Computer Death Site 5000: June 2009

Hey, I wanted to put this gem up yesterday but for some reason the site wasn't working. Anyway here it is, the official Computer Death Site of June: Explosions and Boobs!

There's not a whole lot to it, but that's what I love about it, it's simple, just hit refresh in your browser until you've seen enough.

Death Proof

Introducing the world's first "Stab-Prof" knife... Wait? does it still cut?... Of course, it's just as sharp as a regular chef's knife just no point at the tip, see... so, you can't stab someone... But, I could still cut your throught or cut an artery and kill you that way... Oh, shit you're right, never mind guys, let's shut it down, this is dumb, were not making these anymore.

This is how the conversation in the board room at "New Point" SHOULD have gone, when the came up with the idea for a stab-prof knife. Whatever though do what you want... I'll just keep sitting here at my desk... sans pants.

Back from "Sabbatical"

So I had to take some time away from CDS5000, because well... that's none of your God damned business, kiss my butt!... Okay, let's just all cool out, sorry. I don't really have to much to talk about right now, I just woke up. Let's do one of those bullet point list things of what I think is worth mentioning:

• I plan on watching episodes of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here on hulu or something, but I don't know why.
• Had a dream about Zombies last night that had something to do with tainted Jelly Bellies (they were like the eggs of the zombies), ultimately the living (humans) lost. :(
• Detroit is in pretty big trouble right now economically, but I figured a huge indoor waterpark will solve all of their problems. (I was thinking we could call it like "Crocodile 8 Mile" or "I'm An Indoor Waterpark in Detroit...Get Me Out of Here".
• Recently heard about a cocktail called an "Incredible Hulk", it is: 2 parts Hypnotiq, 2 parts Hennessy, intrigued even though I'm not drinking booze liquids for the foreseeable future.
• Last night a group of us watched a man get burned alive then we shared the meat and ate him.
• "Muppet" is the equivalent of the "N-Word" to puppets.
• Found out your pee is completely sterile so no germs, bacteria or whatever in it.

YES! This is Awesome!

Things are looking pretty good for me today... even though I showed up at work at 11:45. It's okay I worked like an 18 hour day yesterday. But who cares because Peeps from Africa and the UK are practically throwing their money at me. I wonder how they got my email... They'll probably explain all that after I give them my social and my checking account number.

The Manhattan Project

I stumbled upon this and I like it... Will I do it? Probably not, because I'm not 13, I just occasionally have the mind of a 13 year-old. So yeah, scratch that, maybe I will do this at some point.

1. Buy the ingredients at your local convenient store: 2 liters of Diet Coke (warm), one pack Mentos candy (mint), and some rum (cheap).

2. Fill an ice tray with water and stick it in the icebox. Just before the liquid solidifies, drop one candy into each cube. Freeze.

3. Combine four cubes and 8 oz. of Diet Coke. Top with 2 oz. of rum. Garnish with a naive smile and serve. Wait five minutes.

4. When the ice melts enough to expose the dense candy's gum arabic to the cola, it'll erupt like a fifth-grade science project.

Sorry...

I can't look at those freaking gypsy eyes any longer, I needed to offset with something. Now that I look at this, I may be inspired to write another "Puppies Are Great" jam up in this bitch. Here u go:

Thoughts on a Movie No.4

Tonight, or yesterday night, I saw a movie and I'm not sure if my insomnia is coming back or I'm still awake because I don't want some kind of crazy ass demon to Drag Me To Hell. Either way, fuck that demon, and that bitch of a gypsy who cast it on that nice young girl in the movie. Per the usual, I was excited to see this movie, as I am for most movies that would appear to be ridiculous piles of dog shit to the general public. I was even more excited when I found out it was a Sam Raimi picture, the same dude that made Evil Dead and more importantly, Army of Darkness, which probably ranks somewhere in my top 20-25 movies of all time. The most recognizable actor in the film is Justin Long or the "Mac Dude" from all the Mac commercials. I'm gonna go off on a tangent here but I started thinking about Apple computers and came to the conclusion the Justin Long is the new Jesus... Which makes Apple computers the company and machines God/Gods... But, what does that make Steve Jobs... I guess some kind of crazy ass gypsy like from the movie. I dunno... It's too much to figure out the religious hierarchy of Apple computers. Okay, so Justin Long is Jesus, that's been established. Drag Me To Hell was fucking sweet, I suggest you peep it.

This movie stacks up at a 4 out of 5 in my mind sandwiches.

Damn, I'm off to a solid month here, June 1st and I've already got 2 posts up, things are looking pretty good, on a side note I killed a bee in my house today the size of a GD pick-up truck... I put it in a Ziploc bag and placed it in my freezer, but I'm not so sure what I'll do with it. Maybe I'll dress him up like to look like Paul Shaffer, and we'll have a nightly talk show for my stuffed animals... Maybe.

James Gunn's PG Porn

Hi, everyone loves a little porn right? Whether it be Japanese school girls throwing up in your mouth in a bathtub of white zinfandel whilst wearing a panda outfit, or just straight up one on one "relations" we all love it... we do. When I say "we" I specifically mean you. For me porno is pretty good, but I just hate all the gross naked bodies having sex, it's so, so very gross. My one wish has always been to have porn that contained all the brilliant structure and storylines without the nude... lovemaking... I guess. Well, thank you baby Jesus, my prayers have been answered because apparently James Gunn feels the same way I do. He has been working on a new show for Spike TV called PG Porn and it is exactly what I have been looking for. They're pretty funny, each short stars some real porn actresses and then one mainstream actor like Graig Robinson from The Office. Here is the link to the site with the vids, the are perfectly executed and exactly what "porn" should be. Keep it fucking clean America, keep it totally fricking clean. Love.

PG Porn

T.G.I.F.

Family Matter's was good, I think Karl was a Chicago cop, not sure tho.

Computer Death Experiment 5000

I made some business cards for CDS5000, basically the same as the title graphic of this bitch. They are blank on the back but along with the handwritten web address I wrote some funny things like; "Your Mother Sucks C@cks in Hell" or "Rape City 2009!"... No that's not accurate I wrote nice, curious things like; "Come to this place" or "Hello, This is a Place on the Internet, come to it". I had to go grocery shopping, so I brought only 10 with me and placed them around on shelves and in a couple magazines. If you are one of those people, I want to start by saying I'm sorry if anything here has offended you... I'm sorry. Hopefully you like this place and you will live here, maybe move in with me, and become very, very good friends... Like, best friends forever. You can have you own sleeping places, and I won't really watch you a lot when you sleep. We can probably have great dinner conversations, and maybe some light rough-housing after. The only form of payment I expect for rent is anything that has been a part of you, like fingernail clippings er, hair shavings er like maybe a band-aid with some of your blood on it. Geez, I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. That's all... This movie Push, fucking is terrible, Dakota Fanning is looking pretty hot tho... God Damn this is really bad, almost funny.