Man exposes himself outside business trash bin

On a rare occasion, I hunkered down and took a moment out of my day to read (more like scan) the Chicago Suburban Periodical known as the Downers Grove Reporter. There wasn’t much worth repeating in the paper except for one gem I found about a man exposing himself next to a trash bin behind a carpet store. This is that article, please enjoy:

Downers Grove, IL —
A delivery driver falsely sent to Olsen Rugs, 1630 75th St., Saturday was approached by a man pleasuring himself beside a trash bin, according to Downers Grove police. At about 8:15 p.m. Saturday, the driver was sent to the store when a man called and gave her the wrong address, according to reports. Police said the caller said he was part of a cleaning crew at Olsen Rugs and his name was Larry. The driver went to make the delivery, but the store appeared to be closed. She waited for 20 minutes and checked both entrances to the store, according to reports. Police said she left to make other deliveries, and the person called back again and asked the delivery driver to come back to Olsen Rugs, saying the back door would be open. The delivery driver went back to store to make the delivery and pulled in the rear and got out of her truck, according to reports. She was out of the car for about five minutes when she saw a man walk from behind the trash bin located in the back of the store, according to police. Police said he was wearing only white socks and a shirt pulled over his head. Police said he was pleasuring himself and told the victim “Hey baby. Bring me food.” As the man began to walk toward her, she got back in her vehicle and left, according to reports. Officers went out to look for the man but did not find anyone at the store. Police are checking for cameras in businesses that may have recorded the suspect around the building.

I really enjoy the fact that they included a quote from the flasher/masturbater, "Hey baby. Bring me some food."... Classic Downers Grove... Classic!... according to reports.

Greeting Card No.2

If you know me, you know how romantic I am, sometimes the most romantic thing you can do for someone is to give them a heart felt greeting card. A while back I posted a Valentines Day card. Here is another little guy I threw together.

Outside

Inside

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10f

My beverage station...

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-04/10e

I'm broadcasting (that's not the right term) my posts from the Bellagio in Las Vegas, NV U.S.A. I'll probably post a decent amount of shit over the next couple of days because there is nothing o do around here. It is really fucking windy though which is pretty bogus.

Computer Death App No.1

Or in this case Computer Survival App! It is in the polar opposite hemisphere of the CDS5K world far away from death but still very important. The only downside to this amazing app is that if you are really in a situation where you may need it, there is a good chance that you iPhone's battery is dead, wet or being digested in the stomach of a gigantic anaconda. BUT, if you familiarize yourself with some of the methods this app teaches you'll be ready to go and know how to react to whatever pickle you've gotten yourself into... and knowing is half the battle.

$6.99 available at you local App Store

Vocabulary Piracy

What if you created a catch phrase or saying so powerful and so perfect that everyone just needed it? Imagine if you had a patent on that word (or saying) and got paid every time it was used. Even though it cost $0.99 per usage, people are still willing to use it early and often in every conversation they have. How would you collect the $0.99? That's easy asshole, iTunes... duh! So, what is it that occurs when someone uses the word without coughing up the $0.99? They get shot in the head, execution style for the crime of vocabulary piracy, immediately after the word crosses their lips. There will be field agents everywhere monitoring and enforcing the terms and conditions of the word (also provided by Apple).

In other news> I will be in Las Vegas, NV in 15 hours. BOOM! (that's the word, btw, "BOOM", don't use it unless you pay $0.99, or have a death wish.)

Keeping it Healthy During a Blackout

It's refreshing to know that even in the midst of a drunken blackout some part of my brain reminds me to keep it healthy when late night binge eating. I came to this notion upon discovering a bowl of egg yolks on the stove when I woke up Saturday morning. So, at least they were egg whites I devoured probably standing over the sink like some kind of fucking animal! What is it about my brain, that after a night of gradually poisoning myself with bourbon an beer (not together, in separate drinking vessels), I will still make the effort to remove the fatty and cholesterol packed egg yolk before I cook it? Whatever it is is it's not DVDA... that's something all together different.

Masthead - 4/22/10

click to enlarge

Jewish Masturbation Theory

So, I just heard comedian Ari Schaffer describe this story to help detract Jewish men from masturbating. The story is basically that when masturbating you're fucking a demon and impregnating her, then when you die before you get into heaven you are confronted by all these monstrous demon children that you have created. How terrifying is that!! You mean to tell me that, by Jewish standards, I will have to confront, and I don't know, potentially battle my way through like 30,000 demon bastard children before I get into Heaven. That's actually a pretty cool story, I like it, I'm thinking "Movie Pitch Monday" content here!!

I case you were wondering, I saw/heard this on Joe Rogan's Live 4:20 podcast yesterday. Pictured below is comedian Ari Schaffer (Left, with vaporizer bag HA!), comedian/UFC commentator Joe Rogan (Center) and Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu wizard/genius Eddie Bravo (Right). The show is really funny and interesting check it out on Ustream for video or iTunes for audio feed only.

Computer Death Virus

This is the second virus I've gotten on my new(ish) Dell XPS laptop purchased (by work) in October. For the last 5 years or so, I have been a strong Mac advocate, but recently I started thinking Windows 7 was... okay. I'm really not sure exactly how I'm getting these little guys, porn/torrents/working on my associates degree in general studies from University of Pheonix Online, I guess any of these things can be giving me a virus. The first time I fixed it no problem, with a free scanner program called Malwarebytes. But this lil' guy is worse because it detects when you run a anti-malware or anti-virus scan and makes it crash. The virus itself appears as a windows security window, but right away, you can tell its not legit because it looks kinda shady! But there is a new program called rKill I'm running right now that blocks the malware from blocking your anti-malware... Hopefully this works... 30 minutes in and it's already detected 24 infected objects!! So, stay safe and wear a condom if you are computing with a PC, but if you have a Mac compute freely and condomless!