Here's My Best Facebook Impression...

So as I stated earlier, I recently joined Facebook and have been on that thing for about a month now, and I have to admit, it's not all that bad. It's a really great way to just drop in on someone's "eLife" and say hello or just snoop around a little. You feel a little like a weirdo looking at peoples stuff, but then again, if they didn't want you to see it they wouldn't have "friended" you, right? Whatever, it's cool I guess, but there is some gayness to it, but we live in a world where I can find "gayness" in just about anything. Oh, and if you are a lesbian or homosexual, please don't be offended when I refer to things as "gay", it's just the way I came up, I like gay people, not like you, like I wanna be gay with you, but platonically, I like you all that way.


So here is my impersonation of Facebook, ready here it goes:

"Na, I'm married, look at my kids, Na, look how much fun I have with my friends Na!"

HOLY SHIT!!!

I just realized it's almost CDS5000's 1st B-Day, I can't believe it's almost been a year. Where does the time go?

Chewy Truth Nuggets

As a race (the human race), we are one, however, within the "human race" we are composed of many different races or ethnicity's, I should say. The are a lot of common stereotypes that are associated with each ethnicity. Today I would like to replace stereotypes with fact, 100% truth, in this blog called "Chewy Truth Nuggets". I decided to focus on ethnicity's that are not as common as some of the others, like how we all know Jews are rich and love bagels or how Puerto Ricans always have a switchblade on them. So here it is and remember none of this is meant to be offensive, because all I am doing here is providing you all with the truth.

- Greeks: Are born without pee holes, or urethras, and they always do that duckbill thing with Pringles. Furthermore, Santorini is actually the birthplace of our beloved Pringles! Do you guys like Pringles? Because I do!... Pringles! Word on the street is that pringles are actually flamable, I'd test it out right now but alas, I am Pringleless :( Also, Greek people invented slivers, and no one likes slivers! Booooooooo!

- Venezuelans: Their unuasually slippery bones are made up of about 70% rainbow candy canes, after you skin and gut one, you can totally eat him/her! Unfortunately we live in a world where it is illeagal and frowned upon to harvest Venezuelans for their delicious bones. Think about it, when is the last time you had one of those tasty rainbow candy canes?... Oh, about a month and a half ago... Well that's because of the "Grey" market, it falls short of the "Black" market because people don't care enough about protecting this delicacy, but on the surface, they would probably not approve. My head hurts.

- Turks: They don't know about monkeys or the internet, and if they ever saw either one, they would freak the fuck out. In related news, let's say you are cornered in a dark alley with a bunch of angry Turks. If you don't relax and do the following, you'll probably end up looking like a Kabob (they eat Kabobs, Right?). Okay, get down on one knee and pretend that you're Karl Malone, BUT if they ask, you are actually Moses Malone. Lastly, all you need to do is stare them in the eyes and say, "What is this the Brige and Tunnel crowd?", nervously laugh as the gang parts and lets you pass.

- Chileans: Don't ever sleep in the same bed as a Chilean because they are sleep ticklers... Also they are sleep poopers, and boarderline violent pillow humpers. At puberty they get Cyborg arms, lose their ability to swim and will encourage you to "get gay with them". Also, if you order "Chilean Sea Bass" in a restaurant, you're probably not getting the real deal. You see the Chileans have been hording all of their Sea Bass and training them basic Microsoft Office skills, don't ask me why. Probably so they can get off the pole and get a respectable job, like with copiers and water coolers and all. Lot's of Chilean Sea Bass I know miss the money from dancing but feel better about themselves and their kids future :)

That's all for now, I want to leave you with something else, I almost choked to death on my dinner while I was writing this, for realzies. Also, I will be watching a movie I downloaded today, it's called, "Against the Dark". What's this movie about? I have two words for you: "Steven Seagal fighting against a bunch of zombie/vampires".

Oh man I still gotta make a picture for this thing, dang!... Okay, I'm tired cuz I had to wake up at 4am today and gotta tomorrow too, so you get RoboCop.

My New Tattoo...

I went last week for my consultation about my "cover-up" tattoo, and I am really happy with the way it is shaping up. It is gonna take two sessions before it is complete, but it is looking pretty sweet. Saturday took about 4 hours, and in 3 weeks I will be getting the color done and the old ugly tattoo will be hidden behind this new sweet one. the flowers were her idea and was aprehensinve at first by am happy with the way it turned out. Also I originally had a banner that said "thru the darkness" but she said it didn't work so whatev. Here is the preliminary sketch, as soon as I have a good pic of it I will pop it up here.


Here is a camera pic, you can obviously still see the old one it won't be done until after the next session in three weeks.

Why America Will Beat You Up!

Super Bowl weekend recently reminded me of how we (as Americans), love to gorge on ridiculous fat fuck concoctions while watching professional athletes with less than 5% body fat (not counting O and D line or Larry Fitzgerald's huge ghetto booty). American's have a rich history of eating unhealthy junk food like Pizza, Hot Dogs, Cheeseburgers, French Fries and the like. However we don't become true fat asses until we figure out ways to make these items bigger or help them to mutate into an awesome combination. I found some pretty great examples of this on the old WWW, so here are some of my favorites, enjoy:

-Krispy Creme Bacon Cheeseburgers


-French Fried Hot Dog


-Happy Meal Pizza


-Corndog Pizza


-The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt


-The Hamdog (hotdog wrapped in ground beef, fried, topped with french fries, chili and a fried egg)

Sorry it's coming...

