The Cobra Organization

It recently occurred to me that there is an evil in the world that no one is doing a damn thing about. Sure there are the evils that FOX n' Friends cover, like: North Korea, Iran, Al-Qeada. But, there is an organization more deadly and secretive than any other on the planet, Cobra. The Cobra Organization has been around for almost 30 years, and next to that stupid bitch from VH-1 "New York", are the biggest threat to humanity right now. So, take off you pants light a cigarette and let's get to know some things about Cobra's members. 

No. 1 Cobra Commander

He is the leader and founder of the Cobra Oganization. His face is almost always covered because of a terrible tricycle accident as a child, in which a space cougar that was waiting in a nearby bush mauled his ass as he peddled by. He hates everything, but bruchetta and jalepeno poppers above all. Only The Baroness and Destro have seen his face (a lot like Tom Cruise in "Vanilla Sky").

No. 2 Serpentor

The Cobra Emperor, he was created through cloning research and the thing you do a 7-11 where you put one of each flavor in the same cup (suicide), Cobra Doctors used DNA from the most ruthless and effective military leaders in history, including Ceaser, Napoleon, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, Genghis Khan and Maury Pauvich. He also is addicted to Sudoku.

No. 3 Destro

A Scotsman who smells of Haggis, never wears a kilt, but always wears a shiny metal mask. He is a sneaky prick who keeps trying to take over Cobra. He got his start on the pole (Scores, NYC) and somehow ended up as an arms dealer. The only redeeming qualities are that he recycles, drives a Prius and his hideout has been approved "green" by the EPA. Oh! I almost forgot he was born without the ability to poop.

No. 4 The Baroness

She is the daughter of European aristocrats, and serves as Cobra's Director of Intelligence. The Irony there is that she is really quite dumb, I mean nothing goin' on up there. The Baroness is romantically involved with Destro but their relationship is often on the rocks, because she kind of acts like a slut when she drinks. Her other main duty is to act like the "house mom" for this fraternity of bad dudes.

No. 5 Zartan

The leader of the "Dreadnoks", as well as a master assassin, and total Phish-head. He is a master of disguise, able to be anyone anytime he wishes, he can also change the color of his skin to blend with his background. All that being said, he has been caught masturbating by just about everyone at the Cobra Command Center.

No. 6 Major Bludd

Major Sebastian Bludd is an Australian Mercenary with an extensive combat experience, and a perfect mustache... I mean absolute perfection, look at that thing, shoot! He considers himself a poet and does occasionally have bi-sexual tendencies. He hates kangaroos, crocs, foster's and the saying "G'day Mate!"  Sometimes he kills people as the leader of Cobra's infantry.

No. 7 Storm Shadow

He is your prototypical ninja, except, he wears white, when other ninjas obviously wear black so that they may move stealthily in the night. Needless to say, he is not a very good ninja, that's why he comes last on this list. Everyone hates him, he hates himself, huge drug problems, and a boatload of STDs.