Morning Shower Beverages No. 6

Mango Guava Xyience Xenergy, I actually like this shit a lot, you can't find it everywhere though because Xyienxce, went bankrupted in the suppliment game. So it's pretty much what hasn't expiered and still on the shelves at this point, I wish I could buy a crate of this stuff, I love it, so much you ain't even getting any eye contact in this picture.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 5

Okay... This is getting a little old to me... But here's what I drank in the shower, whilst getting ready for work today. It's called "Nexcite", and I think it's like an energy beverage, from Sweden, but without Taurine and all the shit in my usual energy bevs like Rockstar, Red Bull or Monster that will make your heart explode.

FUCK YEAH SHARKS!

If you like Sharks as much as I do, this is good for wasting 5-10 minutes!

FYS - FUCK YEAH SHARKS

Fuckin Pigs Man!

So, last week (er 2 weeks ago) we were getting poisoned by crazy nurses, now pigs. Like I always say, "Pigs might be funny and delicious, but they're also dickheads." As I'm sure you know by now there is something going on in the Southwestern U.S. and parts of Mexico. I haven't seen to much news on it, but i did see a thing the WHO upgraded the thing to level 4 or something so, I don't know. Stay away from children would be my advice, if these little bugger's are unavoidable for you, get one of those SARS masks that were cool in China a while back. Actually, I always thought like you need the bug to make the meds, I mean I'm no doctor but. That being said head on down to Mex City and start smoochin' everyone you can!

I'm losing focus here a little, I think what has happened here is that Mexico was working on some Bio-Weapons and tested it in a "Control" Study. You're probably wondering why Mexico is working on weapons at all right now, THE RECONQUISTA!! I wrote about this some time ago, but it's basically Mexico's plan to retake the Southwest. But, I live in Chicago, we found this shit fair and square! You see no one was here when we set-up shop in the mid-west. The name "Chicago", if my research proves correct was a word made up to meaning "Take a Chance on Dance". In all seriousness, this shit does freak me out though, so I'm quarentining myself till this blows over, see you in a couple of months.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 4

I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog to "Computer Death Shower 5000", because it just seems to make more sense right now. This morning I enjoyed a Rockstar Roasted Coffee & Energy, during shower time. As I was chugging it down I thought I might be an interesting photo series to dress my privates up as famous historical figures. So, if I can convince my make up artist to do it, the readers of CDS5000 may get to see my penis dressed up as Alexander the Great this week, or maybe one of the dudes from The Sugar Hill Gang, or maybe just Heathcliff the cat, we'll see. Don't judge me, and don't pretend you don't act out plays in the shower with you dingies. I will be attending therapy for the first time ever pretty soon so.... It's gonna be okay... We're all gonna be alright.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 3

It's Friday, the weather is awesome, this morning was awesome, I drank a Propel in the shower, it was awesome, strawberry-kiwi I believe. Tomorrow I'm gonna go beat up my mountain bike, and some ninja wizards. I'm enjoying the "Morning Shower Beverages", hopefully I can keep it going... It's soooooo hard though, you have no idea. Anyway, Fuck You guys, I'm outta here.

Quick Dream Recap No. 4

I remember almost nothing from last nights dream except for the fact that I was dating Sarah Silverman. She was kind of a bitch though, in the dream, she reads my blog pretty often so I don't want her to think CDS5000 thinks she's actually a bitch, she might be though. Most of it was set in some kind of festival setting. In a seperated part of the dream, a demon was bouncing around from person to person, it jumped into a dog, like a little shit terrier of somekind, and it started biting the shit out of my hands, they got all scarred up and bloody it was pretty Gnar.

Quick Thoughts... on some stuff

Opposite Marriage... She should of thrown in "on opposite day", to keep all parties confused and indifferent.

That woman from American Idol (British Version) looks like a character from Faulty Towers (If you get that reference you're cooler than you can possibly imagine... The foundation of British comedy is to have a man dress up as a women).

I watched Mitchell Hurwitz's "Sit Down and Shut Up", and couldn't get into it, aside from a great voice over cast, nothing can live up to the brilliance that was Arrested Development.

Parks and Recreation (the show) is cool only because of Aziz, other than that it's a different office, up to the same shennanigan's.

Bo Jackson opened up his own bank in Burr Ridge, This is where Skynet begins motherfucker's, that dude is half Terminator, and I don't trust dudes like that, I just don't.

If your trying to get some chicas to come with you to a second location don't say this: "Come on, it's not like I'm gonna kill you... on purpose", 9 times out of 10 they won't think it is a funny as you do.

I thought a shadow person was looking over me in my bed last night, but it was the reflection of the candle light behind a bottle of water, terrifying nightmares ensued.

That's it, fer now.

Marijuana: An Evil bitch of a Mutha, The Movie

I'm sorry, it's not a movie, I just feel the need to be more grandiose in the title of these gay ass blog-sickles. Not to say I wouldn't see this film if it were real... put a Kurt Rambis looking main character in there, and say like a cool, good actress like Catherine Keener and you've got yourself a winner. I don't know though, we probably need some kinda trippy dream sequence where Kurt's character is fighting a bunch of criminal's in his old house he was born in.... but it's not really the house and he's kind of in the air above it... and the criminals are actually random people he went to high school with... but they are made of chocalate... and even though his fists don't work and he can't scream, he can just eat them. Yeah, now we're talking! That being said, I was sitting around last night watching TV and kinda wishing I had some pot. But, ultimately I'm glad I didn't because as much as I think I'd like some, I remind myself why I stopped to begin with, It makes me super paranoid. Not paranoid like I think people are coming to get me, but I get in my own head about random crazy bullshit. Like maybe something I said in a conversation like a week ago, I'll be like, "Should I call them and apologize"? Then I'll be like, "No, that would be wierd". Then I'll be like, "Fuck! I hope no one calls me right now, because they'd think I was wierd". Then the phone would ring and I'll be like, "Fuck! This IS wierd". Then the phone goes to voicemail and I'm like, "Fuck, it's weird that I didn't answer". Then I'l be like, "I'm just gonna eat these Cheetos and go to sleep." So in closing, I decided it was good that I didn't have any pot last night. bye!

OTIS Elevator Trick

I was listening to a radio show this morning and Patton Oswald shared a cool trick with the listeners. Apparently if you hit the door close button and the floor number you want at the same time it will go directly to that floor skipping all floors selected in the elevator and the suckers on the floors between waiting to get on. I looked into this on the internet and it there's a lot of stuff about it, so remember, it has to be an OTIS elevator. There is one downside, it's a really big risk for minimal reward, the risk being that if done improperly it brings you to the top floor and then free falls to you imminent death. Is it worth it to take the chance... I say yes, every time.