...In the Name of the Lord!

My Dearest Beloved,

I wanted to take a moment to respond to a very sweet woman who has apparently fallen on some tough times. Her name is Mrs. Rosita Howard and she needs my help, with the power of Jesus Christ on our side I think we can make this happen. You see Mrs. Rosita is being treated at a medical center in Costa del Sol Hospital in Spain. Her late husband (Jesus, sweet God rest his soul) had secured 17,300,000 million (Secured in what way or form of currency we cannot say, but we can assume Euro at this point). She has put her faith in almighty Jesus Christ God in me, a simple warrior of Christ, to take it upon myself and do right by her $17 Mil, and utilize it the way she instructs. I will accept this weighty responsibility sweet Mrs. Rosita I will accept it in Jesus Christ, God bless you... God bless.

Sincerely yours in Christ and with all the love in the Seas of Blood that the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse are sailing upon,

Mikey J and "The Team" @ CDS5K

p.s.

If you are feeling up to it, please e-mail or twitter a pic of your tits to me, in these tough economic times I have very little material to "JO" to, and a spicy Latina such as yourself can certainly pull me out of this slump

p.p.s

Oh, and thank you for being July's 31st post helping me reach my goal of having one post for each day of the month.

Forgetta Bout' It!

I mentioned in my Shark Week post, that I kinda forgot about 9-11. Which is pretty ironic in the sense that we would "Never Forget". So I made this really quick today. Don't forget to watch Shark Week, I will be making my television debut on Sunday night in the "Blood in the Water" episode... I play the future shark fighter.

The Creative Corner No. 1

Here is an example of how people that make movies are dumb dicks. I actually prefer art for Death Ship, at least some one actually spent more that 30 minutes of Photoshopin' to create it. For the record though, I did like Ghost Ship. Cuba Gooding is the man... wait I'm thinking of something else here. I found an amazing resource for horror, b-movie posters from 1930s - Present, they are all hi-res and there are 1000s, this may end up being website of the month for August so I cant give it away yet.

UNRELATED SHIT...
Coming down to the wire on 31 posts for the month of July, there are only so many hours in the day. It's gonna be close.

Computer Death Skateboard 5000

Thoughts on a Movie No.8

I wanted to comment on this movie when I first saw it a few months back, but never got around to it. But I re-watched it and this movie was super heavy metal, kick ass, awesome! (That's one of the ways I can try and express my feeling towards something I really like) What makes it so great? Vinnie Jones for one, you'd recognize him from films like "Lock, Stock" and "Snatch" he's the big fuckin' British dude who is always beating the shit out of people! Another reason I liked this film is that I like watching people getting murdered... What can I say man, it gets me hard you know! (Don't Judge) You'd probably also recognize Bradley Cooper from "The Hangover" and a bunch of other stuff. This is another one of those movies I really heard nothing about but rocks none the less (it a remake from 80s actually). It's about a serial killer (Jones) who is fucking fools up on the subway and an aspiring photographer (Cooper), trying to document the dark side of the city. The photographer becomes obsessive with his work, going to great and disturbing lengths to capture this subject matter. Every night he goes out he is getting closer and closer to becoming a victim himself of the killer / butcher by day (ah-thank you!). The movie is pretty gorey, Oh! and I almost forgot there is a scene where "Rampage" Jackson (of UFC fame) fights the butcher (to no avail). Without giving too much away, the ending takes a fucking, crazy weird ass turn that I was in no way expecting.

This movie is cool and fun to watch, take this ---> 4 out of 5 up in here! Now if you will excuse me I've gotta go catch a different kind of "Midnight Meat Train" (wink-wink... you know what I mean ;)..... I'm gonna go fuck some dudes... on a train.... that is all.

