Jitter Juice Review

Red Bull Sugar Free -
Solid energy beverage, it was the original so that’s got to say something, it pretty much set the standard for how all of the other brands would look and taste. The taste can be described as otherworldly, so if you are an idiot, that means I can’t seem to relate to anything of this world. When I drink it I feel like an angel has just spit in my mouth, slapped me across the face and gave me a tittie twister.
Monster Lo Carb -
This was probably the second major energy bev, to go all out on the marketing, and the sweet thing is that it was half the price and double the size, not the case anymore. This sugar free version has a sort of weird cotton candy taste and an oaky finish. When I drink it, I feel like a beast is growing inside of me and I want to eat a person.
Amp Sugar Free -
Extreme drink specialists, Mountain Dew produced this energy drink for people who love being totally extreme in everything they fucking dew! The taste of this drink is pretty sour and a bit tinny, vaguely reminiscent of Mountain Dew, kind of a blood or irony finish. When I drink it I’m urged to kidnap someone and do the whole ransom thing, or maybe just an armed robbery or something.
Rockstar Zero Carb -
This m f’er has 50% more caffeine than the original Rockstar, so you can expect you pee to be 50% more weird smelling. This stuff like the Amp is pretty sour but has a blueberry flavor to it that’s actually pretty good. When I drink this stuff, I definitely don’t feel like a rockstar, I don’t want to party like a rockstar, basically nothing involving a rockstar comes to mind. Fuck rockstars, and their stupid fuckin’ pants!

UpShot -

This is one of those little 2.5oz. things you see at the counter of a 7-11 or something. This shit sucks, imagine emptying the contents of an ashtray and some Nyquil to a blender and this is what you would get. It says “pomegranate” on the little bottle, there is no hint of this fruit at all. When I drink it, I feel no energy, only the smell of death and the plague, avoid pouring this stuff into your mouth.