This is Not Photoshopped...

Shitty Basketball Hoop Update...

This is why we don't have nice things Michael... You may remember a missing milk crate hoop from the last "This Week or So in Photos"...

5 Years in Japan!

We did it! It feels like only yesterday that I helped broker the deal to bring Burger King to the Land of the Rising Sun. I made a lot of money in the process too. It was a rainy night in the Roppongi District of Tokyo and I was drunkenly disoriented on my surplus of flame-broiled BK goodness I had smuggled into the country. A polite and sympathetic Japanese Burger Chef Satoru Mukogawa, helped me out of the streets and my own mess I had been festering in for the last 48 hours. Upon arriving to his Dojo Satoru-San asked what had been the origin of my current state... I weakly pulled the last BK burger from inside Pikachu, my albino tea-cup Pomeranian (aka my cheeseburger smuggling "mule"). Satoru-San, questioned at first, but I encouraged him to eat. His eyes turned black with joyous intoxication, no less black than the wings of Satan himself. He knew at that moment that Japan had been missing out on what may be the most important culinary success of the last 5000 years. We spent the next month perfecting the craft of the Burger King flame-boiled chemical meat patty, both knowing our lives would never be the same. That's how it all began, a serendipitous meeting between a cheeseburger junkie and a universally renowned burger chef... We were crushing it. If you were eating a cheeseburger in Japan in the late aughts of 2000, there's a 95% chance you were eating one of ours. We laughed our way to the bank on this one and there are no signs of slowing down. So to commemorate the fateful night in which we got completely black-eyed on cheeseburgers, we've collaborated once again to bring you the Kuro Burger (Black Burger) hitting your local Japanese Burger King late last night for a limited time only.

We've used fresh bread blackened by mixing bamboo charcoal into the dough. Then we took it another step further by adding our black flavored ketchup, which is a traditional ketchup blended with garlic and squid ink along with a special secret blend of spices. We've priced these things out at 790¥ (US $10) for the value meal and 450¥ (US $5.75) for the sandwich alone. Please do yourself a favor, fly your gaijin ass to Japan and eat one of our delicious Kuro Burgers!

This Week or So in Photos...

So in continuing to apologize for my lack of posting, what better way to catch you up, than a "This Week or So in Photos..." Post!? Also, this entire series has been brought to you by Instagram, official sponsor of CDS5K. Thanks a lot Instagram!! Immediately following this post though... I don't want you as a sponsor anymore... We had a good run.

I had to clear out my kitchen and living room before departure for CDS5K operation: MDS5K. I had that whole, ceiling collapse and destroyed roof to deal with, remember? It did make for a different, minimalist feel I've never had in my place. Open spaces... there is something to be said for you... and you Louie.

72 hours later... and I still haven't moved, eaten or spoken to anyone... My Roomba did most of my errands for me in this time... My beard is huge and I am in and out of consciousness. I can't for the life of me remember what I was watching, but it looks really... good.

Ahhh finally, this is what I was looking forward to... Welcome to the Venice Beach CDS5K headquarters...

Upon receiving specific instructions not to put anything on the table in the upper left-hand portion of the picture... We immediately placed our dicks on it. Sorry GB, but now you gotta think about that every time you sit to have your bangers and mash! Also, if you act in one more RomCom. I'm gonna throat-rip ya...

Every morning after clearing the place of prostitutes and other slags that glommed on to our fame, I walked around Venice trying to see if someone made the fatal mistake of leaving a door latch undone. Turns out no one does anything in LA before noon. It's a ghost town, exactly how I like it. I even did a night version, drunken 3 am boardwalk stroll, solo, looking for a bit of trouble... I was rolled up on by a pair of LA's finest telling me how dangerous it was at night and that I should "go the fuck home", in so many words... Yeah, yeah... I walked around for another hour and made my way back. I'll decide when it's time to go home, fascists.

Graf piece, right off the boardwalk... It was commissioned I'm sure. Part of some kind of "beautify Venice beach with art" project that seemed to be going on. This guys stuff was in a few spots scattered across town.

One should not concern themselves with how things get from point A to point B... but they get there. And nothing is placed in any orifices... just saying. This is what I call the "Pre-Float Assist".

These are the baddest sensory deprivation tanks ever and can be yours for about $35,000!

A guy by the name of "Crash" has been building these things for years out of Float Lab in Venice Beach. We had an... interesting conversation with him pre-float. He's out there man... I mean somewhere else. Also, surprisingly devastating capitalist morals. "Just run'em outta business, take over..." he whispered or screamed and laughed. Above is my portal...

And now I am entering...

Now that we've connected with the deep, dark recesses of our subconscious. Let's start getting drunk!
Surprise, surprise, this is an IPA I've decided to pour in my body, a delightful one, in 16oz. tall boys... and slick packaging. Good Job!

I've never made Carne Asada... I know, I know, what kind of an asshole must I be? But, I took a stab at it and it came out pretty good. No true gentleman can deny himself an occasional Dia de los Tacos. A couple nights later I had a full on meat rage at like 4 or 5 am... Woke up naked, had eaten all the left over meat. WereMikey LivEs! OOOoooOOOOooo!

This is strange. It reminded me of Stanley Kubrick kinda... When I was there, in the moment, it had a total 2001: Space Odyssey vibe. I was even listening to classical music... and also totally baked. You'll notice that as a theme for this "Business Trip". Also, don't try to look at my dick in the reflection dudes... don't do it.

