iPhone Pics No. 2

Nothing special but, here are some more crappy cellphone pics:

I polished a 12-pack, took some muscle relaxers and decided to go for a drive

Hmmmm, not so much, huh?

I don't know why, but I love this... Really? That's the best you can do?

Spy Sharks

Before I get into this post, I was doing some thinking in the shower the other day, as I do from time to time. But, I was thinking about how scary sharks are and what would be a way to make them even scarier. I came up with a couple of things to make this happen. 1. If sharks had arms, that would increase their scary factor by 50%. 2. If sharks could like roar, bark or scream this would make them another 50% more scary. Bringing their new scary factor to 500% (if my math is correct). On the internet I stumbled upon an article that talks about the Pentagon using sharks as "spies". Now that's scary, sharks in tuxedos, drinking martinis, driving Austin Martins and speaking in the British language... Fuck all of that for certain! Hey Pentagon, while your at it, why don't we teach Werewolves karate and teach Vampires how to rape sneakily. Jeez, I mean are y'all fuckin' crazy? The idea is to put implants into the brains of sharks, that would allow them to be controlled remotely. Then the remote controlled shark could track enemy vessels without being noticed. For the record this technology is way closer than you might think, scientists have already been able to control the movement of smaller fish, rats and monkeys.

Cambodian Stegasauruses

This past weekend a visitor at the Ta Prohm Temple in Cambodia noticed an intricate carving on the temples wall. We've all heard the stories about how the dinosaurs all died millions of years ago because of a climate change or meteorite or my favorite theory, they all died in an "Every Dino for Themselves Brawl" or "EDTB". Some people seem to think that small populations of dinosaurs made it through the "Dino Doomsday", surviving in isolated deep forests. The carving in question here seems to be depicting the Stegosaurus, who is best known for having a platy back, spiky tail and being a vegetarian. The temple was built by the Khmer civilization which was around from about 800 AD to 1400 AD. Conventional science says that the species died out around 155 million years ago, and was mostly kicking it pretty hard in North America. So here's the thing, people now are wondering if these dudes were around during the Khmer civilization reign. Who knows, I mean here's a picture I just drew of a Stegosaurus on a skateboard, that doesn't mean that there are a bunch of Skateboarding Stegosauruses outside, I mean there are, but not because I drew it. Here are the pictures:

Quick Dream Recap No.3

Good Morning, I had a crazy dream last night but the sequencing is gonna be all fucked up. I guess I'll start on the "party plane", it was basically like a booze cruise in the sky. The whole environment was like a swanky lounge with a lot of red lighting and most of the other peeps on the plane were like European or Russian or something. I remember taxiing around the tarmac the plane seemed really rickety and not super safe but I (and my new found euro-trash compadres) was/were having a blast and didn't really care. All the drinks and booze was like falling off tables and glass was breaking as we took off but no one really seemed to care, most people were just laughing and yelling, everyone on the plane was hammered. I think I was on my way to Belgium to visit Christoper in the dream but had to return. FLASH to next dream, I was at a ski resort, snowboarding around with my sister trying to help her out and teach her a little. (I was much younger in this part of the dream like 15 probably). Anyway it was cool because we got to the Half-Pipe in the park and they were all doing this sort of half-pipe jousting thing... HOLY SHIT! I just had a flash back in the Nintendo game "Skate or Die" there was something like this. Anyway, so yeah I shredded up these suckers, after all it was MY dream, and they were in MY subconscious so who do you think is gonna win! Then there were like these kidnappers who like took my sister away, I dunno, It all got very hazy after that. There are a couple of other things I know were involved in the dream, like: Kickboxing, Huge Dogs, like Mastiffs or something, There was some kind of other dimensional type of thing going on and there was also a weird family reunion where living and dead members of my family were playing Rockband!! wtf... what's wrong in my noodle? me thinks it's broken :(

That's all, p.s. I'm sitting in bed writing this waiting for some clothes to dry and there is a coughing sound coming from the walls. Apparently there is some guy just hanging out in front of my house coughing. I have pretty thin walls so I hear everything outside it's annoying. SO... Happy unofficial St. Patrick's day I'm gonna go kill that guy with this hammer.

Black Cats, Broken Glass and Fruit Cocktail

I almost forgot that it's a superstitious day today, so be careful!!... There s danger lurking around every corner, statistically more people get AIDs (Auto-Irotic (Erotic) Dancing Slip - and falls) and die today than any other day of the year! Since I know most of you are a bunch of fruit cocktail eatin', sons of... Oh, wait! Also you win a prize if you can find Jason in the post card below, click it to make it bigger for your eyeballs, it's not hard, he's there. AND... this is the 13th post of the month, so fuck it, I'm staying in tonight, to scared, plus I get to start boozing at 10 a.m. tomorrow (milking St. Patrick's day for as long as I can), so it's probably for the best. Good luck everyone... Hope you all make it through the night only about 8ish hours and we're in the clear, stay tough, stay fit and eat lots of asparagus. and go fuck yourselves, dorks.

Books are Great... I'm Great... I'm Making a Book for Fun

Here are the two cover options I am thinking about right now, I like the lighter one because I think it's classier and well...

