as well as a master assassin, and total Phish-head. He is a master of disguise, able to be anyone anytime he wishes, he can also change the color of his skin to blend with his background. All that being said, he has been caught masturbating by just about everyone at the Cobra Command Center.

No. 6 Major Bludd

Major Sebastian Bludd is an Australian Mercenary with an extensive combat experience, and a perfect mustache... I mean absolute perfection, look at that thing, shoot! He considers himself a poet and does occasionally have bi-sexual tendencies. He hates kangaroos, crocs, foster's and the saying "G'day Mate!"  Sometimes he kills people as the leader of Cobra's infantry.

No. 7 Storm Shadow

He is your prototypical ninja, except, he wears white, when other ninjas obviously wear black so that they may move stealthily in the night. Needless to say, he is not a very good ninja, that's why he comes last on this list. Everyone hates him, he hates himself, huge drug problems, and a boatload of STDs.

The End of an Era

As I am sure many of you know by now, the world received the shocking news yesterday that Bennigan's was closing it's doors for the rest of time... good night sweet prince... good night. This news hits home for me just a bit more than the average person as I am a former employee of this iconic dining establishment. Before I was able to be a waiter I was a host, and not only was I fired from one Bennigan's but actually two. For the record, it wasn't for anything like putting my nut butter on the rim of some dickhead's iced tea, or preferring to smoke cigarettes in the back instead of waiting on my tables, I just wasn't motivated enough to be employed there anymore. If you've seen the movie "Waiting" (which is way more of a documentary than a comedy), you know how much you are truly hated by the person that is bringing you your food, I mean it didn't matter who you were, or what you tipped, if I had to wait on you, I fucking hated you. Don't be sad, if we met somewhere else and you weren't asking for extra honey mustard or extra lemon for your fucking cheap ass water, I might actually have liked you. But, before this snowballs into some ridiculous rant about my unadulterated hatred for humanity lets get back on track. Where did Bennigan's go wrong, why did they go under, going back to the honey mustard, I think it was the best I ever had, no shit. The food was okay, not incredible, but definitely no worse than any of the competitor's i.e. Applebee's, T.G.I.Friday's, Ruby Tuesday's, Max & Erma's. None of the food at Bennigan's or these other places is bad, so why did Bennigan's fail whilst the others prevail? RACISM, yup i'm going to chalk it up to the man trying to bring down the Irish, you all forgot about how the Irish are going to be affected by this travesty. 87% of Ireland's GDP is or was directly reliant upon the international Bennigan's chain. So what we are potentially seeing here is not only the fall of a corporation (Steak & Ale), but an entire nation. One shining beacon of hope that remains is that franchise or privately owned stores will remain open for the time being. What can you do? Take what ever cash you can spare and send it to us here at: CDS5000, P.O. BOX 666, LUBUMASHI, KATANGA, THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO 54470. We will make sure that your generous donations are sent directly to Ireland, to help begin the relief process of a nation in distress. Good Day.

Euro Futbol Training

Things on the Moon No.1

We may think that we know everything there is to know about the Moon. But there is a butt-load of stuff we don't know about it, for example we don't even know for sure where it comes from. Some people theorize it is a piece of the earth that broke off. There is even evidence that the moon once had active volcanoes, and we are not sure if it's still geologically active (the prevailing theory is that it is not). There are some more controversial mysteries too. Here are some hardcore facts & truths that the Government doesn't want you to know about: 1. Extraterrestrials have or once had bases on the moon. 2. The is a whole bunch of stuff on the moon that we didn't put there. In this series, we are going to briefly look into some of these visual anomalies that have been seen on the surface of the moon.

The Shard

Or "The Tower" image was first captured by a lunar orbiter III and named by Richard C. Hoagland. The photo was taken from a distance of 250 miles, and to scale would be enormous, like 7 miles high! The star-like shape above the tower is a camera resignation mark and is not part of the Shard's actual structure. The Shard has a shadow cast in the correct direction for it to be a real object on the Moon, and is aligned with the local vertical rather than the grain in the film, decreasing the chance it is an emulsion abnormality. Close-ups reveal a cellular-like internal structure.

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Poor resolution images like the one below, have led some to believe it is an ephemeral "outgassing" event. The Enterprise Mission Enhancements reveal no "spray" or splatter which would be consistent with this conclusion. The object appears to be solid, but badly damaged from meteors.