Hey... Sorry, I will blog about a couple of things this week. Here's a sneak peak at some topics; My new tattoo I got on Sat., and the book I just started reading "Coraline" (it's a kids book, but still cool plus it matches my 5th grade reading level), which is awesome. See you soon fag tacos!

Thoughts on a Movie No.2

Here is another movie review of the film "Gran Torino" starring and directed by Clint Eastwood. Again if you have no motivation to see this movie I will sum it up like I did with "Slumdog", in a few sentences. If you would like to see this movie, skip the part that says "Spoiler Alert" and go to "Synopsis".

Spoiler Alert!
A racist old bastard is the only white guy left in an impoverished Detroit neighborhood (like there are places that aren't impoverished in Det.). A nice South East Asian family moves in next door, he hates them at first but later takes a smart, good-hearted, but socially retarded teen under his wing. A gang begins to terrorize them, Eastwood starts war with the gang, loses the war but its okay, because they are all going to jail... And he is dying anyway... And he hates life... And now the family is safe.

Synopsis:
The film is basically a highlight reel of "Willy" (Eastwood), making out-dated racial comments about every different ethnicity on this planet. He's a Korean war veteran, who has a strong distaste for Asian-Americans. The neighborhood is falling down around him, gangs, no work, etc. Willy's new neighbors are good people but the gang leader cousin keeps trying to recruit the families teenage son. When the son refuses, they open up an all out Jihad on these poor folks. Over time Willy, becomes friendly with the family and feels the need to protect them at all costs. The thing that has bugged me in a couple of movies I've seen recently is these old-timers; Eastwood, Pacino, De Niro, walking around beating the crap out of 18-25 year old, gangsters. Eastwood especially, there is one scene where he is freaking out breaking doors and windows in his house, just looks funny more than anything. All in all, it was okay, not really sure why they called the film "Gran Torino" though. I think a better name would have been "The Old Mean Racist". I mean he has an old 73 Torino, and it plays a small role. My feeling is, the car is a metaphor for Eastwood's character.

This movie shakes out at a 3

Which in case you don't remember means, "eh... tolerable, could be better"

Here's a Hopin'...

So yes! Obama was probably really cool when he was 20, based on this photo... I just hope he still is!

Fearless, Vending Machine, Me in the Shower

I was driving to work this morning and saw this red pick-up truck with a bunch of No Fear things on it. Ugh! what a fucking pussy seriously! This guy is probably afraid of so much shit he has to cry himself to sleep. I was enraged, what does that mean when you feel the need to advertise the fact that you don't fear anything? Spend a day inside my head mother fucker I'll give you something to be afraid of... maybe I'll follow you around all day from a discrete distance find out where you live and kill your fuckin' family, would you fear that asshole. Maybe I'll spare them since they've had to deal with such a pussy-ass douche bag their whole life. Yeah, I'll just take you back to my house and cut your dick off, put it in your mouth and surgically dissect you with an X-acto blade while we listen to Death Metal. Maybe I'm going a little overboard here, just...it just made me a little mad is all. No Fear, ha! So I came up with this original quote which I thought of on my own and no one else ever said it. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".

In other news I was watching "The Office" from last night and saw in the vending machine that they have "UTZ" brand snacks! This is the same brand from my "Cheese Ball" post a while back. So in a weird kinda-sorta way, I can start telling people that I was on an episode of "The Office".
Pretty cool huh?

Oh and since the first part of this post was insanely psychotic I will leave you with a photo of me drinking espresso in the shower from this morning... I love you all. Good night, let's go get some drinks!

Thoughts on a Movie No.1

First of all sorry for the recent lack of posting to the loyal CDS 5000 readers, I recently joined Facebook and have been using that as a means to flush my life down the toilet. I have a lot to say about the pros and cons of Facebook but I will save that for another post. Today I'd like to talk about a movie I watched last night called "Slumdog Millionaire". If you dont feel like reading the whole post, here is the short version of what the film is about:

Spoiler Alert! An Indian fellow overcomes a life of adversity while chasing a girl who is not down with hittin' skins... that is until after he wins 20,000,000 rupee, then she is okay with falling in love and stuff.

Synopsis:
I liked the way the story was told, basically the dude (Jamil or Jamal) is accused of cheating his way to 10,000,000 rupee and they take him away before he has the chance to answer the final 20,000,000 rupee question. The host and police, figure there is no way an uneducated hoodrat could know all of these answers. The setting switches back and forth between the Game Show, Police Department and Childhood Flashbacks. As it turns out, up to this point Jamil did know all of the answers to the questions, but only because they serendipitously had something to do with a profound moment in his life. So... I liked the format, you'd be on the show, Jamil is presented the question and then you flash into his past seeing what happened and why he knows the answer to this particular question. Jamil's love interest is crazy gorgeous, and his brother is like a Indian gangster thug type guy, Jamil is basically a doormat that gets fucked over his entire life. Ostensibly it's a "rags to riches" story set in Indian. Good movie though...

On a scale of 1 to 5:
I would put it at a 4

My ranking system for things I will be ranking in the future will be as follows:
1, horribly bad
2, bad... but not horrible
3, eh... tolerable, could be better
4, good, you should check this out
5, awesome, Christ-Like, check this or we are no longer friends

Keep in mind this is only the way I feel about this stuff, so if you ain't down... F U!

Oh and Happy 2009... I think I have a new year in my archive list now, woohoo!