Morning Shower Beverages No. 6

Mango Guava Xyience Xenergy, I actually like this shit a lot, you can't find it everywhere though because Xyienxce, went bankrupted in the suppliment game. So it's pretty much what hasn't expiered and still on the shelves at this point, I wish I could buy a crate of this stuff, I love it, so much you ain't even getting any eye contact in this picture.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 5

Okay... This is getting a little old to me... But here's what I drank in the shower, whilst getting ready for work today. It's called "Nexcite", and I think it's like an energy beverage, from Sweden, but without Taurine and all the shit in my usual energy bevs like Rockstar, Red Bull or Monster that will make your heart explode.

FUCK YEAH SHARKS!

If you like Sharks as much as I do, this is good for wasting 5-10 minutes!

FYS - FUCK YEAH SHARKS

Fuckin Pigs Man!

So, last week (er 2 weeks ago) we were getting poisoned by crazy nurses, now pigs. Like I always say, "Pigs might be funny and delicious, but they're also dickheads." As I'm sure you know by now there is something going on in the Southwestern U.S. and parts of Mexico. I haven't seen to much news on it, but i did see a thing the WHO upgraded the thing to level 4 or something so, I don't know. Stay away from children would be my advice, if these little bugger's are unavoidable for you, get one of those SARS masks that were cool in China a while back. Actually, I always thought like you need the bug to make the meds, I mean I'm no doctor but. That being said head on down to Mex City and start smoochin' everyone you can!

I'm losing focus here a little, I think what has happened here is that Mexico was working on some Bio-Weapons and tested it in a "Control" Study. You're probably wondering why Mexico is working on weapons at all right now, THE RECONQUISTA!! I wrote about this some time ago, but it's basically Mexico's plan to retake the Southwest. But, I live in Chicago, we found this shit fair and square! You see no one was here when we set-up shop in the mid-west. The name "Chicago", if my research proves correct was a word made up to meaning "Take a Chance on Dance". In all seriousness, this shit does freak me out though, so I'm quarentining myself till this blows over, see you in a couple of months.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 4

I'm thinking about changing the name of the blog to "Computer Death Shower 5000", because it just seems to make more sense right now. This morning I enjoyed a Rockstar Roasted Coffee & Energy, during shower time. As I was chugging it down I thought I might be an interesting photo series to dress my privates up as famous historical figures. So, if I can convince my make up artist to do it, the readers of CDS5000 may get to see my penis dressed up as Alexander the Great this week, or maybe one of the dudes from The Sugar Hill Gang, or maybe just Heathcliff the cat, we'll see. Don't judge me, and don't pretend you don't act out plays in the shower with you dingies. I will be attending therapy for the first time ever pretty soon so.... It's gonna be okay... We're all gonna be alright.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 3

It's Friday, the weather is awesome, this morning was awesome, I drank a Propel in the shower, it was awesome, strawberry-kiwi I believe. Tomorrow I'm gonna go beat up my mountain bike, and some ninja wizards. I'm enjoying the "Morning Shower Beverages", hopefully I can keep it going... It's soooooo hard though, you have no idea. Anyway, Fuck You guys, I'm outta here.

Quick Dream Recap No. 4

I remember almost nothing from last nights dream except for the fact that I was dating Sarah Silverman. She was kind of a bitch though, in the dream, she reads my blog pretty often so I don't want her to think CDS5000 thinks she's actually a bitch, she might be though. Most of it was set in some kind of festival setting. In a seperated part of the dream, a demon was bouncing around from person to person, it jumped into a dog, like a little shit terrier of somekind, and it started biting the shit out of my hands, they got all scarred up and bloody it was pretty Gnar.

Quick Thoughts... on some stuff

Opposite Marriage... She should of thrown in "on opposite day", to keep all parties confused and indifferent.

That woman from American Idol (British Version) looks like a character from Faulty Towers (If you get that reference you're cooler than you can possibly imagine... The foundation of British comedy is to have a man dress up as a women).

I watched Mitchell Hurwitz's "Sit Down and Shut Up", and couldn't get into it, aside from a great voice over cast, nothing can live up to the brilliance that was Arrested Development.

Parks and Recreation (the show) is cool only because of Aziz, other than that it's a different office, up to the same shennanigan's.

Bo Jackson opened up his own bank in Burr Ridge, This is where Skynet begins motherfucker's, that dude is half Terminator, and I don't trust dudes like that, I just don't.

If your trying to get some chicas to come with you to a second location don't say this: "Come on, it's not like I'm gonna kill you... on purpose", 9 times out of 10 they won't think it is a funny as you do.

I thought a shadow person was looking over me in my bed last night, but it was the reflection of the candle light behind a bottle of water, terrifying nightmares ensued.

That's it, fer now.

Marijuana: An Evil bitch of a Mutha, The Movie

I'm sorry, it's not a movie, I just feel the need to be more grandiose in the title of these gay ass blog-sickles. Not to say I wouldn't see this film if it were real... put a Kurt Rambis looking main character in there, and say like a cool, good actress like Catherine Keener and you've got yourself a winner. I don't know though, we probably need some kinda trippy dream sequence where Kurt's character is fighting a bunch of criminal's in his old house he was born in.... but it's not really the house and he's kind of in the air above it... and the criminals are actually random people he went to high school with... but they are made of chocalate... and even though his fists don't work and he can't scream, he can just eat them. Yeah, now we're talking! That being said, I was sitting around last night watching TV and kinda wishing I had some pot. But, ultimately I'm glad I didn't because as much as I think I'd like some, I remind myself why I stopped to begin with, It makes me super paranoid. Not paranoid like I think people are coming to get me, but I get in my own head about random crazy bullshit. Like maybe something I said in a conversation like a week ago, I'll be like, "Should I call them and apologize"? Then I'll be like, "No, that would be wierd". Then I'll be like, "Fuck! I hope no one calls me right now, because they'd think I was wierd". Then the phone would ring and I'll be like, "Fuck! This IS wierd". Then the phone goes to voicemail and I'm like, "Fuck, it's weird that I didn't answer". Then I'l be like, "I'm just gonna eat these Cheetos and go to sleep." So in closing, I decided it was good that I didn't have any pot last night. bye!

OTIS Elevator Trick

I was listening to a radio show this morning and Patton Oswald shared a cool trick with the listeners. Apparently if you hit the door close button and the floor number you want at the same time it will go directly to that floor skipping all floors selected in the elevator and the suckers on the floors between waiting to get on. I looked into this on the internet and it there's a lot of stuff about it, so remember, it has to be an OTIS elevator. There is one downside, it's a really big risk for minimal reward, the risk being that if done improperly it brings you to the top floor and then free falls to you imminent death. Is it worth it to take the chance... I say yes, every time.

Morning Shower Beverages No. 2

Hello pistol pandas!, this morning I drank an energy drink in the shower, it was "Red Jak Sugar Free", weird name I know, but it was BOGO at the grocery store so... My morning routine has gotten slightly out of control. TV shows and beverages in the shower, a gram of cocaine mixed with gunpowder, then I usually wrestle and sexually assault a badger (pound for pound the meanest animal on the planet, fyi). All in all, it does get you up and moving. Come to think of it my lifestyle, as it is right now, is kinda Robert Downey Jr.-esque (the loco years), now I just have to wait for my Iron Man, Tropic Thunder or Soloist to come along. Until then I'm just gonna continue to imagine myself as a Viking Terminator, riding a bulletproof tiger, through a Prehistoric forest of lightning. Oh, and coming soon "CDS5000 - Island Blogs"!!!

All Aboard the Pirate Bandwagon, Toot, Toot!

As most of you probably know I have been getting pumped up about Pirates my whole life, even before the media and television jumped all over them. Really though, I don't think people would have been as intrigued by the recent news stories, had we not romanticised the term "Pirate", I mean, we could just as easily called them "Water Terrorists" or "Terrorists H20, directed by Rob Zombie". Regardless, I've been following the story over the past few days and like most of the people I know, found it pretty captivating. So, today I get to work fire up my rig, and front page of Yahoo! say's more Pirate shenanigans. Now it's time for the media to start devouring everything Pirate related until there is nothing left. I even saw a little blurb about Spike TV, already pitching a show called Pirate Hunters: USN, the day this fiasco began. The show will follow two USN Warships around heavily pirated waters, documenting their stories. So, I came up with a few more we could rattle off to the networks:

• Dancing with the Pirates


• Pirate or no Pirate


• America's Next Top Pirate


• Who Wants to be a Pirate


• Real Pirates of the OC


• Real World: Pirate Ship


• Amazing Pirate Race


• My Super Sweet 16 Year Old Pirate


• Extreme Pirate Makeover


• The Pirate Apprentice

More Easter Randomness...

LOST

I really liked the the show a lot at first, like obsessively liked it, like more than a friend. When Season 5 started up again I watched the first couple episodes and in the begining I was like this:


Now, I haven't watched any other eps from this season and my feeling towards the show are more like this:

This is another one of those things that I will definately flip-flop on because I have a DVR filled up with every episode from this season... That's right I said DVR, it's an extra $5.99 a month, but it's no big whoop, that's how I get down, DVRs, Text Messaging, Cold and Hot water. As you can see, I do NOT "f" around. Meanwhile everyone else I know is still... totally stupid. Have a nice day, even though I'm definately posting something else today because we should be off today, but are not, and I checked out the second I walked through the door.

He Will Rise!!!

Puppies are Great... The Song!

Puppies are great, They'll make you happy.

Puppies are great, go ask your pappy.

Puppies are great, they're dancing in tea cups.

Puppies are great, don't call them pee pups.

Puppies are great, this ones bilingual.

Puppies are great, dunnah-nah-nah-nah.

BOOM, I just just wrote that shit right now, fuck all y'all pussies!

Adorable, Uplifting and Super Cute!

Because the killer nurse is sad, sick and depressing here is a puppy in a coffee cup.

