Quick Tips to Being a Jerk No. 1

This is clearly a spin-off from the "Quick Tips to Fancy Living" posts, but I thought about this yesterday as I was getting in an elevator. Basically, there's nothing more frustrating than having to hold an elevator for someone, I'm sorry I simply don't have the time... And who does really? So next time you get on an Ellie, just walk in, look down and right/left, hit the button and remain facing the back wall of the elevator. Problem solved, you didn't see them, sorry!

Dun-na-na-na-na-na-na-nah! Bat Blog!!

Masthead - 03/30/2010

click to enlarge

BK Serial Killer Ads

I don't know what the significance or underlying message is here... Burger King is open late... Serial Killers are night owls... Serial Killers work up an appetite while killing in the middle of the night. I don't really care what the message is here, because I like'em. They were produced by an agency in Dubai called Tonic Dubai. I like the "Jason" one the best because he is my favorite slasher film killer out of this bunch...

Proud Lithuanian Moments

I heard this story today on the radio while I was casually showering regardless of the fact I was already 20 minutes late for work. The blood pumping through my 'MERICAN veins did find its way there through a Lithuanian heritage. Really you don't hear too much about us as a people, we don't cause too much trouble... But, occasionally we'll try to strike female police officers (constables in this case) with our penis's. You heard me right, here is the story:

Marium Varinauskas tried to strike an officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen (UK) Sheriff Court was fined $920 (not bad... almost worth it?).

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offense.

Police were called to his home by his girlfriend, who had complained about him being drunk and disorderly.

They arrived to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants.

Prosecutor Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid being struck...."

OKAY! you get the gist, I do have a few logistical questions with how this actually went down. Was the female office a "Little Person"? Was the Lithuanian man a giant? I don't know, I'm just having a hard time understanding how this went down. Somethings are just better left unknown, either way, thanks for making us (Lithuanians) look like a bunch of drunk pervos!

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10j

A chandelier... made of the tears and dreams of children who's souls have been stolen by a demon that I saw playing a tiny piano on the back of a donkey.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10i

Everyone loves pizza! I love pizza so much that sometimes it hurts my head and I start to smell the Ocean or freshly cut grass. Another great thing about pizza is the vessel in which it is delivered to you, a pizza box, and the amazing illustrations on that box.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10h

More cell pictures from this past week...

When my car arrived I was excited to see that it was a full limo, instead of just a plain old Town Car. "Nice way to start a trip!" I thought... Little did I know this would be the start of my worst travel day ever. Flight to DC out of Midway was supposed to have left Saturday @ 1:40 p.m... I arrived in DC @ 11:00 a.m. out of O'Hare on a newly purchased (absurdly priced) ticket on a different airline. Upon arriving at Reagan International DC, I got a $70 cab to Dulles Internation DC to get my luggage, then another $70 cab ride back to the convention center. Worst!

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10g

I passed by an antique store last night after consuming some tapas by myself (I don't believe tapas are meant to be eaten alone, but whatever, you fucking asshole! I wanted some Tortilla Espanol, and some fucking Brocheta de Pollo. Suck my ass you jerk offs!). What you're seeing is rare, very rare indeed... and very dangerous. This is one of five of the cursed Arctic Monkey statues, it's black eyes are a clear representation for the evil it possesses. It is said that the owner of all five statues will rule the world and live forever... Dance, dance, put it in your pants.

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After a long day of work at the convention center, I dipped outside the back door of my hotel for a stress smoke, and there was a little terrace overlooking this... Freno's territory... I guess.

Quick Tips to Fancy Living No. 3

There is no quicker or more efficient way to get the wrinkles out of a suit than the ole' shower steam. After however many hours being stuffed into a suit case, simply hang that little bitch up on the shower rod, sit back and relax, plus unlimited hot water in hotels... right?

p.s. I've been busy working on-site in DC, I will have a bunch of new posts coming soon... I promise... I'm sorry.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10e

Self-Portrait, It's important to examine yourself from time to time and try to figure who that is staring back at you in the mirror. In this case it's my evil twin that lives in another reality that happened somewhere else millions of years ago.

Quick Thought - 03/17/10

You know that thing where you say the name "Mike Hunt" and if it's repeated it sounds like "My Cunt"? Well it works for "Duck Hunt" too... "Duck Cunt"... But you're talking about a duck's instead of yours.

Love Me Some RomComs!

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10d

I started seeing these cool 8-bit post-it creations and I made this Space Invaders one during my lunch today. Pretty sweet huh? I'm gonna make Mario soon and maybe a Donkey Kong one too.

Computer Death Site - March 2010

I try and remember to bring you an official Computer Death Site each month. A website that pushes the envelope on both originality and uselessness. For the month of march I think I got a good one, I give you LAZERTITS. Basically it's a photoblog with pictures of women shooting lazers out of their tits. Please enjoi!! God speed and God bless.

Masthead - 03/12/10

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10c

Hot Feet!!! WHITE HOT!!

New Joke...

Here's a new joke I've been working on:

Q: ¿Por qué fue Michael Jackson a Wal-Mart?

A: Porque ellos tienen los tratos buenos en el artículos de tocador y bebidas, para el ejemplo Gatorade... Realmente yo no pienso que él hizo, porque él se murió, Dios descansa su alma.

I wrote this joke in Spanish because I think it will deliver better that way, here is the rough translation. I should say, the Spanish might not be perfect but I'm not perfect.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?

A: So that he could get good deals on Toiletries and beverages like Gatorade... Actually I don't think he did , because he passed away, God rest his soul.

Shrimp Blogging?

I've seen this new Taco Bell commercial a few times and it's driving me fucking crazy. It's for TB's new Pacific Shrimp taco, being pitched to you by a "shrimp blogger"... uhhhh what? The commercial opens on a dude clicking away on his laptop, on location and he kinda yell's in a maybe South African accent, "I'm a Shimp Blogger". I basically just tune out after that. Do you expect me to believe that there are assholes out there blogging about shrimp? I mean, I understand the need for a blog like CDS5K, where you can hear me talk about my dick and take pictures of things I eat. But, who the fuck is out there blogging about shrimp? (here's one I found theshrimpfarm.com). Eitherway, this commercial doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me (as soon as i find it I'll post it) and I shan't be eating a shrimp taco from Taco Bell anytime soon. But, just in case you are even considering it have a look at this photo someone posted below.

Thoughts on a Movie No. 13

I watched this last night, it was my third attempt to do so, but finally was able to take some time away from "research", and really relax and enjoy "Black Dynamite". The actor who played "BD" (Michael Jai White), is probably familiar to most, I couldn't place it at first but he played Al Simmons/Spawn in the 1997 Image Comics adaptation "Spawn", and more recently Gambol the black gangster in "The Dark Knight". Anyway, he's awesome in this, you'll notice a few others too, like Tommy Davidson who plays a pimp and Cedric Yarbrough (RENO 911) who also plays a pimp. It's kinda like "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!" but slightly cleaner and more subtle... At times. That probably sounds confusing. I really don't want to give away the entire plot because the rabbit hole goes very deep in this one! But here's a taste, "BD's" brother is killed while working undercover on a drug sting. Hell bent on revenge, BD discovers that his death was connected to a much larger government conspiracy specifically targeting African Americans via mass distribution of a contaminated malt liquor. BD will do anything he can to avenge his brothers death and get to the bottom of the conspiracy! I fucking loved this movie so much and laughed out loud (LOLed) a ton. Just be aware while you're watching it, that the filmmakers were self aware when they made this. Then again if you don't get it, you're a fucking idiot and you probably shouldn't be reading this. Comedy isn't rocket science, or a matter of opinion, funny things are funny, period, and if you can't see that... go get a gun... put it in your mouth... (whisper for this part) and pull the fucking trigger. Okay, I'm sorry for that little rant. See this movie though!

I'm going... uh 4.35 out of 5.

Quote of the Movie: "Now Aunt Billy, how many times have I told you not to call here and interrupt my Kung Fu!"
-Black Dynamite on the phone with Aunt Billy

Hummingbird Vs. Praying Mantis

I just heard that the hummingbird survived the attack. There is no information on the health or whereabouts of the Praying Mantis.

CDS5K Transit Map

Click to enlarge and see some of the stops along the way.

Masthead - 03/08/10

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10b

I got a green tea, bubble tea one morning down in STL. It was really good, but I never had "bubble tea" and though the concept and texture of the bubbles themselves is neat, they taste like nothing, not bad like a bucket of dead dicks, but just totally tasteless.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-03/10a

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been out of town in the majestic St. Louis (nothing about this place is "Majestic", to be clear) for work. So, I'll do my usual Cell Phone Pics, that I do to sort of get caught up here. This is a planter I saw on instructables.com that's very easy to make, and looks pretty cool in my opinion.