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The Consumer's Mantra

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Anti-Prison Poster

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Mustard

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Mustard, it's good, really good and unfortunately I feel that it takes a back seat in the world of condiments, I notice a lot of people sort of gloss over it when setting up their gear in the pre-gorge. It is officially listed as #3 in the states as most favored condiments. Ketchup is #1 and I was kinda surprised here but Salsa is #2. When the day comes and I have to chose between one or the other and not both, I go mustard every time, and quite frankly I am shocked that I am in the minority here. The origin of Mustard was always believed to have come from inside the rocks of Stonehendge, placed there by the Druids to appease their pagan gods. It is now known  that the Romans can probably be credited with the mustards we know today. When they weren't engaging in homo-eroticism or man-boy love, they would mix unfermented grape juice, with ground mustard seeds to make "burning must", mustum ardens, "must-ard". There are several common forms of mustard and potentially hundreds of special varieties. Plain Jane American Yellow Mustard is probably the most well known, good for standard BBQ's and Tokyo Drifting. Dijon Mustard originated in France, this variation gets its flavor from adding white wine and burgundy wine. Creole Mustard, is used for exfoliating your feet, curing STDs and warding of ghosts of Thai hookers you banged in 1986 (they just wander around thinking they're still alive, offering you sex. I actually had a dream that I had sex with a ghost like 2 days ago... that's probably the type of thing I should keep to myself, and for the record it was a girl ghost, not Patrick Swayze). Chinese Mustard is awesome, they usually give it to you with egg rolls or crab rangoon, it's really strong and clears the sinuses, so DRINK IT IN AMERICA! I am bored and feeling particularly uninspired at the moment that's probably why this is just stupid bullshit.

My Best Week Ever!

Hello, I thought I would mention that the best week of my life is about to occur. In collaboration with shark week and the Discovery Channel I have also obtained corporate sponsorship. Not bad, not bad at all, so don’t be surprised if you see some product nods in the articles to come. Anyway more than anything Shark Week is what is important here, so I thought I would give you a preview of some of this years specials

Sunday July 27th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Mythbusters
These two love birds will investigate some common shark myths and see if they can be debunked, here are a few of them:
1. Bull Sharks have the ability to swim in salt water, fresh water and Sutter Home White Zinfandel.

2. A Great White can eat more Nathan’s hot dogs than current champ Kobayashi.

3. Dogfish Shark, is the only species that doesn’t respond to anti-depressants such as Zoloft and remains terribly depressed and tiny.

Monday July 28th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Surviving Sharks
Les Stroud (Survivorman), will reveal some tips in surviving an attack. One way, for example is swimming very fast away from them. That’s right, just swim away. A recent study showed that sharks smoke more than anyone else on the planet including the Greeks and when the smoke they prefer Camel Lights. So they have slowed down quite a bit.

Monday July 28th 10:00 pm ET/PT 

Day of the Shark (Dia de los Tiburon)
Researchers search to find an explanation on why six shark attacks happened at six different times of the same day. My money says if the victims would have been using their Magellan GPS system, they could have found a safer place to swim!

Tuesday July 29th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Dirty Jobs: Greenland Shark Quest
Mike Rowe heads up to Greenland to check out some of the huge sharks that live in this frigid ass water. Thank God for his North Face Parka with Gore-Tex lining, or this dirty son-of-bitch would be a bit chilly up there.

Thursday, July 31, at 9 p.m. ET/PT

Mysteries of the Shark Coast
A team explores the tropical seas of Australia’s northeastern coast, where there are more species of sharks than anywhere else in the world to try to figure out why the sharks are disappearing. Hey brainiacs have you checked the local pub, they are all probably enjoying a nice, big, frosty, Fosters oil can and you should too motherfucker!

Sad Facts...

-More people are affected everyday by AIDS who actually have AIDS

-Inspiration usually makes you throw-up or just fall asleep if you ingest too much of it

-The person you sleep with is probably not as good as the person your pretending they are

-Chicken is good for you to eat, but not for sex, furthermore, you should not have sex with animals, because that is very fucked up

-Sleeping is more fun than being awake

-There is a God and he is richer than anyone you can think of

*there will be more "Sad Facts" to come in the future.

Jesse Jackson DID IT...He Actually DID IT!

Like me, I'm sure you heard about the "hot mic" incident none stop lately. The thing is, the crazy son of B, actually did it, he cut Obama's nuts off like an hour ago. A private meeting was arranged for the two of them to meet, It was held in Sedona, Arizona so that Jesse could use the Vortex to travel between Hell and Earth. O'bomb-ah (his Irish/Muslim name) was under the impression this was going to be an apology, in which Jesse Jackson would have to tenderly kiss his right butt cheek, whilst singing "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean. But, just as he was about to "apologize", he slowly pulled a switchblade out of his baby blue Panda skin cowboy boots and you probably can use your imagination from there. He grabbed the goods and jumped back into the Vortex to his lair in Hades. You know, I really feel for Obama here, Jesse Jackson has hundreds, potentially thousands of illegitimate children on this planet. Don't you think Obama would have liked to get that kind of work done, so hot right now and.... it's just a shame you know. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, Jesse Jackson is kind of an asshole, there was the whole "Himey Town" thing back in '84 where, if you are unaware, he insinuated that there's nothing but Jewish people in New York. What else is this guy doing or saying, we already know he carries a switchblade in his boots... his PANDA boots, aren't there only like 5 of those left. Oh yeah, and he lives in Hell I for one have a problem with people jumping from dimension to dimension cutting people's nuts off, doesn't sit well.