Thoughts on a Movie No.15

I did it, I waited until 12:01 a.m. Friday morning to see the first screening of Piranha 3D, this movie has been on my radar for a loooong time. It was by no means a "perfect" movie (like The Expendables), but it was so fucking entertaining, it might be close (in my mind). This contains spoilers, so don't read if you care about that.

The film opens on Matt Hooper (Richard Dryfuss playing the same character he did in Jaws) fishing in a secluded area of a lake, the song playing on the radio is the one that Brody, Quint and Hooper were drunkenly singing below deck in Jaws. Right off the bat you pay homage to my favorite movie of all time, I'm on the cusp of sexual arousal... There is a seismic event below the surface and it creates a crazy whirlpool topside that Hooper is now caught in. As he is being sucked in, thousands of terrifying prehistoric piranhas are rushing upward towards a fresh meal. Yadda yadda, Hooper struggles to get the outboard motor started, falls in and is devoured in a truly gruesome manner. Boom, "Piranha 3D" bursts onto the screen, and I'm as happy as I can remember being for at least a decade. The setting is Lake Havasu during spring break with an an overwhelming amount of techno music, tits, ass, juiced pecs and crooked visors. Elisabeth Shue plays Julie Forester, the no shit taking town sheriff, single mother of two adorable Aryan children and one mildly angsty 19 year old with a heart of gold. After discovering Hooper's mangled body in some brush she knows something is terribly wrong. A team from the USGS (US Geological Survey) has been dispatched to investigate the seismic event that's taken place here. Sheriff Forester takes them out to the epicenter where they send a team of divers to check out the new underwater caverns that have opened. All of the divers, save one, Novak (played by Adam Scott) are murdered to fuck by theses lil' monsters. Right away, they head to the party cove where all the co-eds are, to evacuate the water. Obviously, no one takes them seriously, until all hell breaks loose and leaves the cove devastated in what might be one of the bloodiest scenes in movie history. Forester (Shue) receives a distress call from her son who was supposed to have been baby-sitting the Aryans, but instead took them along to guide a charter boat in the pursuit of an old high school flame. Now they find themselves stuck in a dangerous rocky cove slowly sinking into certain horrible death. That's enough story, you get the picture. The action in Piranha 3D is a fast, gore driven, ridiculous blood orgy that at times hard to watch.

I did have a couple of minor problems with the experience that really put me into a nerd rage. No. 1: This was a 3D movie, the first trailer was for another 3D movie and rightfully it was in 3D. There were 3 more trailers, all for other 3D movies that were not in 3D even though every aspect of the trailer was begging to been seen as such. No. 2: I'd say this is a spoiler but since it's in the fucking trailer I guess I don't have to. If you are familiar with the trailer you'd know that there is a scene where Novak say's something like "Wait, if those are the babies, then where are their parents?" right after that a huge piranha takes his ass out... This was the last scene of the fucking movie... You can't do that! you can't roll credits right after something happens that happened at the end of the trailer. I don't know, that made me a little angry but not angry enough to ruin my experience, because it was super fun!

Giving it a 3.75 out of 5

Quote of the Movie:
"WeeeEEeet (blood-gargle) t-ShiiirRts... (blood cough) WEEEeeeet TeeeeEe Shiiiii (blood gargle, then death)"
-Jerry O'Connell as Derrick Jones, (basically Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild) mutters this line as nothing more than a bloody torso