Bike Mishap

After work today I went for a nice little bike ride... After about an hour and a half of screwing around out there I was pretty tired and maybe not paying as close attention as I should have been. I came into the bridge pretty hot and I was tired, my right handle bar nicked the railing and caused me to loose control and ultimately hurt myself. As I was walking around waiting for my testicles to drop back into place, I took a pic of my bike... this is that pic. A-BOOOM-BOOOM-BOOOM, LEMME HEAR-YA SAY AYYOOO... AYYOOOOOOO!

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-07e

I was getting on the elevator of the parking garage and was pleasantly surprised when I saw that someone (A CDS5K fan no doubt), had thrown up a magnificent art sticker. When I returned to the elevator to photograph this amazing, artistic representation for the best blog ever, some bitch-ass trick tried to peel it off. Watch yourselves motherfuckers! I catch anyone, ANYONE fuckin' with anything CDS5K related, I will straight up murder you... No hesatation!

Super Sunday Sharkweek 2009

Hola bitches! I just found out that sharkweek starts this Sunday on the Discovery Channel, I'm not really sure how I'm just now hearing about this, I mean I haven't seen a spot or anything. Last year I gave you a run down on the new programming for the 2008 Sharkweek... Here it is for 2009:

Blood In the Water – 2 hour premiere!
Sunday, August 2 at 9 p.m. ET/PT
The true story behind the bloody shark attacks of 1916 that inspired the movie "Jaws." A 9 foot long shark cruises just off the New Jersey beaches. It's actually not about a young shark that gets it's period for the first time and is totally mortified at a pool party. This infamous story is basically where it all started with the mass media hysteria of how sharks can kind of be assholes. I still like'em though. Brought to you by:
Deadly Waters
Monday, August 3 at 9 p.m. ET/PT
Survivorman’s Les Stroud is back for more nail biting - shark chomping action, and this time, he’s taking on the deadliest waters around the world. Les is gonna go around and find out exactly where the hot spots are and how you can talk a shark out of biting you, simply by staying calm and reasoning with it. Brought to you by:

Day of the Shark 2
Monday, August 3 at 10 p.m. ET/PT
See what happens in this harrowing hour, when a great white breaks through a 300-pound aluminum shark cage and traps the divers inside. Another shark tackles a former Navy Seal in shallow waters off the coast of St. Petersburg, Florida. And a bull shark invades a spear-fishing trip in the Bahamas. Brought to you by:

Sharkbite Summer
Tuesday, August 4 at 9 p.m. ET/PT
The bite-by-bite account of America's notorious "Summer of the Shark" in 2001. What the fuck?... Something else happened in 2001... What the fuck was that again? Shit, I can't remember, I guess I forgot. (Y'all getting this? haha) I'm gonna put together a little art piece about this event (involving towers) I can't remember. I think I'm gonna call it "Forgetta'Bout It!" Stay tuned for that... and of course Sharkbite Summer. Brought to you by:

Great White Appetite
Wednesday, August 5 at 9 p.m. ET/PT
The Great White is one of the most of the most feared predators on earth as well as one of it’s most efficient hunters. Something were not hearing too much about is the rapid rise in Bulimia amongst Great White teens. The celebrity obsessed culture we live in has begun to cross-over into the animal kingdom. Even fucking sharks are torturing themselves in the pursuit of unattainable physical beauty. Brought to you by:

Shark After Dark
Thursday, August 6 at 9 p.m. ET/PT
Sharks are most aggressive and most active in the dark, but the fact is, we know very little else about the nocturnal nature of these creatures. The creators of HBO's Taxi Cab Confessions and Atlantic City Hookers, bring you this never before seen look at the shadiness of shark business after dark. Brought to you by:

So Ronery...

Google Map Font

click to enlarge

Two Gentlemen in a Locker Room

I rather enjoyed this, and so should you:



UPDATE!!
Ok, You absolutely have to watch the one called an "Odd Story" or "The Odd Story", after the movie finishes playing it will shrink down revealing smaller thumbnails of other videos. Find this one and watch it, I was laughing so fucking hard I had t walk away from my desk and go out into the hallway!! I loved it!

