Deadly-ass shit!

So I was just poking around on the old "www" and stumbled upon this beautiful instrument of death, it is called the "The Wasp Knife". Basically it injects a ball of compressed gas into its victim that then expands to the size of a basketball, instantly freezing and exploding their internal organs... How... Fucking... Badass... Is that? LEGENDARILY BADASS! The blade, which was designed to help hunters and divers bring down large wild animals quickly, could possibly be bought on the internet by serial killing-minded crooks. You know as if it wasn't bad enough to just get plain old fucking stabbed, you know? Now we have to worry about fucking weirdies walking around in dark alleys with this shit! It never ceases to amaze me how creative people can get when it come to killing people, it truely is an artform unto itself. Check out the video of what it does to watermelon.

Definitions of words i make up-->

Boneyard -
This is a new saying I am throwing around. Right now after thinking about it I figured "boneyard" would basically mean "cool" or something. Like "shit dude those pants are boneyard". But then I realized a more realistic meaning for this term... which is a cemetary/graveyard.Which ends up being cool kinda in the end, not sure why but these places are sweet.

Candles n' Such...

(this is a special edition “spin-off” article from the previous post)

Yeah so, for those of you who don't already know there have been some major changes in Tomas's life, for one, he’s now Irish, and second, he owns and operates a rare / collectible candle store out in Nebraska somewhere. This has been his life long dream, other than getting engaged to that Asian (future) wife of his, oh the many ways I despise her so. Anyway, as I was saying, we are all really excited for him and wish him great success. Basically the store will specialize in candles, all things candles, candles smell good and Tomas loves them, so that.... you sons of bitching assholes is a recipe for a fantastic voyage on the ship called "makin' chedda!". You see when Tomas was small, sickly Lithuanian immigrant in New York City he was very poor and since he was ugly and his parents didn’t want him he was forced to fend for himself and sell candles on the street, oh and of course provide a client with the occasional rusty trombone. So before he knew it, he had hit the big-time, if you were burning candles in the early 1980’s there is a 90% chance that it was one of Tomas’s. Okay so fast forward a bit, Tomas went on to put him self through Harvard Law, and as we all know now working as a hot shot criminal defense lawyer. You would recognize him from such great trails as “the OJ one”, “the R. Kelly one”, “the Michael Vick one” and most recently he represented me after I wiped out an entire race of South American pigmies, previously believed to be extinct. Needless to say (but I will), he won the case, we got shit-faced and we pissed on the graves of all those dead pigmies! Now it is time for Tomas to resurrect his true passion in life, candles. Good Luck old sport, Good Luck. If you were in the car with me I would gently kiss your hand as if you were the fancy prostitute I am on my way to pick up right now. 5000

Funny Thing from 5 minutes ago...

The following was a text message conversation from a little bit ago, all of the following events are true:

Tomas: The # in Mich is 269-4#9-####
Me: Thanks Boner! When are you going up there?

Tomas: Tonight after work
Me: Bone Yard!

Tomas: Is that a game you play outside at family picnics?
Me: Yeah, with say an overweight bearded uncle or something

Tomas: Repressed Memories :(
Me: Every time I'm at a BBQ and I see corn on the cob, my butt clenches involuntarily

Tomas: Wow sorry dude, not a big fan of the XL cheddarwurst huh?
Me: Wait, who do you think this is, my name is Perry Dawson, this is Tomas O'Rielly right? From "Tomas O'Rielly's Candles and Such" in Omaha?

Tomas: Careful...

Quick Thought....

The cool thing about STDs, is that when you sit someone down and tell them you have one (or nine), they know for sure that you have had sex before... and that makes you a little cooler than if you hadn't.

The InSINerator

click to enlarge

Here is the first concept poster for a new film I am working on with a bunch of famous Hollywood people... seriously. This project has been green lighted and we are in pre-production right now, we expect the official release to be sometime in early 2010. The film is ostensibly an Assassin/Revenge/Vigilante, story. The driver of the "inSINerator" is actually a Catholic Priest who works for the Vatican and carries out the wishers of his commanding officer... you guessed it, his holiness, the Pope. The way he perfers to kill the targets is in the back of his limousine. It is custom vintage Mercedes, with a built-in incinerator in the back. He picks up the mark, drives them around as he is reading them their last rights then flips the switch and they are burned back to the dust from which they came.  The driver's name is Vadas Pap, which means "Hunter Priest" in Hungarian. Vadas believes he is God's personal soldier, and he has  dedicated his life to sending sinner's to be judged in the afterlife. The story shifts when the Pope requests the elimination of a Vatican enemy, Vadas contests and refuses the mark, because he feels the kill is not just. He is later framed for the murder, and then vows vengeance upon the increasingly corrupt Pope.  It's probably going to be the best movie anyone of all time has ever seen, that's what I am shooting for at least. We are having open casting calls for the characters of: The Pope, Vadas "Hunter Priest" Pap, Ingrid Stampa (No.1 Papal Assistant), Joaquin Navarro (Vadas's Protege) Rechelia Stampa (Sister of Ingrid, Spanish National Intelligence Center Agent). Also, if you have any money please send it to me because I have $0 as a budget right now... no script... no actors... and no film making experience. We do have a rough idea for a poster though. Thanks.  

