My Best Week Ever!

Hello, I thought I would mention that the best week of my life is about to occur. In collaboration with shark week and the Discovery Channel I have also obtained corporate sponsorship. Not bad, not bad at all, so don’t be surprised if you see some product nods in the articles to come. Anyway more than anything Shark Week is what is important here, so I thought I would give you a preview of some of this years specials

Sunday July 27th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Mythbusters
These two love birds will investigate some common shark myths and see if they can be debunked, here are a few of them:
1. Bull Sharks have the ability to swim in salt water, fresh water and Sutter Home White Zinfandel.

2. A Great White can eat more Nathan’s hot dogs than current champ Kobayashi.

3. Dogfish Shark, is the only species that doesn’t respond to anti-depressants such as Zoloft and remains terribly depressed and tiny.

Monday July 28th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Surviving Sharks
Les Stroud (Survivorman), will reveal some tips in surviving an attack. One way, for example is swimming very fast away from them. That’s right, just swim away. A recent study showed that sharks smoke more than anyone else on the planet including the Greeks and when the smoke they prefer Camel Lights. So they have slowed down quite a bit.

Monday July 28th 10:00 pm ET/PT 

Day of the Shark (Dia de los Tiburon)
Researchers search to find an explanation on why six shark attacks happened at six different times of the same day. My money says if the victims would have been using their Magellan GPS system, they could have found a safer place to swim!

Tuesday July 29th 9:00 pm ET/PT

Dirty Jobs: Greenland Shark Quest
Mike Rowe heads up to Greenland to check out some of the huge sharks that live in this frigid ass water. Thank God for his North Face Parka with Gore-Tex lining, or this dirty son-of-bitch would be a bit chilly up there.

Thursday, July 31, at 9 p.m. ET/PT

Mysteries of the Shark Coast
A team explores the tropical seas of Australia’s northeastern coast, where there are more species of sharks than anywhere else in the world to try to figure out why the sharks are disappearing. Hey brainiacs have you checked the local pub, they are all probably enjoying a nice, big, frosty, Fosters oil can and you should too motherfucker!

Sad Facts...

-More people are affected everyday by AIDS who actually have AIDS

-Inspiration usually makes you throw-up or just fall asleep if you ingest too much of it

-The person you sleep with is probably not as good as the person your pretending they are

-Chicken is good for you to eat, but not for sex, furthermore, you should not have sex with animals, because that is very fucked up

-Sleeping is more fun than being awake

-There is a God and he is richer than anyone you can think of

*there will be more "Sad Facts" to come in the future.

Jesse Jackson DID IT...He Actually DID IT!

Like me, I'm sure you heard about the "hot mic" incident none stop lately. The thing is, the crazy son of B, actually did it, he cut Obama's nuts off like an hour ago. A private meeting was arranged for the two of them to meet, It was held in Sedona, Arizona so that Jesse could use the Vortex to travel between Hell and Earth. O'bomb-ah (his Irish/Muslim name) was under the impression this was going to be an apology, in which Jesse Jackson would have to tenderly kiss his right butt cheek, whilst singing "Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean. But, just as he was about to "apologize", he slowly pulled a switchblade out of his baby blue Panda skin cowboy boots and you probably can use your imagination from there. He grabbed the goods and jumped back into the Vortex to his lair in Hades. You know, I really feel for Obama here, Jesse Jackson has hundreds, potentially thousands of illegitimate children on this planet. Don't you think Obama would have liked to get that kind of work done, so hot right now and.... it's just a shame you know. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, Jesse Jackson is kind of an asshole, there was the whole "Himey Town" thing back in '84 where, if you are unaware, he insinuated that there's nothing but Jewish people in New York. What else is this guy doing or saying, we already know he carries a switchblade in his boots... his PANDA boots, aren't there only like 5 of those left. Oh yeah, and he lives in Hell I for one have a problem with people jumping from dimension to dimension cutting people's nuts off, doesn't sit well. 

Kim Jong "ILL COMMUNICATION"

