T.G.I.F.

Family Matter's was good, I think Karl was a Chicago cop, not sure tho.

Computer Death Experiment 5000

I made some business cards for CDS5000, basically the same as the title graphic of this bitch. They are blank on the back but along with the handwritten web address I wrote some funny things like; "Your Mother Sucks C@cks in Hell" or "Rape City 2009!"... No that's not accurate I wrote nice, curious things like; "Come to this place" or "Hello, This is a Place on the Internet, come to it". I had to go grocery shopping, so I brought only 10 with me and placed them around on shelves and in a couple magazines. If you are one of those people, I want to start by saying I'm sorry if anything here has offended you... I'm sorry. Hopefully you like this place and you will live here, maybe move in with me, and become very, very good friends... Like, best friends forever. You can have you own sleeping places, and I won't really watch you a lot when you sleep. We can probably have great dinner conversations, and maybe some light rough-housing after. The only form of payment I expect for rent is anything that has been a part of you, like fingernail clippings er, hair shavings er like maybe a band-aid with some of your blood on it. Geez, I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. That's all... This movie Push, fucking is terrible, Dakota Fanning is looking pretty hot tho... God Damn this is really bad, almost funny.

YouTube Fuckery

Hello, I like your shirt...

I added a new YouTube widget that you will find in the right column of CDS5000, I have it linked to some Between Two Ferns with Zack Galifinakis vids. Watch them and enjoi them (<---- that's how I am spelling "enjoy" now). I figured it would be a good way to share funny and/or disturbing things from YouTube without having a seperate post. Fuck off! wait no, I love you very much.

p.s. if you were not wearing a shirt when you read this, put one on... and clean yourself up you creapy dirtbag.

Computer Death Spells 5000

Remember that book/movie The Secret, where you wish for something super-duper hard and then you get it. I decided I'm gonna start my own VooDoo spells, who knows, I might even start my own religion, just to start getting shit done. Here is a short list of some of my new VooDoo Religion spells (Name of new VooDoo and Religion still in the works):

-The Enemy VooDoo Spell:
This is basically a spell to do "something" to someone who may have wronged you or just some fuck you wanna fuck with. The severity of this spell can involve anything from making someones nose itch to straight up killing a bitch, ya heard. If I wereyou, I would keep it minimal in severity, you don't wanna be fucking up your shit Karmically. Any way here is what you need to do. 1. Get a Guiness, Bleed an once of your own blood into the pint glass. 2. Imagine the face of your target as you chug the Guiness until empty without stoping. 3. Flip the pint glass upside down on a thin layer of dead leaves place a white candle on top of the glass and let it burn for 45 seconds to 1 minute. While the candle is burning think about tornadoes, earthquakes and shit like that 4. For the final step where you actually decide what will happen to said enemy, I decided to leave this step out. Ultimately it's bad news, and I'd like to reserve the right to kill people with spells only for myself. Since I am already fucked for some of the terrible things I've done in my life, it's fine for me to just keep plowing through, but stay pure children... don't smoke drugs. IF you would like to know though, I will sell it for a vial of the purchasers blood and some of their hair.

-The Unlimited Lives on Contra VooDoo Spell:
This is one of the oldest most sacred spells in the CDS religion and it is very powerful... do you like imortality? 1. Up, Down, Up Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A, B, Select, Start. This is to be done when jungle appears on demo screen.

-The Control Sharks with your mind VooDoo Spell:
I fucking LOVE sharks like... they're the best... they're my bros... I love them. I also like controling them with my mind head too! Heres how u do it. 1. You'll need a spoonful of sand, it's gonna get hard but... you've gotta eat that sand. 2. You'll also need a sharks tooth, I always have them on hand because I'm fucking crazy. Stick the tooth into the palm of your left hand. 3. Once you've had a nice pool of blood fill up in your palm, smear it down your face. 4. Bury the sharks tooth in the ground with an old G.I. Joe guy. 5. Your pretty much good to go, I suggest you fly to San Fran (hit up "Mavricks" Pointers kick it there a ton... a "pointer" is a Great White fag fuck!), or Cape Town, and skin dive with these prettys and put you shark control to use.