My Baby Tiger

So I finally did it, I broke down and purchased a white Siberian Tiger, like the ones that Sigfreed and Roy have. It uh... it wasn't cheap, about $40,000, and you might be asking yourself, just where, good sir, did you manage to get you hands on that kind of money? A combination of things actually; 1. I have been doing quite a bit o' man whoring at retirement communities. 2. Embezzling money from the company I work for. The great thing about this purchase is that is it an investment, I will probably be able to make about $200,000 by selling it's pelt, claws/teeth,  bones, whiskers and organs. Don't get me wrong "monkey" (that's what I named him) is really cute but I just need to see a return on this investment and the harsh reality is that he is worth more dead that alive. So, sorry little guy but once you reach maturity, you getting strip and sold like a 1995 Honda Civic (the most stolen car in America). Basically, these parts of the Tiger are so valuable because the are used to make "homeopathic" or "asian" medicine. For example, crushed tiger whiskers ingested are thought to cure hemorrhoids, and Tiger bone wine and dried tiger penis are both used as aphrodisiacs. So yeah, that's what I'm working on right now.

Own Hollywood History

At the end of this month, the "Profiles in History Auction House" will be selling a ton of props from ridiculously famous movies. Granted none of this shit is going to come cheap but I mean if I had the cash I would definitely prefer to drop cash on Marty McFly's Hover Board than some greedy charity who is probably using your donation to fund some type of Nazi Rebirth. Here are just a few of the things that caught my eye:

Item #910 "Johnny's" axe for Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining", one of my all-time favorite movies. If I had the $5,000 - $7,000 to spare I would do it and not look back. To be honest I would rather bid on 1980 Shelly Duvall, not sure what it was about her, but she was hot, in my mind anyway. So if your reading this, hop in your time machine and come look me up in 1980... actually that probably won't work, i'll figure something out.

Item #??? Marty's Hover Board from "Back to the Future II". There was no accompanying text for the details of this thing, it did say that it is expected to fetch between $30K to $60K! And the real kick in the pants here is that, it doesn't even hover, they deactivated it based on research that showed it caused Parkinson's after prolonged usage.

Item #1023 Frank the Rabbit from "Donnie Darko". One of the freakiest looking freaks ever, so creepy, especially the scene where he is stabbing the mirror... F! this is going for $10K to $12K. If your the type of person that wants this and has the money to buy it, I am sure that you will be wearing it the next time you kill an escort.

Demon "Pop-In" No. 2

Another Demon came to me tonight, this one however is actually a really cool dude, his name is Botis, he was actually the one who warned me about Puto in the first place. Shortly after Puto showed up in the mirror, Botis showed up in my dreams and told me how big of an asshole Puto is. He specifically told me not to drink from the faucets in my house, because not only was Puto poisoning the water supply but also pissing in it. So ever since then I have had a certain affinity for Botis, he is still a demon though so the I'm not quite sure, maybe he is after my soul as well. My paranoid scizophrenia has been running rampant for about the last 24 hours, which might have something to do with the peyote I ingested on Sunday evening. I'm quite sure that these entities don't exist at all and they are simply a metaphor for some other aspect of my life, but they seem very real. Botis just popped in right now and is making a lightning on pumpernickel with munster sandwich in the kitchen, he is also wearing a tuxedo, but it is made out of stars so that is pretty weird too, Orion's belt is actually on his belt. Oh! he just popped out and he left out the olive oil and the balsamic, not cool. Basically Botis showed up because he saw the arrival / departure screen in hell and saw that Puto had shown his ugly mug this morning. He went to Ornius the "harassing demon" and requested a follow up, funny thing is that Puto never got the go ahead from Ornius to break the exorcism so Botis was just "checking in". I just got done explaining to Botis that it would be much appreciated if you guys could just take me off your list because you are making me insane. So, Botis just left and hopefully I won't have to deal with them anymore.

Puto Poisoned the Water...

I was getting ready for work this morning and a familiar face appeared in the upper left hand of the mirror. It was indeed a person (not really a human) by the name of Puto. I haven't seen him in about 1 year and I wasn't happy to see him now at all. Puto is a bald, blue-faced sort of demon that used to bother me from time to time, he has the eyes of a cat, and an upside down cross in the center of his forehead, he also ironically has a halo around his head and a floating back crown above that, and maybe the most intimidating factor is a mouthful of long sharp teeth so large he cannot properly close his mouth. He used to poison the water in my house because he wanted to kill me, but I never drank the tap water so I survived. When I saw him this morning I was more annoyed than frightened, but as it turns out he wasn't here to kill me this time. Apparently, he left some shit at my house during the period he was trying to poison me. The conversation went something like this:

Me: What do you want Puto?

Puto: Oh, well it's nice to see you too michael.

Me: Sorry Puto but you did try to kill me like a hundred times... how was Palm Springs?

Puto: Well, you know, not like it used to be, as they say: "Change is Life's only Constant".

Me: Right... So just what the fuck do you want?

Puto: Two things actually, my toothbrush and...

Me: Your toothbrush? Uh, Pretty sure I threw it out.

Puto: WHAT? That was like a $180 Sonic Care Elite e9500 Custom Care, Thanks, Thanks a ton!

Me: Yeah well again, you did try to kill me soooo....

Puto: What about the replacement heads, those are like $30 a pop?

Me: Gone.

Puto:  Son.... of.... a.... whore.

Me: You want me to call the priest, maybe have another exorcism up in this bitch?

Puto: No, no, no, sorry, I couldn't walk right for a week after this last one.

Me: Okay no toothbrush, no replacement heads is there something else before you get the fuck out of here?

Puto: Yeah, I'm like 99% sure I left my iPod here.

Me: Dude.... Get the fuck out of here.

Puto: Right.

Me: Asshole.

Come for the Burger, Stay for the Spectre

For those of you who don't know, there is a restaurant on 55th street in Clarendon Hills called the Country House. They were voted Chicago's Best Burger by the Chicago Tribune in 2005 and even cooler than that, the place is haunted by a women's ghost from the 50's. I have been there before like maybe once, I am going to try and go there this week to see if I could meet and possibly make love to the ghost that hang's out there. The story goes back to 1974, David Regenery was meeting with a contractor after extensive renovations of the building. The two men were talking at the dimly lit bar when six independently operated shutters opened simultaneously sending bright rays of sunlight across the room. The dudes were freaked and adjourned their meeting. Richard Crowe (a ghost-hunter) and two self-professed mediums came in for a consultation the following week, the mediums (psychics) said the felt the presence of a young women looking for something she lost. They described her as blonde (okay), late-twenties (go on), good looking (nice! a hot, blonde, 20 something ghost!). David went on to contact the previous owner. He recalled a young women who showed up one day visibly distraught and asked if she could leave her child there for a short while. When the bartender refused she took her child and sped off down 55th street. About a half mile away she struck a tree in an apparent suicide, the child survived. Since the remodeling there been numerous accounts of unexplained events. They include pounding walls, crying babies that don't exist, pots and pans that move at their own will, strong scents of fresh flowers, and the sound of footsteps in empty rooms. There have only been a handful of actual sightings of the ghost but each description has matched exactly that of the young woman described by the previous owner and the psychics. She has been seen beckoning customers from an upstairs window, playing the jukebox in the middle of the night, blocking the door of the women's restroom, or just walking through the dining room. So, that's about the gist of it, there have been tons of newspaper articles and TV specials about the Country House so it seems pretty legit, I mean Unsolved Mysteries, that's legit, Robert Stack walking out of the fog in his trench coat, you know what I mean right? I say we go to this place and get drunk sometime it would be awesome, It's open until 2 am on Sat. so that's cool. As I said before, I'm gonna try and do some snooping around this week there see if I can't solve this mystery scooby-doo style. 

Hell Demon Found in Montauk

There has been a lot of talk of this beast that was found washed up on the beach in Montauk, New York last month. The Montauk Monster can be described as a large rodent-like beast,  much like the capybara but it has a dinosaur beak, large claws, almond shaped E.T. eyes and gnarly fangs dude! Some people think that it could be a dead bloated dog or raccoon, some think it is a shell-less turtle, and others believe it is an actual demon or a type of monster that has recently been taking over the area. The photo was submitted by some chica named Anna Holmes, who has a suspicious relationship with a company called Evolutionary Media Group. So there is some speculation that this can all be chalked up to a well strategized viral-marketing campaign, possibly for an upcoming show called Cryptids Are Real on Cartoon Network. There have been multiple witnesses in this case claiming they saw this freaky little fucker. It's a little unclear as to where the carcass actually is right now, some say animal control picked it up, others claim some frat dudes took it, another says an old man hauled it away saying "I'm gonna mount it on my wall". There is also the statement that the people who took the photo are having the carcass privately examined at a near by university. Who knows what it is, I am so drunk right now I don't even know where I am, I think I am at work though. I do know that if I ever see something like this living, I am definitely going to try and capture it and train it for dog fights and just clean house, make some chedda! If this creatures do start popping up imagine how many rappers and "gangster" douches will be walking these things around with big old chains and spiked collars to compensate for their personal insecurities and weaknesses.