Option No.1

Option No. 2

Super Important Thoughts from the Shower No.1

This morning I was doing my normal routine of just standing in the shower motionless, not moving, just taking comfort underneath the warmth of my shower head. I've recently started to watch TV in the shower, which is great because my ultimate goal in this life is to be able to watch TV at all times of the day, no matter what. So I had my iPhone up on the window sill in my shower and I was watching a recent Conan O'Brien show with Bab Saget. Anyway, I started thinking about bugs randomly and decided that bugs (insects) are tools that Aliens use to keep tabs on us. Bugs are like little Alien surveillance cameras / annoying jerks. Think about it, bugs are everywhere, even if you don't see them, they're there, ants, spiders, moths, flys. The more I thought about it, I figured out that different bugs have different jobs, for example Mosquitos collect blood samples to bring back to Klormax-12 (or whatever you wanna call it) to run tests. That's why we, as people, when we see'em our instincts are to smoosh'em, because we know, even though we "don't", that they are up to something. I urge you all to continue to "Smoosh" any and all bugs you see. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about the intentions of the Aliens, but I don't trust those dudes. There is a slight chance I'll flip-flop on that feeling in the coming days / weeks. Bye.

Get'em While They're Hot!*

Hey, I am now in the passport business so if your looking for a passport (specifically a Palestinian passport), I'm you hook-up. Right now I only have the means to make passports from this country. If you'd like to bounce around the world and do some fucked up, dangerous spy-type shit, they're available for $3,000.00. Note that this price also includes a Palestinian Keffiyeh to help your new identity be more convincing and your choice of a lamb, beef, chicken, goat or turkey Shawarma. Thanks.

*Disclaimer: Dear government, for the record I am not, I repeat not making and selling fake Palestinian passports, so nothing to worry about here... Or is there... No nothing to be concerned about, I swear I am telling the truth... Or am I... I am. Wait, now I don't even know.

iPhone Pics No. 1

Hello, I am gonna try and remember to take pics where ever I am of things that are amusing to me. Since I won't always have my camera with me, I'll just use the iPhone camera, because it is surgically attached... LITERALLY, I found a doctor in Guadalajara that did the risky procedure for $35 (American).

Burning calories with my buddy... Satan.

Just when you start to think you're the biggest douche ever, someone proves you wrong.

I misplaced a steak I was gonna defrost, it took me like 10 minutes to find.

Me Sighing and Shaking My Head....

So, remember a little while back when I posted the 911 call about the chimp literally tearing a women apart. That would be an example of "proper" 911 use. Let's say you go to a fast food restaurant and they are out of what it is you'd like to order. What do you do, call 911, right? Wrong, that would be and an example of "improper" 911 use. But what happens if you call, not once... not twice... but thrice... This would qualify you as being, straight up, fucking legitimately stupid (I was gonna say "retarded", but have been trying to put the kibosh on using that term). Anyhow, this happened yesterday or the day before. The 27 year-old boner now must appear in court for misuse of 911. It happened in Florida which ain't very surprising either, so here are the three recorded phone calls of a stupid person grossly misusing emergency response systems:

Call No. 1:


Call No. 2:


Call No. 3:

Quick Dream Recap No.2

I found myself on a very large shipping/cruise ship, where I was kind of like a stowaway. The ship was packed and we all seemed to be refugees with some kind of mass exodus. There was a large surplus of produce and food rations in the cargo area, even a large garden where things were being grown. It was a little like a commune on a big ass boat. The ship had 3 large areas that I can remember. A cargo/supply/garden area, the fountain room and a huge theatre/gathering room. The fountain room was really cool everything was old and had vegetation growing all over it, and people seemed to enjoy this room, they were climbing the vines and sitting in the large trees. The fountain itself was old and ornate. The scale and resemblance reminded me of the old Chicago water tower. At one point everyone gathered in the large theatre/gathering room, to listen to this omnipresent "leader" of the boat, who was being projected as a hologram. I don't remember anything it said but I seem to think it (the "leader") was feminine. Right about this time the ship capsized and everyone started going crazy. At one point I saw two girls fighting and the one was smashing the others head against the ground, I pulled her off and she tried to stab me with a screwdriver. I took the screwdriver from here and remember looking down at it and remembering it was a flathead. I don't really remember too much structurally of the dream, but there was also some pink millipedes and a Hot Rod modeled after an old steam engine train. The only rational explanation for this is that I was abducted by aliens last night.

Me Thinks This Should Be Good...

Okay, so I'm super busy this week, rollin' solo at the office, but I stumbled upon this and just wanted to make a few of you aware of the fact that this is indeed a movie and not a joke. After watching the trailer it seems like kinda a Shaun of the Dead rip, but I don't care I'm sure it will be entertaining so this is something I'm looking forward to checking out. Below is the trailer if you'd like a preview.

Some Cool Prints I Just Made

Here are some things I just made for some new wall art en mi casa, I've been slowly trying to get a vintage horror film thing going on. Justa side note too, if your looking for some "cool" wall art for your domain, lemme know because I will hook you up, I am fucking cool like that. Oh, and Brian, I haven't forgot about the "Husler Vignette" prints, I will get those goin for you soon.

These Guys are Evil

I was thinking about the Jonas Brothers today at work, I don't know why, but whatever I don't know why I waste my time thinkin' bout anything at all, since we're all just an alien science project. So the Jonas Bros., I was like just who exactly are these a-holes, and what kinda freaky deaky shit and skeletons do these guys have in their closet. No one gets as famous as them without doing some very bad things, so I dedicated some time to digging up some dirt on these three young "gentlemen". The teen pop/rock trio consists of three brothers, Kevin, Joe and Nick, I don't know what their ages are, all somewhere between 13-19 I think. Here are some of the things I do know though: There was a fourth Jonas Brother, but Kevin killed him in a drunk driving accident, after he stole his dad's car and crashed it into a baby hospital (the story on the streets say Trevor didn't actually die in the crash, but Kevin shot him 14 times during an argument after the crash). Joe has a severe meth/pain killer addiction, I think he got Miley Cyrus preggers, but the baby didn't take because he crashed his car into a puppy store after a 72 hour drug binge, while Miley was riding shotgun. Nick is responsible for the untimely death of an entire teeball team. He got all hopped up on booze and weed, stole a Yukon from his hair stylist, and crashed all over a baseball field. So, right of the bat you have all three of these monsters involved in alcohol/drug related automobile fatalities. The Trio is banned in South America, where they denounced Catholicism and all other forms of organized religions during an encore performance of "I Am What I Am". Joe ended the debacle buy admitting to Devil worship and throwing a mixture of blood and semen on the audience in the first few rows. All three of these guys are certifiable, grade A, fuck ups, and if you ever see one (or God help you all three) on the streets, run away, far and fast. Some of you may remember I used to hang out with these dudes like this past November, but it was terrifying, every second seemed like an eternity and one of them tried to chloroform and eat me. So yeah.

Probably the Best Show on TV

So yeah, I've been eagerly anticipating the last couple of Sundays so I can watch, what I feel is the funniest show on TV right now, Eastbound and Down. The basic story is like this, A white trashy, sort of naive, racist, asshole, skyrockets to fame, after winning the World Series as a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. Very shortly after his meteoric rise, his ego gets the best of him and he is bounced around the league a bit the eventually dropped. He finds himself in his home town, broke as shit, living with his brother, his wife and two kids. After settling in he gets a job as a middle school PE teacher. There have been three episodes so far, each one has been stellar, the only thing I don't like about the show is the episode run time (which is like 25ish minutes), it's to damn short and not long enough (that's what she said, btw). Here are some links I have found for you all, because I'm cool like that and as you may or may not know "master" at the internet.

Episode 1

Episode 2 (still looking for this one)

Episode 3

I would put it at a 5

1, horribly bad
2, bad... but not horrible
3, eh... tolerable, could be better
4, good, you should check this out
5, awesome, Christ-Like, check this or we are no longer friends

Some Stuff I'll Be Covering...

-Glen Danzig's Rock of Love
-The Jonas Brothers X
-Dolphins Employed by the Military
-Midnight Meat Train/Friday the 13th/My Bloody Valentine 3D
-Handle Bar Mustaches
-Eastbound and Down X

Mexico... More like Deathico

Because apparently people are getting killed as fuck down there right now. The State Department issued a new travel warning for Mexico on Friday, urging Americans to use caution not just in border areas but also in tourist resorts because of increasing violence. Scary things like, robberies, homicides, petty thefts and carjackings have been steadily increasing over the past few years. There is even some "personapping" going on (why the fuck people be sayin "kidnapping" when people be getting stolen, that's stupid, plus usually sleeping is not really involved in the art of "kidnapping"). Oh my name is Mikey by the way, and if you don't know me and just stumbled upon this article, I'm kind of an idiot. Another bogus thing stupid American tourists are getting themselves caught in the middle of is, battles between Mexican military and well-armed drug cartel gangs. Here is a tip that they are telling Americans traveling to Mexico to help keep themselves safe: "only visit legitimate business and tourist areas during daylight hours, and avoid areas where prostitution and drug dealing might occur". I'm sorry but I guess I have no reason to go to Mexico, literally the only thing interesting about Mexico is getting involved in some shady business. Prostituting is pretty cool, and so is purchasing drugs from that one guy with the lazy eye and half of a thumb in the bathroom of a cantina in Puerto Vallarta when I was 18. Actually, isn't that why people go to Mexico in the first place? For that rush of stabbing a coke dealer and then high-fiving with you drunk friends later on back at the resort's pool bar. I dunno, maybe its just me, here is another fucking gem of a tip from the state department: "U.S. citizens who believe they are being targeted for kidnapping or other crimes should notify Mexican officials and the nearest American consulate or the Embassy as soon as possible, and should consider returning to the United States". Thank you... thank you very much for that, and for all of the other very obvious solutions you've been providing. I'm gonna see if I can find some more details about why all of the sudden the State Department feels the need to issue a travel advisory. Mexico has always had a bit of a dangerous reputation, no? Yes, I believe it has. So talk to you later you bunch of queers!