Actually, this is the World's Smallest Dog, His name is "Tom Thumb", he is 1/3 the size of a Guinea Pig and weighs just a few ounces. Wow! that's super cute Don, Super Cute!

Collective, Yuck, Yuck, Yuck.

Killer Nurses... (from Outer Space!!)

Okay they're not from outer space, I thought it would spice it up a little, Lufkin, Tx. is where this shit went down. Now, I realize we all fantasize about taking the life of another human, standing over them sucking out their life force... Watching the glow of their aura flicker and dim. But, not all of us are supposed to have these thoughts, like nurses, that's the opposite of what they should be fantasizing about. Nurses should be thinking about hacky sacking, frisbee golf, parking lot grill cheeses, choice nugs and when Phish is gonna be playing next (nurses are hippies, and being a hippie is the opposite of a killer... with the exception of Charlie Manson, he was hippieish, but then he nulified that by getting a swastika tatted on his face, what are we talking about again?). A lady nurse who was working at a Dialysis center, was going around pretending she was the Angel of Death and injecting patients with bleach. Fucked up, right? Why bleach? She killed 5 people and then another 5 got really sick but didn't die. The descriptions I read decribe this as being a (and I quote), "Super-Duper, Painful Ass, Muthafuckin' Way to Die!" So that being said, not sure if merciful euthenasia was her M O here, just a sick, unstable person doing what they do, while blending into society until they kill 5 people. It's scary, I don't trust anyone anymore and am growing increasing paranoid by the second.

Oh!! Zomber Jesus is a coming pretty soon! But it's cool because he just wants to watch you search for colorful eggs and eat cakes shaped like lambs.

I'll try to think about something more Up to blog about next. THX.

iPhone Pics No. 3

Haven't really had a whole lot to write about in the past few days, but April is starving for some content so here's a couple of iPhone pics. Maybe I should buck up and get one of the "photography" apps for like $2.99 so all the pictures don't look like a cup of urine sitting in a bowl of vomit. Anyway here are some things. Once I've come up with a solid pilot storyline for the new Jack the Ripper sitcom, I'll put it out here. G.T. your get credit on the show's name, but I don't wanna release that until the first episode is in the books. Also, I don't wanna use your real name since you are such an abomination as a human being... I hope you get attacked by a swarm of bees this summer and then fall into a lake of fire and poo (JK about the bees, your okay in my book).

I've never been much of a numbers man so I decided to put the old brain box to work for a while and see what I could come up with.

I saw this at Jewel-Osco (The Jewel), It was very tempting and I just realized why. This is yet anther ploy by Satan to control my soul by tricking me with Fried Chicken and Pizza.

Here I am anxiously awaiting the results of my Bi-Weekly (ha, "bi", no pun intended) AIDs test. "Grip it and Rip it" is my new approach to these tests... translate that however you'd like.

p.s. I really need an editor if anyone is interested your pay will be as follows: 150 Roses for a 1/2 hour, and 225 Hugs for 1 hour... Just like the prostitutes on Craigslist, because that's what you are... an internet prostitute... and if you play your cards right the editor of CDS5000.

Help Protect our Boarder...

By sitting on your ass all day long and staring at your computer screen. I came upon a web site called BlueServo, basically the Texas Border Sheriff's Coalition, has put up a bunch of cameras in areas of high drug trafficking and generally popular places for Illegals to sneak in. I got to work this morning watched a river it for about 30 seconds, saw nothing and called it a day, I'm hanging up my spurs, protecting the Texas (Tejas) border is too stressful, exhausting and flat out dangerous. So yeah, I served my country, now I'm gonna retire, got myself a little cabin on the lake, me and Hannah can live out the rest of our days happy and safe from the dangers of Mexicans. I'll wake up every morn to the fresh smell of flapjacks and maple syrup, grab my fishin' rig and head out for the day searching for the big one. When I return home from trolling the lake, I see the front door is slightly ajar. As I push the door making my way into the cabin it creaks and I see a trail of blood leading to the bathroom. Hannah hasn't responded to any of our secret bird calls, and I'm certain the blood must lead to her lifeless corpse. Standing in front of the bathroom door, I take a deep breath, adjust my man parts, cock the hammer of my Remminton Pietta .44 and kick that shit down. Screaming at the top of my lungs I fired all six rounds with my eyes closed decimating anything in my way. The smoke clears and I see nothing, there's a small pool of blood on the floor and the window has been broken. No sign of Hanna, in the distance I can hear something... No... please God No! It's a Mariachi band playing Canta y No Llores. Just then I begin to focus on my other senses, I can smell tequila, and my eyes catch a small piece of torn pancho fabric in the broken window frame. They took her... The Mexicans took my Hannah...

All I can say is DON'T let a Drunken, Pancho wearin' Mariachi band ruin your retirement. Lend a hand protecting the border. In the immortal robitic female voice of the BNSF Metra Rail, "If you see something, say something"

If you'd like to help protect the border, or at least stare at a river for while, you can do so here:
BlueServo