Oldie but Goodie...

Pee-Pee, Poo-Poo, Wieners and Butts... Boobs... How fuckin' cool is this kid?

Computer Death Site 5000: July 2009

Good Morning! I hope you had a chance to enjoy last month's website, "Explosions and Boobs". For July's website I decided to go with "Scanwiches" this place is delicious... Are websites places? I think they are. Basically, this photo blog documents cross-section scans of delicious sandwiches, they tell you where its from and whats in it. This is another example of how "less is more" when it comes to developing a magnificent website. Pictured above you'll find a sandwich from Urban Rustic it's made up of: Prosciutto, Avocado, Basil, Pesto, Mozzarella, on a Baguette. I'd better shake a leg if I'm gonna have 31 posts this month, huh?

SCANWICHES>

Coming Soon: Zombieland

It may seem a bit cliche, but, I love me some zombies y'all! This shit looks pretty phresh (phresh - street slang for interesting, cool or aesthetically pleasing). Here is the trailer:

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-07d

Another bike ride picture, I found this lake off a little muddied up trail I was jamming on, there was a little floating dock you can walk out to, but it was totally overgrown. I took this as fast as I could because I was literally getting raped by mosquitoes... that's right, literally... go ahead picture that little nugget in your head computers.

SIDENOTE... Si-Dino-Tee (That movie Sideways, made Pinot Noir cool to drink... this is not the "Sidenote".)

This month (July) I'm going to break my posting record for the month, having at least one post for each day. I'm on track right now and I'll probably exceed that number... What else? Oh, I also rode past a convent or whatever you call "the nunnery" and I got to thinking; Do women, in America still consider this a path in their life plan? Hmmm, probably , I bet there are even a few hot ones, all I need to do is infiltrate their convent and take 15 minutes to explain that organized religion is a bullshit theory based on human insecurity and the fear of not being able to understand our origins and purpose in this life... Flash to 30 minutes later and I'm banging away on an ex-nun, this is gonna be sweet.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-07c

Cruising around in the wee hours Wednesday evening on my bike, basically exploring creepy paths and areas at night... Places I can dispose of things that need disposin'. Spent a minute checking out the Old Mill on York Rd. it was pretty neat, but the water levels were really low so it wasn't moving, I'm not sure it really functions at all any more, it might just be something that is turned on during the day. At certain times last night I was almost certain that I'd be attacked by something on one of these wooded pitch black trails, I keep looking behind me and shit, I'm glad I have lights on my bike now, but I'm also afraid it could attract some type of demon spirit creature in the woods who otherwise may not have seen me... This is a legitmate concern for me.

UPDATE!!
After further investigation of The Old Mill Pic, that's what the "team" (...it's just me) is calling it here at CDS5K, you can actually see a DSC staking me as I took the photo, chilling! This is quickly turning into a Scooby-Doo epi, good day!

A Sweet Video & Song...

..From The Dead Pirates, a band that is not shit...

Five-Dollar $hit Bands!

Last night I was washing my testicles in my kitchen sink after a Flavor-Ice incident that I don't want to talk about. But, as I was doing this I heard something from the other room on the television and I'm pretty sure it was telling me that if I purchase a "5 dollar footlong" from Subway, I'll have the opportunity to see some pretty amazing bands this summer also for the low price of $5. This is super cheap, especially since one of the bands is NICKLEBACK!!... Wait who? Nickleback? Oh. No thank you subway, sweet Jesus fucking' Christ... No thank you. How do you decide the bands for this promotion? It's actually pretty simple, LiveNation peeps were probably looking at bands like Nickleback, The Fray and Motley Crue thinking to themselves, "Wow! How the fuck are we gonna sell these?", "Mmm, this BMT is sooo good!", "Five...Five...Five dollar foooootloooong." "Oh Fuck Me! That's it!"