Outside of the one in my house, this has to be the rape(y)ist bathroom I've ever been in. I almost raped myself actually at first.

Checked out the Venice Beach skate park... I woulda totally shredded, but I didn't have my shit with me, plus like, my back has been acting weird and stuff lately... and like I don't have health insurance and stuff... But, otherwise, I woulda totally shredded that shit. But yeah, as you would expect, it was fucking amateur hour out there.

Having a little breakfast sandwich here, with the most ridiculously branded energy drink maybe ever. Seriously, look at what they're doing. That my friends is art. It's communication through confusion or something. I only bought it and drank it because I assumed it would kill me.

Next time, instead of paying you, we will take that approach. Thanks for the tip assholes!... No, but seriously guys we loved your place. We went to the farmers market on Abbott Kinney... bought some gourds... dried and hollowed them... and screen printed vintage typography on them. We really hope you guys like them. Because we like them.

 The Smoking Gentleman's Travel Kit... Pretty banged up at this point... Runnin' Low.

GhOst ShArk kinda made an appearance... But, regret not taking advantage of how deserted Venice becomes at night... :(

Went to "Undefeeted" in Santa Monica and bought these little buddies. I really like them. There was a mint green pair I REALLY wanted, but they were out of my size... It was a crushing blow. Had about 10 minutes re-evaluating my life as I watched these little fucking French brats run around the store, literally wreaking havoc! One even almost knocked over a huge mirror. Meanwhile the mother half-heartedly said, "sit down"... and said some shit in French to them... As they continued to destroy, I think one of them even made fun of me! But then I snapped back into it and was like, "Okay, I'll take the yellow ones".

You literally cannot fake the funk on this nasty dunk! Somebody took the OG Venice Beach Gold's Gym and made it their fucking house! At least you know what you're doing! Again, Good Job!... Don't think for a second I was gonna let travel get in the way of fitness btw... We pumped, and we pumped hard... At the new Gold's Gym in Venice... Jefe had a breakdown about his lats looking weird...

It may be hard to see, but all those little orange spots you see are embers of the wildfire that was raging through the hills earlier that day. In the early afternoon, I looked over out the window and saw smoke pouring into the air and watched the flames rage fer a minute. Later, I may have made a major miscalculation about how hard and expensive it might be to get from Venice to Sherman Oaks to Studio City to Pasadena... back to Venice... All in a black, tinted-out Prius... Los Angeles you are a caricature of yourself, knock it off!...

 Okay, see you later, like in a couple months...

Looks like I'm back in Chicago here. "Linas Rutherford Weatherfink's" Tim Bierdron (I think) leg piece... Is there a band playing right now?...

NOFX... Fine. Riot Fest business at hand! Fat Mike went ahead and called a dude in a wheel chair lazy... I'm now wondering if he was a plug... because no shit, he was crowd surfing all retarded later! They literally put a dude in a wheel chair up it was great, contrived or not.

To Gogol Bordello, who I accidentally managed to see twice in the past month... That sounds bitchy right? I still like them though...

The Latin Kings are not impressed btw... Sorry for taking over Humboldt Park for a day or three, and making sure no one gets raped, robbed or murdered!


We kept talking about how nice all the basketball hoops were in L.A. compared to Chicago... Just more evidence of truth pictured...

That's it, I gotta go to sleep.

Insta-Art! No. 1

I'm so fucking sick of looking at that animated gif of myself, It's almost driven me to the brink of suicide. Maybe, if I wasn't such a god-damned narcissist and didn't have my blog set as my home page, I wouldn't have to see my fat, whore ass, pouring Irish whiskey down my gullet all because Finn looked at me with his iPhone and said "do something"... Good for you Finn, your little games with your animated gif app have just about ruined my life. Every time I turn on my computer all I see is the dancing monkey you have turned me into. For this, you will never be forgiven. Or maybe, I should just post something more than once every (approx.) 45 days or dias. Man, I am so sorry guys for not posting... It is YOU the follower out there that backed me off the ledge of imminent death on the pretense of self hatred. If I offed myself, you wouldn't have CDS5K anymore, or a reason to live!  Therefore setting off a chain of events that would lead to mass suicides and the eventual extinction of human civilization. Paving the way for the monstrous next step of evolution, oversize reptilian life forms roaming the earth... Wait that happened already right? Well, like fashion and large hadron colliders, evolution can be cyclical in nature I suppose.

Having been someone who spent some decent coin on trying to hone my fine art skills at a credited educational institution, I sometimes get myself caught in thinking about what is or is not art. I worry about the fact that certain skill sets can become obsolete, thanks to computers making art for you. Instagram for example, all of the sudden everyone is a photographer. I think it's the ease of whipping out your (eeeasy...) iPhone and snapping a pic of anything and making it look pretty nice. There is also the constant need to merge your real and digital life with other people who are just always trying to one up everyone else in saying, "That's pretty cool, but look what I'm doing faggot! #imcooler". Now, I can't say that I'm not guilty of this also... But guys, I only do it when I'm drunk, so... back off alright. Anywhozles, I just really wanna get to blogging a bit more here than I have been in the last couple months. I just havent had muFuckin' time... So here is my .5 seconds invested in being an dime store Instagram photographer while stuck in soul crushing traffic this past week, the textures in the concrete and road surface is what does it for me here, I can get lost in those for hours... but also I am on mushrooms.