-The Raise The Dead VooDoo Spell: This is an oldy but goody. 1. Run a bath and crack 3 eggs into it, you will also want to add some dirt about 2 cups to the water. 2. Place 4 candles in each corner of the tub 2 blue 2 green, allow them to burn thoughout the process. 3. Submerse your body fully in the water and say this in your mind: "Stability in four corners, death is natures bad breath". 4. Continue to hold your breath until you start to see blue and yellow dots, now you should come up and breath some oxygen. 5. extigish each of the candles between your finger tips and cough each time you do. FYI: the dead person will not appear immeadiately, you will have a lucid encounter four days from the spell, in a subcoscious state. enjoi ;)

Be careful, I did a lot of trial and error runs with these, creating your own spells and religion is quite diffiCULT. This shit is totally real, I've done all of these because I told myself i needed to in a dream while we were fighting each other. BUT, they work so... I dunno, there are a lot more, I'll post more of them later. I Love You and I think we should get married.

Thoughts on a Movie No.3

I watched Lesbian Vampire Killers last night, you may or may not remember me witting about this movie a while back. My expectations were pretty high for this film, and I can't really say they were not met. Production quality was pretty damn solid, in no way did I feel like I was watching a low-rent, bullshit moving picture. Here's the Shits: A dude gets ditched by his girlfriend, and his chubby extroverted best mate just got canned, so they go get pissed at a pub.... Wait a minute, this IS Shaun of the Dead so far, like exactly, British accents and all! It's okay, I'll let it slide. They wanna go on holiday to go take their minds off shit but they're broke as shit (shit!). So Jimmy, the skinny one, says they'll go hiking wherever a dart lands on the pub's map. They end up hitting the road and head to this shit dick little countryside village called, like "Crenwich" or something. They're unaware of the terrible curse laid upon the village by a 17th century Lesbian Vampire Demon Queen (your standard "LVDQ"). They cross paths with a group a 4 ridiculous Dutch co-eds (two of which I'm sure work at Spearmint Rhino), who are studying folklore at university, and that's the reason they have come to the village. The group finds themselves in a small abandoned cottage in the forest being tormented by these lesbo vamps, and shit goes down, you know! I really don't want to spoil any more of the storyline here for you all so just go hunt it down yourself if you'd like to see it (or if you know your business you can get it here).

Ultimately, it was entertaining, I laughed, I cried, I even cleaned my living room and folded some clothes while it was on.

I'm gonna put it at a 3.5 out of 5. I'd say if you like any of the following things: Lesbians, Vampires or Killers. It might be in your best interest to take 85ish minutes out of you evening and see this movie.

Update from CDS5000's 1st Post

The very first post on this blog was about Bigfoot, I was surprised to find that there's a lot more BF activity than you might think, here are two stories form last month, both from Australia... The deliciously dangerous land of Bigfoot's.

April 21st, 2009 Darwin, Australia
A "Yowie" (Aussie for Bigfoot) was stalking a family inside their home, they were watching the movie XXX starring Vin Diesel as a Extreme Sports Athlete / Super Spy. The mother of the family went to the kitchen to make more popcorn after the film, the father got up and put in another movie, it was XXX: State of the Union, the sequel starring Ice Cube. The mother finished making popcorn and let the family dog (aptly named "XXX") outside. The Mother had a strange feeling of being watched and had thought she saw a large silhouette in the tree line of their yard, anxious to get back to the movie, she left the dog outside and made her way to the living room. The Yowie made his move, snuck up on the dog and ripped his head off.

proof>

April 15th, 2009 Leura, Australia
Ingrid Shlon 23, of Germany and Adi Hassan 22 of France, were backpacking in the bushland (I think it's safe to assume we are dealing with lesbos here). Ingrid put down here pack and decided to see where they were on the GPS. Adi slicked back her hair with a switchblade comb and lit up a Pall Mall. The simple-minded gentle was watching from the bushes, he become confused by the beeping gadget and the cigarette smell and decided he'd go rip their heads off. The backpackers screamed, Adi maced the giant, kicked him in the dork and he ran off into the woods.

proof>

Based off of these two recent BF encounters, it seems like they have been growing increasing fond of tearing heads off of things so watch out!