Thoughts on a Movie No.7

Mmm, yup, that's what I'm talking about! I saw a really cool movie tonight at the theater, and I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but this movie may end up being a favorite of mine, possibly FOREVER, or at least until we get Andrew McCarthy and Jonathon Silverman back together for another Weekend at Bernie's installment. There hasn't been a lot of press for the movie Moon, I think that's good though for the viewer, because I really didn't have much of an idea of what it was about, aside from some shit about the Moon. Sam Rockwell plays an astronaut working on a lunar base alone for a 3 year stint, his only companion is a helpful robot named GERTY (voice of Kevin Spacey). For me it was awesome, but I'm a big fan of 2001, and space shit like that so, it makes sense that I have a massive space b*ner about Moon. Basically, earthlings have found a new fuel source on the moon (helium-3) and Sam's (also his character's name) responsibility is to harvest the fuel source and rocket the surplus back to Earth from time to time. He is two weeks away from his return back to Earth after a long and lonely 3 years on the dark side of the Moon. Now, towards the end of his contract up there, a whole bunch of craziness and mindfuckery begins to happen. I really don't want to give anything else away, you should see this movie for sure, don't even watch the trailer or anything, just go and see it as soon as you can... Or I'm gonna come to your home, while you're sleeping, kill you and steal life force, you have two weeks... two weeks.

Without a doubt I'm putting this at a 5 out of 5, that's the first movie I've given full on love to, in fact, I loved it so much, I wanna take IT to the movies and maybe get it a little drunk on wine and fool around with it a little. I hope I haven't built it up to much for you, and I really do think you should go see it, if you like this kind of stuff, that is. You know what? Nevermind, you don't deserve this... You don't deserve anything, this movie is too good for you.

Computer Death Quesadilla 5000

I was thinking about promoting CDS5K and being the marketing genius that I am, I thought, what do people want?... What do people need?... The answer; Quesadillas motherfuckers... Quesadillas. From now on I made a promise to myself to give out 25 of these bad boys a day in hopes to spread CDS5K across the world. Also, I'm moving to Canada pretty soon, so that's exciting... I guess. Cancel that buddy, I am in fact, not moving to Canada, I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry for lying to you. In other news, I've started hanging out at truck stops and prostituting myself out.

Chilling Last Words No.1

"Go Raiders!"

—Robert Charles Comer, executed in Arizona on May 22, 2007

President Ass Man

At the G8 summit in Italy, President Barack Obama checks out this fancy hooker's booty while French President Nicolas Sarkozy looks on approvingly.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 7

MSBs are back!!! WoooHooo! this morning I was a little groggy because my shrink told me I should try taking melatonin to sleep better, and he still won't give me any drugs... A-Hole. Generally it works pretty good, It definitely knocks me out but makes it hard to get going in the morning. But it's nothing my beloved energy drinks can't handle. This morning I enjoyed a "Java Moster Loca Moca". Drink it in and drink it down, then you dance and dance and put it in your pants, make some romance! (DDPIYP Remix Coming soon!)

Marijuana Legality Map

click to enlarge

Back in May I posted a map about the alcohol consumption across the God Damned world. Now I'm posting a map about the legality of marijuana across the God Damned world. I'm not totally sure of what "decriminalized" means but if you like to do some more research on that and why some rubber things come shaped as fists you can do so here: LINK TO IT

...and what the fuck!? I was in Spain about a year ago.. How come I didn't know bout this?

SciFi is now SyFy

SciFi has reBranded itself as SyFy... I DVRed a new show called Warehouse 13, because I'm a nerdy McFagpants and noticed the new logo violator in the lower right side of the screen, they must have just done this... just thought I'd let you know.

It did just happen, today in fact, I checked it out... well, I'm gonna go figure out what song I should kill myself to, see ya!

P.S. Design enthusiasts can see the branding package here> GO TIME!!