Like Ma Bell, G-Dub's got the Ill Communication, That's right, Ma Bell he's got the Ill Communication. Kim Jong-Il, a.k.a KJI, a.k.a. MC Gold Goggles, a.k.a. "The Sun of The Nation", had some communication with George Bush, that didn't involve the North Korean Dictator telling G-Dub's to go fuck himself. KJI has probably been my favorite dictator every since his role in the film Team America, I simply fell in love with the misunderstood little guy and it was all over. Hit the road Stalin, sorry Mao it's time to go now, Saddam we had a good run but I think we should see other people and Hitler, what can I say man, you're fuckin' crazy, but you KJI, we just make sense together, you know? Basically, W was like "listen buddy if ya just tell us what yuv got and where it is....the whole, "Axis of Evil" thing, water under the bridge brosef." KJI was like, "Ok, ok, you cocksucker, just stop breakin' my balls already, Jesus fuckin' Christ!" Ultimately, it means nothing, whatever you've heard about this being an important step or whatever, you can take that shit and wipe your ass with that shit because that my friend is a bunch of shit! But I thought it was a good opportunity to learn a few things about KJI. Behind those big golden specs, and that form fitting earth-toned jumpsuit, there is a man. For example, sometimes he travels through Russia in an special armored train (because he is afraid to fly). While on that train he has live lobsters airlifted there and eats them with silver chop sticks (Chinese believe they would detect poison). He wasn't exactly blessed with the best "genes that make you look good or not", he's short, about 5'3", and fat and his clothes suck. So right there you've major paranoia and body image issues. He's also (it is said) TOTALLY into Hollywood cinema, on wiki, it said some of his favorite movies include: slasher films like Friday the 13th, Rambo, James Bond, Godzilla and any movie with Elizabeth Taylor. To be honest I am down with all that except that Elizabeth Taylor business that shit is weak. Other thinks like hunting, drinking with buddies, horseback riding and Redlining his whips on the empty, suppressed streets of North Korea. So yeah that's basically what's happening with Kim Jong-Il right now.

Get a Panic Room Installed

It's probably a good idea, think about it for a moment ........................................................................ see. Granted it is going to run you at least $60K for a decent rig. The more I consider this, I don't really care about what the walls are made out of and junk, it's what's inside that I am concerned about. If I'm going to be hunkered down avoiding a good ol' kidnapping / rape / murder, or all three, I'm gonna need something to keep myself busy in the panic room. So here is the list of things that are essential to a panic room in no particular order: (1) a TV, flat because of limited space (2) laptop, with internet hook-up (3) a bed (4) basic foods (5) phone (6) giant chewy nerds, because they are really good! (7) guns (8) alcohol, beer & booze (9) some meth (10) 16 bananas (11) some G.I. Joes guys (12) a book with a favorable picture to word ratio (13) 9v battery (12) a rain coat (13) your I-PASS (14) ambien. All that stuff is pretty much obvious I guess, you know what you need, right asshole? LOOK AT ME, get serious this is your fucking panic room. Now think about why you might be in this pickle (kidnapping, rape, murder threat). Maybe your a dick, or maybe your Jody Foster, Forest Whitaker or a cornrowwed Jared Leto. Don't even get me started on Jared Leto..... Because he's awesome! If the room fails and we are looking at a worst case scenario, try to get Leto instead of Whitaker for the raping part because Forest Whitaker has that weird eye thing.

North American Freaks!

Not sure if a lot of people know about this guy, but I remember reading about him at a really young age and being terrified. There was a book in old St. Joe's library, that talked all about folk monster's of North America. Things like Mothman, Bigfoot, the D.C. Black Cat, but when I got to the section about Goatman there was a Derek Hess (f'ing badass artist) type illustration of this half-man / half-goat satyr holding an axe on the side of a country road. Anyway this image was seared into my mind and was the inspiration for many nightmares when I was just a little bastard. The most famous sighting story of this little munchkin goes something like this: A couple was parked alone on a country road, they were having a moon lit shag session, when suddenly there was banging on the hood of the car. They saw what appeared to be a goat-like creature pounding it fist's and holding a double edged axe. The goatman then dashed back into the forest, without harming the sinners. In another reported sighting, A women saw a large shadowy creature near the tree line of her yard and the dog was going ape-shit. She was too afraid to go out to see what it was but the next morning she found her dog decapitated. Some of the origins that the intelligent and reasonable people from Prince George's County Maryland believe could be: That he escaped from Glendale hospital (a tuberculosis sanatorium), many years ago and has been living in the wild, or he is the product of a genetic experiment gone wrong at the nearby Beltsville Agricultural Research Center. Some of the assholes even believe that he is an ansestor of "Pan" from greek mythology, so yeah that's actually what he/she probably is.

Super Celebrate Me

I'm only gonna drink champagne from now on, I mean no water, no nothing, just champagne. It could be like "Super-size Me", or "Super High Me", where comedian Doug Benson (recognizable from "I Love the 80's") smokes weed all day everyday for 30 days, it's hilarious and worth a watch. So yeah, maybe I'll use that format for my experiment. One problem is that I guess it could be a bit expensive, so I'll probably have to stick with the cheap stuff. Then again, look at gas prices, I drink that shit all the time, maybe if I cut that out of my morning routine I'll be able to afford something a little better. Maybe that's why my stomach is so F'ed all the time. I don't even know ho I started doing it or when, but know that I think about it, I drink a ton of gasoline. What's that all about? Why have I been doing that? I should probably stop. Anyway, I had some Champagne on Saturday night, and it just taste's so good, I want to drink it all the time. Plus there's always a celebration associated with it, like let's say you come over and I'm in the bathtub, it may look like I'm just drunk alternating between laughing and crying. Look a little closer...yup! that's an empty bottle of champagne in the toilet. So I'm not having a alcohol induced emotional breakdown, I'm celebrating. You know what I mean? So if my calculations are correct, drinking nothing but champagne = constant celebration, and life should be celebrated.

Disposing Of A Human Corpse*

Hey Gang! It's been a rough week and I can't really talk too much about my personal experiences with this, but I can tell you how I did it...I mean how to do it, if you needed to like for a joke or something. Some of the things you are going to need: A gas mask, bath tub, saw, rubber gloves, Hydrofluoric Acid, a large tub made of one of the following, Teflon, chlorosulfonated polyethylene, natural rubber or neoprene. So you've got a body on your hands and you've probably seen better days. Just relax, take a deep breath grab a Sierra Mist Free, take a long draw from that sweet beverage and smile, and reflect upon the fact that your not that dead ass bitch in the bathtub :) Anywho, pop on your rubber gloves, grab the saw and get to work. I would probably start at the elbow, It would be helpful to have some bolt cutters too for some of the smaller bones. Basically just start working the saw into the flesh and just pretend it's a log...that bleeds and has bones. From the elbow move to the shoulder, then the ankle, knee and hip. At this point your looking at a limbless body, good work, now I know it might be tempting to have sex with it at this point, but let's try to stay on task huh? Now cut of the head, and the remaining torso should be able to fit in the Polyethylene tub. It is important to use exactly one of the types of tubs I mentioned above because the Hydrofluoric Acid will dissolve just about anything else including the ceramic of you bathtub. The fumes from the Acid are going to be really strong so don't forget to wear your gas mask. It's going to be a lot of work but consider the alternatives, you're kind of fucked, so now is not the time to be a lazy bitch. The pieces are going to be reduced to a brownish sludge. Your still gonna need to dispose of this shit, fortunately for me I have a sewer manhole in my front lawn, this is one option. I don't know dump it in a river or something, the hard part is over, I can't do everything for you.

*I have never killed anyone and cut their body up in my bathtub, but if I did I would kill them with kindness or mind bullets, and I probably wouldn't dissolve the body in acid. I would probably preserve it and then reanimate it with a system of ropes and pulleys, and I would name it Lieutenant Slippery Legs. Good Day.

Gods of the World (No. 5)

Kali (a.k.a. Kalika, Krazy Arm's McDougan)

Hello, today I will tell you a little bit about this hindu goddess who is a seriously bad ass bitch you definitely do not want to screw with. The best way to describe some of the things she is involved with are: kind of deathy and sort of destructiony. Officially her title is not "The Goddess of Death", but rather of Time and Change. She is often depicted as wearing a necklace of heads, standing on the body of Shiva, holding a blood soaked knife and holding some sorry son of a bitches freshly decapitated head, dripping his blood into a bowl. Some of her weaknesses include: Popcorn Chicken from KFC, Hypnotiq, Getting Dusted, Law and Order: SVU and Bulimia. Kali is most famous for killing equally bad ass demon "Raktabija". The story goes something like this: Durga and her assistants were fighting Raktabija, stabbing him, cutting him and so on. The problem is this worsened the situation because every drop of blood that spilt from Raktabija turned into a clone of himself creating and army of demons. Durga was overwhelmed and evoked the spirit of Kali, she arrived ready to crack skulls armed with a sword, noose and a skull topped staff. She slaughtered the demon army by sucking the all of the blood from Raktabija devouring his army of clones. She danced on the corpses of the fallen demons to celebrate a little bit, she popped in her Bel Biv DeVoe cassette and peeled off in her 1987 Buick Grand National. This is my interpretion of what happened any way, she probably stopped at a pub for a few pints to get the taste of blood out of her mouth.

McAwesomeness...

I was trying to think of things that were awesome in general, and McDonald's "McRib" sandwich popped into the old noddle. Love it or hate it you probably love it because it is so good and good for you. The only thing I always wonder about is why the F they don't just make thins a regular menu item so that we can enjoy it all year round. After doing some research on this tasty little motherfucker, it seems like there is no real schedule or time of year that McDonald's designates for the production of the McRib. Furthermore, it seems as though McDonald's has been trying to phase out the McRib all together, that is not a very good idea. Everyone loves the McRib, White people, Black people, Jews, Gays, Vegetarians and even Native Americans. It is the food that brings the world together and it would be a pretty sticky situation if we were to take this away from everyone. The McRib is healthy too, at 455 calories, 21.9 grams of fat and 43% of it calories coming from fat you can afford to have more than just one. Things are very unclear as to what the future holds for the McRib but, we can only hope that it will continue to be around for a long time making us all very happy. Good Day.