Easter Island Is A Cool

Work it... Oh yeah, I killed that guy yesterday...

Evil Brickhead... WTF?

Strange thing happened today, I was sitting at my desk pluggin' away and the phone rang. When I answered it the caller asked for "Evil", then specified (like i'm an idiot), "Evil... Evil Brickhead... From The Brickheads". So after hanging up the phone I went to my laptop computer and opened up the internet, from there I typed http://www.google.com/. So I entered the name and number that appeared on my caller ID and it brought up the persons full name and address. I decided today to become a serial killer that murders people who have the misfortune of accidentally dialing my phone number. My plan, as it stands now, is to drive to old 4##2 Forrest Ave. in Brookfield, IL after work today.... with a knife. I'll knock on the door dressed in my banana suit, and when someone answers I'll simply charm my way in and earn their trust. After a cup of tea and some polite conversation, I will reveal my edged weapon, say, "this is from Evil... Evil Brickhead." and stab the bejesus out of them. So, I'm very much looking forward to this social experiment I'm calling: The Brookfield Kill: Part Duex: Operation Dumbo Drop.

Shit's about to get real...

2008 Alcohol Consuption Map

Ireland is looking pretty tough...

Saving Private Ryan Intro

Here is proof that you can take even the most insanely intense battle scenes in cinematic history and make it pleasant by cutting it with "yakety sax"

Crypto Death News 5000

Sorry about the "island blogs", I alluded to writting while I was on vacation, I decided I'd rather just sit on the beach all fucking day an think about stuff. Okay, let's get back on track here, question; is it insulting that I called someone "a kitten of a man"? I was wrapping up a meeting and the client came up to me and was like "WHOOMPWHOOMPWHAAMP"(a la charlie brown), I was like "it was nice to work with you... you're a kitten of a man". Then I thought, "what the fuck was that? A KITTEN OF A MAN!" Next thing I know the dudes eyes start glowing and the room shook, I blacked out and when I came to, I found myself on a beach, and that's when I saw it... AGAIN!! The Montauk Monster has made another appearance, member a while back I posted an article about a freaky deaky, beak-faced creature that washed up on Long Island's shore? Is it real? Based on what I know and what I've done, I can say with absolute confidence, YES, this is indeed a monster of some kind. That's right, I've said it, Monster, they're real and they can get you. We're taught to believe at a young age that monsters aren't real, or that they're figments of our imagination, but no, they're very, very real. Many Scientists and other Cryptozoologists are having a hard time figuring out what the Montauk Monster is. The first time I saw the picture I knew what we were dealing with; a Turtle Faced Demon Genie. They're rare as fuck when it comes to monster's but we've already seen two in the past year, thank God these bitches were dead, cause we'd be fucked right now if those little buggers were alive when than hit the shore. Peace in tha Middle East ya bunch of queens!

This post and blog has been brought to you by Monster Energy, the official energy beverage of Computer Death Screen 5000 and monsters all over the universe.

Nazis on the Moon

Hello May!! Let's blog our balls off for the rest of the month! Yeah! Exclamation!!

Towards the end of World War II the staff of SS officer Hans Kammler made a significant breakthrough in anti-gravity.

From a secret base built in the Antarctic, the first Nazi spaceships were launched in late ‘45 to found the military base Schwarze Sonne (Black Sun) on the dark side of the Moon. This base was to build a powerful invasion fleet and return to take over the Earth once the time was right.

Now it’s 2018, the Nazi invasion is on its way and the world is goose-stepping towards its doom.

Here are some photos and artist renderings of the impending doom, and proof that this is for realz, (Iron Sky):