The Nissan Cube

This is a new "car" or something that Nissan has decided to poop out, just to see how dumb we all are. Don't get me wrong this car IS dope, it exudes hip-hop, street cred and all around... dopeness... again it's dope. Just look at the aggressive angles the car is parked at and that brick wall in the background... fucking forget it! Okay, all jokes aside it does have some really practical features; like the "Shag Dash Topper", it's a patch of shag carpeting that attaches to the top of your dashboard. There is also a "20-color interior accent lighting system", "Ripple Hooks" and "Door Handle Bungees". Their brouchure claims that; "Assymetry is where it's at. (yo) And the one of a kind wrap around window is only the begining." Ultimately, I believe Nissan's intention was to take a cool trendy nightclub / lounge where douche fucks hang out, and put wheels on it so the douche fucks can pop and lock all the way to after party. Also, I can't let this slide, on the website as it's loading it said "Cube is the new Black!"... really? what fucking marketing guru can up with that... fucking assholes, I hope you all get raped by bears.

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-07b

Was out cruising around on mi bicicleta last night, and as I approached this apartment complex I saw all this shit out on the lawn. It was pretty late like 11:15 or so, my only guess is that some woman went crazy about her man's infidelity or whatever and tossed all his shit out. For a minute I was gonna go looking through it to see if there was anything good, but I was on my bike so...

Cell Phone Pic - CDS5K-07a

I'm not 100% but I think this is a picture of a fortune cookie helping an elderly woman across the street. My heart break dances a little every time I see the compassion humans are capable of... er, I mean fortune cookies too.

More Food Stuff (Thoughts on a Food No.1)...

After my food blog testerday (that's what the name of the day is if it was yesterday and you had a test that day... "testerday", actually I just misspelled "yesterday"... are will still in parenthesise.. Oh shit we are, let's get out of here!!). Okay, so after seeing all that delicious fast food, I couldn't resist, I saw something called "McDonald's" last night and I gave it a shot. They had had a new menu item called the "Angus Third Pounder", I believe it's a Scottish themed burger. As I opened the box I was pleased to see it was wrapped in a edible kilt made of rice paper... no, it wasn't, but it should have been. Most fast food burgers are kinda gross and I always feeling like I'm dying about 5-10 minutes after eating it. The burger was actually really good though, I like that McD's was confident enough in the quality of the burger, unlike BK, they didn't have to throw onion rings and zesty-chipotle-extreme-bro-dude sauce all over it.

This is going to be an ongoing column on food review, keep in mind the rating scale is to be applied to the specific category in which the food exists. Like when I rate this burger out of 5, it's rated against other fast food burgers, not burgers in general, comprende?

That said, I'm putting the Angus Third Pounder (Bacon Chee) at 4 out of 5. I also asked for no pickles, so...

Fast Food > Fancy Food

BK Quiche (Fancy Croissan’wich & Biscuit)

• 1 Burger King Croissan’wich (with ham) meal, with hash browns and a coffee
• 1 Burger King Ham, Egg & Cheese biscuit meal, with hash browns and an orange juice
• 1 bottle of water

Spicy Chicken Sushi (Fancy Popeyes Chicken)

• 1 two-piece Popeyes Bonafide spicy fried chicken dinner (breast and wing), with a biscuit, a side of cole slaw, and a large Coke (no ice)
• 1 Loaded Chicken Wrap
• 1 large order of red beans and rice
• packets of Popeyes Louisiana hot sauce
• wasabi paste (for garnish)

Tacobellini (Fancy Burrito Supreme)

• 2 Taco Bell Burrito Supremes (beef)
• 1 beef soft taco
• 1 large Sierra Mist
• packets of mild, hot or Fire sauce (to your liking)
• parsley (for garnish)

McSteak & Potatoes (Fancy Big Mac)

• 1 McDonald’s Big Mac Extra Value Meal (#1) with a large fries and large Coca-Cola

Full Recipes Here

This MF'er is RIDICULOUS

Stumbled upon this feller on his bicycle, it's pretty awesome, watch it: