Terryfying Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

I hate to sound like a broken record but I can't stop thinking about that monkey attack that recently happened (I know it was a chimp technically but "monkey" sounds better to me). Seriously I will never be able to think of monkeys as anything but straight up assholes, fuck those guys, and their little space suits. Anyway, in the wake of "Monkey Mayhem" I figured it would be a good idea to go over some other terrifying animals that just generally creep the poop outta me. Obviously there are a lot of things we should all fear very much people are to "happy-go-lucky" these days. Stop it! right now and remember to be afraid... Of everything. If you don't have any fear or are afraid of nothing, fuck you first of all and see my "no fear" post. Here is a short list of some things to be afraid of, oh and don't forget about monkeys!!

1. The Tasmanian Tiger:
2. Pistol Shrimp:


3. Goblin Shark:


4. Chinese Giant Salamander:


5. Flying Snake:


6. Humboldt Squid:

Quick Dream Recap No.1

I was in Korea, walking around this really cool market. Walked into this one store where everything was really cheap. Picked up some skull things that I was gonna buy for $1 each. Saw this huge life-sized portrait of Kim Jong Il, that was signed and had some official looking document inside the frame as well. I asked the store clerk about it insisting that I needed it. It was $400 and apparently in my reasonable (dream) logic, figured I couldn't afford it on my travel budget. After being disapoint the store clerk informed me that the had 2 of Kim Jong Il's belts for $35 each, and I decided to go that route. Also it should be known that Tomas was in the dream and he was walking around the store holding a rubber snake. That is all.

Disturbing... But... Well, You be the Judge

I'm sure some, or most of you have heard of the unfortunate woman who had her hands bitten off and her face ripped off by a 200 lb, former Old Navy commercial star chimpanzee. I've heard several news radio stories about this story, but haven't read anything in print or on the web so here it is as I understand it. So a 70-something woman living in Conn. or something had a 200 lb., 14 year-old pet chimpanzee, who had appeared in commercials and TV shows. The woman raised the chimp and treated it as a member of the family, it would eat at the table, dress itself and even use the computer (for what I don't know). Apparently the chimp had been agitated earlier that day so the woman gave it some tea with some Xanax, in it to calm it down. Keep in mind this wasn't "Chimp Xanax", and the lady was playing pharmacist to a wild fucking animal. Also, I learned that on of the common side affects of Xanax (in humans) is aggression, so... The woman's friend came over, and she had meet "Travis" many times, but upon arrival the chimp snapped and proceeded to rip the woman's face off and (apparently) "bit her hands off". I'm not totally surprised I've heard of a story a while back where one of these little guys flipped out bit off a guys fingers and... wait for it... ripped off and ATE his penis. Clearly these things are not to be trusted. Just as a rule of thumb, stay away from animals that have been known to "snap" and rip peoples faces off, not matter how cute they might look in a diaper and a cowboy hat. Anyway, the woman who was attacked is in "critical condition" and sustained "life changing" injuries. All that being said I'd like you to listen to the 911 recording just to give you and idea of what went down.

Crazy Chimp Attack and Retarded 911 Dispatcher


So yeah, it's fucked up and really sad, there was a couple of things I couldn't help but laugh at, (I was talking about it with some people and as I was telling the story, we'd start laughing and then do the thing where you're like, "seriously though we shouldn't be laughing right now"). Like when she says "The chimp killed my friend" and the fucking retard replies "what's wrong with you friend", this dude should be taking your order at Arby's not trying to dispatch authorities in emergency situations. Another thing, I understand this must be a stressful situation, but if you call the police, you don't have to tell them to "bring guns", it's a package deal, they already come locked and loaded even if your just getting a speeding ticket. I feel like when she said that it just further confused the situation. In the end the woman had to stab it with a butcher knife and hit it with a shovel and the cops gunned it down after that. Oh and to top it all off PETA is mad at the cops and the woman has even received death threats from animal rights activists.. go fuck yourselves, what would you do if you friend, or shit lets say child was getting its face ripped off! You just go over and give it a fucking hug? Seriously fuck you PETA, you do more harm than good, I'm beginning to think. I like animals just as much as the next person and probably more, but come on get your priorities in order!

Oregon Trail

I'm sure most of you remember playing this game on your old shitty computers in grade school, but it was awesome. There was probably a phase during my grade school career at Old St. Joe's where playing "The Oregon Trail" was like totally the highlight of my day, that or cutting myself behind the curtins on the stage, down in "parrish hall". Oh shit, "hot lunch" was pretty great too, unless you forgot it was hot lunch.. because everyone thought you were poor then :(. I'm going off on a tangent here. For the time this tasty little son-of-a-pistol was actually really entertaining, but, I'm trying to remember why exactly. I guess it was cool to hunt like bears, deer and squirrels. Another fun aspect was gambling with the river forge, sometimes you make it, sometime you don't. Sometimes for no good reason your wife or child would die of dysentery, or some other kind of old-timey disease, or if I remeber correctly you could just watch them all starve to death. So the big news here and reason I am writting about a computer game that is so many years removed from my life is.... IT'S COMING BACK... FOR YOUR iPHONE! Yeah on Febuary 28th you'll be able to purchase the new version of this classically badass game for your iPhone, I just thought you all should know. Below is a screen capture of the new version.

Here's My Best Facebook Impression...

So as I stated earlier, I recently joined Facebook and have been on that thing for about a month now, and I have to admit, it's not all that bad. It's a really great way to just drop in on someone's "eLife" and say hello or just snoop around a little. You feel a little like a weirdo looking at peoples stuff, but then again, if they didn't want you to see it they wouldn't have "friended" you, right? Whatever, it's cool I guess, but there is some gayness to it, but we live in a world where I can find "gayness" in just about anything. Oh, and if you are a lesbian or homosexual, please don't be offended when I refer to things as "gay", it's just the way I came up, I like gay people, not like you, like I wanna be gay with you, but platonically, I like you all that way.


So here is my impersonation of Facebook, ready here it goes:

"Na, I'm married, look at my kids, Na, look how much fun I have with my friends Na!"

HOLY SHIT!!!

I just realized it's almost CDS5000's 1st B-Day, I can't believe it's almost been a year. Where does the time go?

Chewy Truth Nuggets

As a race (the human race), we are one, however, within the "human race" we are composed of many different races or ethnicity's, I should say. The are a lot of common stereotypes that are associated with each ethnicity. Today I would like to replace stereotypes with fact, 100% truth, in this blog called "Chewy Truth Nuggets". I decided to focus on ethnicity's that are not as common as some of the others, like how we all know Jews are rich and love bagels or how Puerto Ricans always have a switchblade on them. So here it is and remember none of this is meant to be offensive, because all I am doing here is providing you all with the truth.

- Greeks: Are born without pee holes, or urethras, and they always do that duckbill thing with Pringles. Furthermore, Santorini is actually the birthplace of our beloved Pringles! Do you guys like Pringles? Because I do!... Pringles! Word on the street is that pringles are actually flamable, I'd test it out right now but alas, I am Pringleless :( Also, Greek people invented slivers, and no one likes slivers! Booooooooo!

- Venezuelans: Their unuasually slippery bones are made up of about 70% rainbow candy canes, after you skin and gut one, you can totally eat him/her! Unfortunately we live in a world where it is illeagal and frowned upon to harvest Venezuelans for their delicious bones. Think about it, when is the last time you had one of those tasty rainbow candy canes?... Oh, about a month and a half ago... Well that's because of the "Grey" market, it falls short of the "Black" market because people don't care enough about protecting this delicacy, but on the surface, they would probably not approve. My head hurts.

- Turks: They don't know about monkeys or the internet, and if they ever saw either one, they would freak the fuck out. In related news, let's say you are cornered in a dark alley with a bunch of angry Turks. If you don't relax and do the following, you'll probably end up looking like a Kabob (they eat Kabobs, Right?). Okay, get down on one knee and pretend that you're Karl Malone, BUT if they ask, you are actually Moses Malone. Lastly, all you need to do is stare them in the eyes and say, "What is this the Brige and Tunnel crowd?", nervously laugh as the gang parts and lets you pass.

- Chileans: Don't ever sleep in the same bed as a Chilean because they are sleep ticklers... Also they are sleep poopers, and boarderline violent pillow humpers. At puberty they get Cyborg arms, lose their ability to swim and will encourage you to "get gay with them". Also, if you order "Chilean Sea Bass" in a restaurant, you're probably not getting the real deal. You see the Chileans have been hording all of their Sea Bass and training them basic Microsoft Office skills, don't ask me why. Probably so they can get off the pole and get a respectable job, like with copiers and water coolers and all. Lot's of Chilean Sea Bass I know miss the money from dancing but feel better about themselves and their kids future :)

That's all for now, I want to leave you with something else, I almost choked to death on my dinner while I was writing this, for realzies. Also, I will be watching a movie I downloaded today, it's called, "Against the Dark". What's this movie about? I have two words for you: "Steven Seagal fighting against a bunch of zombie/vampires".

Oh man I still gotta make a picture for this thing, dang!... Okay, I'm tired cuz I had to wake up at 4am today and gotta tomorrow too, so you get RoboCop.

My New Tattoo...

I went last week for my consultation about my "cover-up" tattoo, and I am really happy with the way it is shaping up. It is gonna take two sessions before it is complete, but it is looking pretty sweet. Saturday took about 4 hours, and in 3 weeks I will be getting the color done and the old ugly tattoo will be hidden behind this new sweet one. the flowers were her idea and was aprehensinve at first by am happy with the way it turned out. Also I originally had a banner that said "thru the darkness" but she said it didn't work so whatev. Here is the preliminary sketch, as soon as I have a good pic of it I will pop it up here.


Here is a camera pic, you can obviously still see the old one it won't be done until after the next session in three weeks.

Why America Will Beat You Up!

Super Bowl weekend recently reminded me of how we (as Americans), love to gorge on ridiculous fat fuck concoctions while watching professional athletes with less than 5% body fat (not counting O and D line or Larry Fitzgerald's huge ghetto booty). American's have a rich history of eating unhealthy junk food like Pizza, Hot Dogs, Cheeseburgers, French Fries and the like. However we don't become true fat asses until we figure out ways to make these items bigger or help them to mutate into an awesome combination. I found some pretty great examples of this on the old WWW, so here are some of my favorites, enjoy:

-Krispy Creme Bacon Cheeseburgers


-French Fried Hot Dog


-Happy Meal Pizza


-Corndog Pizza


-The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt


-The Hamdog (hotdog wrapped in ground beef, fried, topped with french fries, chili and a fried egg)

Sorry it's coming...

Hey... Sorry, I will blog about a couple of things this week. Here's a sneak peak at some topics; My new tattoo I got on Sat., and the book I just started reading "Coraline" (it's a kids book, but still cool plus it matches my 5th grade reading level), which is awesome. See you soon fag tacos!